Honest Lies – Page 74 – "Okay, so I'm the dragon. Big deal. You still get to be the hero."

Welcome! Honest Lies is the personal site of a 26 year old graduate electrical engineer living in the UK. Covering every day life, books and various other randomness. Read more about me and the site here.

LIVERPOOL

Today I went to Liverpool! Had to visit the university I have applied to, and I wanted to see the city too. I didn’t want to be there on my first day of university at like 8:00am in the morning with no clue of where I was going and the stress of lectures to get to.

So.

The train ride to Liverpool was probably my worst train experience ever. And I’ve had some pretty shitty experiences. But this one. This train was a train FULL of chavs. Not just a small group of drunk women getting tipsy on champagne and doing a pub quiz as loudly as they can, not two guys getting drunk and constantly sneaking to the bathrooms to go smoke. Nope. The coach I was on was basically overrun with this huge group of Chavs being as obnoxious as they possibly could. The girls with their bleached blond hair and the boys with their giant crystal earrings, not just putting their feet on the seats but climbing on them, drinking (not just beer, oh no, we’re talking fucking vodka shots at 11:00am), talking loudly, shouting across to each other, singing (fucking singing). It was awful. I have never felt more uncomfortable and vulnerable on a train. I hoped they would get off at one of the earlier stops but no, they were there right until Liverpool Lime street. fml. This is over an hour I had to put up with this. I couldn’t help but think of Japanese trains and how quiet they are. One guy on the Shinkansen even left his seat (heading towards the bit in-between carriages) to go answer his phone. Also I realised just how lovely and spacious the bullet train is. British trains are far more cramped. It sucks.

I was tired and annoyed. I did not arrive at Liverpool in a good mood. What followed then was two hours of wandering around getting hopelessly lost in the quest to find the university. I without really intending to found the museums, The University of Liverpool, St Luke’s Church, Chinatown, and Liverpool Cathedral as well as got a good look at surrounding areas. I guess looking back it was nice to have a look around, but at the time it was exhausting and my feet hurt and I was tired, so tired and annoyed and I felt so helpless because I didn’t have a map and there weren’t any signs. I thought about Japan and how lost I got there, and how much I really wanted to be at a Japanese Café enjoying air con and polite service, eating the best Carbonara I’ve ever had and drinking a Cream soda float…

I eventually went to a Tesco Express to buy juice and asked for directions. It was a little embarrassing as the guy at the counter didn’t know so he called out to another person, who also didn’t know, and then another person who thankfully did know. Thankfully the shop was quiet too because the whole process was embarrassing. The guy who knew went outside with me and pointed out where I had to go and I honestly could have hugged him. I was so grateful just to know where I was going. Got to the university and realised I didn’t know where to go within the university. Phoned my dad and complained to him before gatherine courage and asking a security guy. Security guy was nice in helping me meet who I needed to meet and thus I did then get shown around the uni. It was pretty good as it was an individual tour, just me. Meant I had the courage to ask all I wanted to and… made me feel special :P

After that my mood picked up a lot. I sort of knew where I was going a bit better and despite being quite tired out I decided to go the Albert docks. Because I was in Liverpool so of course I was going to the docks! There are actually signs to follow to get to the docks so I had no problem getting there. I wanted a pub lunch but the pub I found was too full, so I ended up at this over priced cafe. The service wasn’t the best and the food was average. Lame. I’d expected more for what I paid. (And I still wanted a cream soda float. Why don’t they sell cream soda in this country? All that is available is this horrible clear stuff. Cream soda is supposed to be BRIGHT GREEN. ;___;) I did get to eat looking out across the water just as I hoped. I could also people watch to pass time. :D After eating looked around the dock. Found this sweet shop and it’s a testament to how much I’ve grown that I could resist buying the whole store, and instead bought just two cute little chocolate mice for myself and a box of tacky tourist fudge for the parents (If you’ve ever been a tourist in Britain I’m sure you know what I’m talking about when I talk about tourist fudge. I hope). I headed straight back to the station, though I did get diverted into one shop where I managed to spend absolutely nothing on some really gorgeous clothes, some of which I’ve been looking for (such as a cotton cardigan and a plain white t-shirt!). There are some really nice shops in Liverpool. If I had the money it would have been great to look around and see what else I could get.

Got back to the station and went home, basically. The train back was thankfully chav free, and thus quiet, and also less crowded so I didn’t have to have my bag on my lap or be confined to my place only. I could have my window seat and aisle seat all to myself, just how I like.

I feel really tired now. These past few days have been hectic and stressful. You know, they still haven’t process my application on UCAS? And I’m going to have to wait until Monday as they are closed tomorrow too. It’ frustrating. I think I’m guaranteed a place but I need the confirmation! And I need to sort out student finance which I can only do once my place is secured. I start on the 13th September which isn’t far now. Although as I was walking away from the university today, I realised I am kind of excited. Scared and nervous, but a part of me is a little excited. I’m actually going to be a university student. It’s weird but kind of cool at the same time.

Listening To: Tokami - 鈍色の雨、差し出された左手
mood: tired

and so.

As you may or may not know, August 19th was A level results day in the UK and also the day we (students in general) found out whether we got into university. 170 000 students were predicted not to get in, and yeah I was nervous about it all as I knew my grades weren’t the best already and I’d found the exams difficult. I could easily, too easily, see myself as one of the unlucky 170 000.

I dragged myself out of bed yesterday at about 9:00am and got ready like usual. It was only about 10:00am that I decided fuck it, just look already and turned on my computer and opened UCAS. My conditional choice had rejected me, but my first choice had not. There was hope, but not much. I kept refreshing but my first choice were clearly intent on leaving it as late as possible so I decided to go ahead and get myself to school to pick up my results. On the way there bumped into some of my friends, who had all gotten in of course. I acted like I hadn’t gotten replies from anywhere yet and congratulated them, brushing over my situation (I’m good at that, I’ve been doing it for a while now when they get SUPER AMAZING grades and I only get like U’s!) I got more nervous. Picked up my results and clung to them until I was well away from the school. The walk to and from school is pretty deserted so I opened them up as I was walking. My results weren’t amazing but fuck, I IMPROVED SO MUCH. My hard work had sort of paid off ;___; The subject I worked hardest at was maths and sure I mainly got D’s, but I got a B in my one AS Level exams! I was so happy with my results. Even as it sank in that I most likely wasn’t going to get into university I was actually happy, as weird as that sounds (as weird as it felt at the time). I phoned my sister and chatted to her, bought some ice cream from the shops and headed home. Checked UCAS and still no word from my first choice. I waited it out, and as every hour dragged by I knew it wasn’t happening but I wanted to wait until they replied before thinking about what came next. They finally rejected me at around 3:00pm (and hey, I should be grateful as apparently some uni’s won’t be telling prospective students until today or tomorrow whether they got in making their chances of going through clearing slim)

I think that maybe there was a part of me that was expecting such an outcome, so it didn’t hurt like it should of (perhaps). I didn’t shed a tear. (To be honest maybe I was still high from the fact I got a B in one of my maths exams XD )

I let it sink in that I would have to go back to school. I thought about what I would retake, and realised I’d have to do either RE or Chemistry which I hate. I still felt happy about my marks, but bummed at the thought of going back to school. So I decided to poke around clearing and see what was available. After some poking around I found an engineering foundation course. I decided to see if there was a university closer to me that did such a course. There was.

And thus A PLAN WAS BORN. I would not go back to school but I would not go onto studying for a degree. I want to study electrical and electronic engineering, and I decided I would spend this year doing an engineering foundation course. After that I can carry on at the uni I did the course at, or possibly transfer to another university! A university I wanted to go to this year! And I didn’t have to go back to school!

It seemed like a great plan and so I found a new determination. I was going to get into university no matter what. I was fucking determined. And so I googled what the fuck I was actually supposed to do when in clearing and what I read didn’t make much sense, but I did come to realise that I was very much on my own. I had to phone up universities myself and ask them to let me in. D: Started to feel stressed, and worried, and nervous. I looked through clearing at every uni and college reasonably near by to see if they did a foundation course. My first option (option A) was the first I called. By this point I was stressed and confused and scared. I was actually kind of shaking as I held the phone to my ear, having no idea what the hell was going to happen once someone answered. It wasn’t that scary, but my heart was pounding in my chest and I was still feeling shaky. They took my details and said they’d get back to me later. I continued to research and found option B. By this point my dad was home and I could discuss things with him before phoning up B. I was shocked that my dad was not angry or disappointed. He was supportive and a little proud and interested, and helpful and really nice. The only point of the day when I felt like crying was when my dad put his hand on my shoulder and told me something along the lines of “shame it’s been a tough on you with your depression and now all this”. I felt so loved but I was so shocked at how nice he was being, how nice he had been to me since he had gotten home, that I honestly wanted to cry. I was really expecting him to be angry and disappointed you know?

Anyway. Phoned up B and they were much better, they took my details and then offered me a place straight up! I HAD AN OFFER. I discussed it some more with my dad, thought about it, waited for A to phone me, phoned A and didn’t get through, phoned A again got through and was told they’d do their best to speed it up and they’d phone later. And eventually decided B was the right course for me and so added it as a choice. Oh yeah there was option C but every time I tried phoning I couldn’t get through and I eventually gave up, especially with an offer in my hand.

And so I got up early this morning to check UCAS and see if they’d replied and given me my offer formally instead of verbally. Nope. I was just…tired. I had barely slept the night before because I was so worked up and absolutely petrified about what was going to happen, and still nothing was certain. I was exhausted from the stress of it all. Phoned them at 9:00am exactly (which is when the phone lines open!) and asked them WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON (but obviously more polite) and was told they are still processing my application and would call me when it’s gone through. OK, that’s fine. A also phoned my back (as I was on the toilet ;__;) and offered me a place there, so I had a back up option too. I was still a little stressed out but I sat back and relaxed, watched some Junjou Romantica, listened to music etc. Around 2:00pm I decided to bake a cake too, which came out very nice, but the whole process of making it didn’t relax me as much as I hoped. I was still desperately waiting for B to call and of course my dad and my sister kept phoning to ask about what was happening, making me all excited each time thinking IT’S THE UNIVERSITY when it’s really…my dad or my sister. My sister has been cute during this whole process though. Very supportive of me ♥

It’s still not gone through even now. All I got is “Your application has been sent for consideration”. RAWR. I know there are 169999 others like me, but obviously I’m impatient. I think I’m guaranteed a place, but it would be nice to see it on UCAS itself you know? And really THIS IS SO STRESSFUL. I think things have worked out for the best in their own special way, things do happen for a reason…even the things we don’t generally like. And yeah so what all my friends are going off to university and doing degrees. Fuck them. I’ll grow at my own pace. I’ll continue to work hard at improving my motivation and try my best at this course. I’ll get where I want to, even if I have to take longer than everyone else.

I am glad I chose this. I know and I think I’ve always known I’m a bit behind my friends and I need an extra year doing something, but I did not want to go back to school at all. I think just having the new environment will be better than school you know? Rather than being stuck at school, where I’d have to do subjects I’ve long gotten sick of, and put up with teachers I hate and I can imagine I would be even more lonely and bored with all my friends at uni, it seems better that I go to university to get more education and a better, more specialised education before going on to my degree. My grades are improving, slowly but steadily, and I think this will be good to motivate me to improve them even more.

Oh but I’m staying at home and commuting to Liverpool from home. I will have to get up really early, and possibly get a train at 6:30am every day. Good training for the future- I guess? D:

Tomorrow I’m going to Liverpool tomorrow so I’ll get to experience ~the commute~ as well as see the uni. How rushed is this all? haha.

But everything’s OK, I think. It’s all working out, in its own special way.

(I will continue to remind myself that everything happens for a reason.)

(And I’m sorry if this post makes no sense to those unfamiliar with the British Education system…)

Listening To: JUNJOU ROMANTICA OST - ONE SIDED
mood: stressed

“I just don’t want to die anymore”

I am not really doing much with my time at the moment. Ever since I’ve come back from Japan I’ve been kind of tired. I sleep, I eat a little too much of all the wrong things, and I have realised I no longer care about Kpop much anymore, or fic or any of the things I used to do. I have started on old hobbies. Listening to the songs I used to like for one. Lots of Jrock. For two I have started watching anime again. I thought I’d long gotten tired of that scene, but no I just needed a good break from it. I recently finished Nabari no Ou after about three days marathoning it. I love that series. It was something I started forever ago and for some reason I didn’t finish. I re-watched all the earlier episodes and then finished it off. Such a gorgeous anime. Yeah sure there are ninjas and awesome fight scenes, and it is so beautiful to watch, but what makes it amazing I think are the characters. A rather complex group of people with their own set of flaws. I find it difficult to watch or read something when I dislike the characters, or when the characters are too perfect. I like reading about flawed people, making wrong decisions and betraying each other sometimes. It makes it more real and easy to relate to despite any circumstance.

At the moment I am trying to get through Mirage of Blaze TV series. It’s a little difficult. The anime is nothing compared to the novels. The novels are amazing and are what made me fall in love with this series. If all I knew about Mirage of Blaze was the anime…well I wouldn’t love the series nearly as much as I do. To get back to characterization, the characters in the anime aren’t nearly as well characterized as they are in the novels. Which is to be expected because it wouldn’t work as a TV series if certain things weren’t cut out but still. Not enjoying it that much.

I have plans to watch 07 GHOST, another anime I started and loved but never finished, Junjou Romantica, Yami no Matsuei and then whatever else I fancy. Yes so I like series with pretty boys and subtle BL undertones. Some thing don’t change XD

I have a feeling that if this goes on long enough I’ll be reading manga again soon enough…

I guess by drowning myself in Japanese music and anime and such I am clinging onto Japan. I miss seeing Japanese and hearing Japanese anywhere. Other things I miss are going for long walks through the city with no destination in mind, not really, and I miss coming back to an empty hotel room and perfect silence, curling up in a big fluffy double bed and watching EHB with some juice and snacks. I miss being alone. I miss how I felt there. I swear for the first time in years I felt alive. I feel a little lost at the moment, a little sad, back to feeling trapped and lonely.

Listening To:: Kozi- Nocturne
mood: Tired

So I’m back in the UK. Came back about two days ago and have been spending my time catching up on Life is Beautiful and Friends and not doing much else. I’m really tired. It’s strange being back in the UK, in a way. Everything is in English again! There aren’t any vending machines everywhere I look or convience stores. All the people are white and just not as beautifully made up as the Japanese (Japanese woman dress amazingly well (and modest. it’s so great being in a place were I don’t have to see boobs and/or bras hanging out and people wearing leggings without long enough tops) and they wear high heels for anything! And police men and people who work at the station wear such formal uniforms. appearance really seems to be everything there.) And it’s strange how small the UK feels, when Japan is even more cramped than this place. I don’t get that. Anyway. Japan is a really beautiful, interesting place. I had a lot of fun. Yeah it was uncomfortably hot and it was difficult with the language barrier. If I was to go again I’d have to learn how to speak Japanese. But I got by. And I got used to it. I liked it there, loved it even. It was everything I expected plus a load of surprises. It’s definitely different actually being there compared to just reading about it.

I saw tourist attractions and ate at nice places and shopped and bought some gorgeous clothes. It was scary being by myself, but at the same time I felt a strange sense of freedom. I no longer had anyones expectations to live up to, including the expectations of myself. I could just let go and be. Sometimes I just went out for long walks through the city, enjoying the feeling of being lost in the crowd and all those lights. It was an amazing 10 days. I didn’t think about anything and I didn’t go on the internet at all, it was truly a break from everything. I feel kind of bummed out now after coming back. I don’t miss Japan, for it’s far different living in a place for a long time compared to visiting there, though I do miss certain things about it. And I just, all those things I could avoid thinking about there are all back on my mind. It’s like it was a dream and now I’m back to reality and it’s just as ugly as it has been for too long. I don’t want to be here.

Listening To:: 12012- Ray
mood: sad

The day I panicked

Had my last exam on Tuesday. Physics. It wasn’t amazing. The paper was really difficult :x There was this one stupid question too which asked us to explain a line from a Katie Melua song. WTF physics, stop trying to be cool. Anyway, it was just really hard and sneaky. I felt like there was something I wasn’t quite getting and I lost a load of marks simply not being able to answer questions because I had no idea what they were asking. And by the end I was just writing whatever came to mind, rambling like a crazy idiot. Meh. I lost any will to do well after how horrible maths went. :| It was also kind of awkward afterwards because as I was heading towards the toilets my physics teacher was there outside the science faculty office, which is located near the toilets. So I lowered my eyes and snuck past, as she was thankfully occupied. But as I came out the toilets she was there talking to a couple of other boys in my year and I got cornered. I said hi and told her it didn’t go well. She turned to the other boys and they were talking about the exam and I did not want to hear what they put (as it was likely different from what I did and they were cleverer) so I just snuck away without saying anything. Probably a little rude but I didn’t care. I was hungry and the exam sucked and I just wanted to go home and eat cake. Which I did.

Today I had my Grade 6 violin exam. 4:26pm. My dad took me at about 3:15pm because the place was really far. I was not nervous until about two hours before when suddenly I just became absolutely petrified. My dad was really sweet and bought me some chocolate beforehand because I was nervous. ^_^ It was really hot today and being stuck in the car was not fun. It did remind me of last year when my dad took me to all the university open days. Even though going on university open days proved useless as I realised too late I couldn’t get into those universities, those long drives with my father and spending time with him was kind of nice, if not for being stuck in traffic in a hot car for hours on end. Similar situation today as it was again those kind of high temperatures. We had the windows down the whole way. We ended up arriving there early. I made my dad test me on my scales and then I rambled on about how nervous I was and past exams because I was super hyped up on anxiety. My dad was no use in calming me down.

My exam went terrible. I was too nervous. I felt slightly shaky and hot (sweaty), and my fingers weren’t doing what I wanted them to. I messed up on my pieces, really stupid little things I shouldn’t have done and then I got even more nervous and worked up from those mistakes. After playing my pieces the examiner gave me 5 minutes before moving on to scales, and it didn’t do anything to calm me. I got really shaky and I couldn’t think properly which meant everything else went wrong throughout the rest of the exam. I just couldn’t get myself to play properly because I felt so nervous and I kept dwelling on my mistakes. Basically I panicked. By the end of it I felt like crying. I was worried about forgetting my scales or not being able to tell what cadence it is- I did not prepare for the reality that nerves would be what fucked it all up.

Man, I feel so bad. This exam was so costly for my parents. And we had to travel so far to get there. And then I just messed it up. And I shouldn’t have because I practiced and I knew it. I should have done better. But I got nervous and I panicked. fml.

Afterwards I complained to my dad and made him buy me a mcflurry. We drive all the way home again and I had about five minutes to myself before I was out the house again. I ended up being stuck in the car again (and it was HOT gdi) going all the way to Manchester to take my sister to the station, and go grocery shopping afterwards. I only got home after 9:00pm and the majority of the day was spent stuck in the car, hot and tired and by the end feeling vaguely sick. 100 miles. I am so exhausted right now. Though I feel more sorry for my dad, who had to drive here there and everywhere.

Anyway. Lets end the post with optimism. I am actually pretty happy right now, the huge amount of chocolate I’ve eaten is probably to blame but life is pretty good right now. I no longer have to revise, and spend 40-60 minutes a day playing my violin. I turn 18 in 15 days which means I will finally be a legal adult (and catch up with my friends!). For my birthday I am going to Leeds and I shall go clubbing with my sister (My best friend was supposed to come too but she can’t ;__; ) who shall take me to all the good places. I will get at least tipsy for my birthday. I may end up totally wasted- and finally discovers what sort of drunk I am :D Still, I shall have alcohol. and it will be legal. And then I’M GOING TO JAPAN for 10 days. So yes. Although there is still that underlying worry and stress because don’t know how exams went, things are looking good right now.

Listening To: KARA- Lupin
mood: exhausted

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