travel – Page 3 – Honest Lies

Budapest Day 1 and 2 (Part 2)

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Pictures, from top to bottom, right to left: St. Stephen’s Basilica at Night, Inside St. Stephen’s Basilica, Night views of the Danube, Hungarian Parliament Building at Night

After a long rest our little group split up to complete the day. My sister’s friend had come off working night shifts, so she was very tired and wanted to stay in to rest. My sister and I still wanted to explore, and to give her some space. So we headed out alone to go to St. Stephen’s Basilica again in the late afternoon. We had heard that there was going to be organ practice at 5pm, and were both keen to hear it as we would not be in Budapest for the next official organ concert there. Unfortunately there turned out to be no organ practice. It was still an incredibly beautiful and atmospheric place. Afterwards we went back to the apartment for supper. My sister and I sat down to plan afterwards but ended up bickering, which was not too much fun, although I mostly feel sorry for my sister’s friend having to put up with us. She also has a little sister though, so I’m sure she understands how it goes.

That evening my sister and I ventured out to take a walk along the Danube river. (My sisters friend was still too exhausted to come with.) It was a little late, at around 8pm, but it seemed safe enough. We walked across the chain bridge and stepped on to the Buda side for first time and got unreasonably excited about that. We walked back along the bridge then followed the river until we reached the parliament building again. There was not a single fence between river and land, and there were plenty of places where you could walk down steps right down into the water. This, coming from health and safety obsessed UK, was a little surprising. It was extremely cold near the river but very pretty – all the main sites were lit up. We both took millions of pictures. I’m not sure how well my pictures came out, as it’s my first time having a camera able to handle night photography. I played around a lot with the settings to at least try to capture it. It was nothing like I’d ever seen before, having only visited Europe once before, and too long ago to have clear memories. I became quite enamoured with the grand, fairytale architecture all lit up just so. I could begin to understand the romance of Europe for travellers.

Budapest Day 1 and 2 (Part 1)

St. Stephen's Basilica Liberty Square Hungarian Parliament Building Tourist center at Hungarian Parliament Building Views of the Danube Shoes of the Danube Inside the Hungarian Parliament Building

Pictures, from top to bottom, right to left: St. Stephen’s Basilica, Liberty Square, Hungarian Parliament Building, Views of the Danube, Shoes of the Danube, Inside the Hungarian Parliament Building, Food

My sister, my sister’s friend and myself got into Budapest on Sunday afternoon, however we were all tired enough that our first day in Budapest was spent mostly in the apartment. My sister and I wanted to go see a particular opera show, but we had gotten into the city too late and thus missed it. We ended up just having a little walk around the local area around our hotel that evening, and ended up stumbling upon St Stephens Basilica. Actually, the Basilica could be seen from our hotel room it was that close to us, but we didn’t realise at first. Nor did we appreciate how huge it was. We were quite taken aback by our first sighting.

We started our day early on Monday, planning to meander our way to the Hungarian Parliament building, going past St Stephens basilica again to see it in the daytime and then through Liberty Square. St Stephens Basilica was just as impressive in the day time. Liberty Square was a simple park, but the buildings around it were amazing. We were especially taken with the gothic look of the grey building that clearly had not been cleaned in many years. Honestly, there are so many fascinating buildings in Budapest though. Parliament itself was incredible. Much like the Basilica, it was hard to believe what you were seeing. We went to the tourist centre to book our tour, then with time to spare until it we went for a little walk along Danube to see the shoes of Danube. It was very cold next to the river, but sunny. The views were amazing – on one side, the Parliament building, and on the other side we could see the Buda Palace, Matthias Church and the Fishermen’s Bastion. Our progress towards the shoes was slow as we took picture after picture.

We reached the shoes, took a few more pictures then walked back to the area next to Parliament and found a cute pub to try Hungarian food for the first time. I tried paprika chicken with Hungarian dumplings. It was quite heavy, definitely broke my no-dairy diet, but was very tasty. Unfortunately it took ages to get our food, so we had to rush back to Parliament to make the tour. We just made it. The tour was interesting but a bit rushed and tense, as we were part of a large group and there was lots of security keeping you moving and consequently, it was impossible to really define your own space and hard to take anything in. At the end of the tour there was also a small exhibition on the background of the museum which was very interesting and actually, the part I enjoyed most as it was nice to take a breather from the crowds and the exhibit itself was very informative. It was fascinating to see how long it took to construct the Parliament Building and how sophisticated it was for its time. The central heating/air conditioning system was particularly notable for the time. For the air conditioning, air was cooled using water and then vents in the building would let the cold air inside to the cool the building. Similarly they had radiators which were warmed using steam heated from a furnace, which was placed away from the building to protect the buildings architecture. Sadly, the designer did not live to see its completion. We then wanted to see museum of Hungarian legislation which was part of the tourist centre, but had to queue ages to enter. We were thus quite tired by the time we finally managed to get in and the audio guide was confusing so I didn’t really take much in. It was reasonably interesting- as I was not familiar with this part of the world or its history- but the Hungarian National Museum we would see later would prove much more cohesive.

Afterwards we headed back to our apartment, to rest for a bit and eat some rather delicious cake we picked up at a small bakery. I wish I knew what cake it was, as it was delicious (Though again, not eating dairy really wasn’t working out for me and only on day 2…)

RUNAWAY

This entry is so hard to write. I got back to the UK on Friday and I thought I’d write something on Saturday, but I underestimated just how exhausted and jet lagged I was. I feel so tired that my brain feels like its turned to mush. Even this far on from landing in the UK I’m still waking up at 7am every morning and I’m still so very tired.

And it’s difficult to know where to begin- how to put into words everything that has happened since I left Malaysia. I have a handful of half written entries written in Japan but most days are blank, and my memories are too bright and vivid, blurring out the little details.

Japan was amazing though. There were times where I was tired or moody or embarrassed. I tried to climb a mountain in the snow and failed. My dad changed plans last minute without discussing it with me and I got angry. I realized how useless just knowing hiragana was, and cursed myself for struggling with katakana still as knowing that alone would have been far more useful, and I felt frustrated because of this and embarrassed too, as my Father clearly expected more from me. I realized it is best to visit Japan with some grasp of Japanese or none at all- with just this small amount of knowledge, having just these bits and pieces is frustrating, as you can begin to try and comprehend, but lack the knowledge to really understand or communicate. On the other hand, there were so many more moments I felt so happy I was almost overwhelmed with it. After how difficult things have this year, it was a relief to feel free of that heavy weight. I succeeded in climbing another mountain, I was driven through lush forests along twisty mountain roads and through sleepy fishing villages in remote areas. I finally got to see Northern Tohoku and Hokkaido and I felt so blessed and so happy to have been able to have done so. It was all so breathtakingly beautiful and showed a hidden side of Japan, so far removed from the frantic pace and overwhelming crowds of Tokyo.

It was over so, so soon. The journey up to Sapporo was long and lingering- we travelled to Aomori by Shinkansen then stayed there for a few days, before working up to Hakodate, taking a brief stop there, then finally landing in Sapporo. Then we took the flight back to Tokyo and I realized then how little time I had left, and the last two days in Japan were clouded by that anxiety, that soon I would be back in the UK.

On Thursday 13th June at 4pm Japan time my Father and I boarded the limousine bus at our hotel and began the journey back. The bus journey was long and boring, with a little kid sat right behind us who was excited and chatty and loud about it. He reminded me of my sister and I when we travelled when we were younger- and I resisted the urge to apologize to my father. He was sleeping, anyway. I have a feeling I exhausted my father with this holiday, maybe was a little hard on him, although he’d never admit to it so I do not think I can be blamed for it.

Once at the airport we went to pick up the extra baggage we had left there then found ourselves a quiet corner by our airline check in counter to sort out our stuff and repack to get our weights in order. In the end my father had my 11kg of stuff that had been left at the airport, plus 17kg of checked in baggage and 7kg hand luggage. I had 29kg of checked in luggage and 7kg of hand luggage. I was amazed that we’d managed to meet the luggage limitations so perfectly and easily- having expected to be tearing through my luggage in frustration for much longer trying to make it all work, having been afraid we would not be able to make it work. We went and joined the queue and got our luggage checked in no problem and one of my major worries was totally erased. My dad and I hunted out a McDonald’s to eat supper then got through customs before rushing to the day rooms on the air side so we could make our 8pm bookings. We’d tried to get a late checkout but the hotel had wanted about £70 for that, so I’d looked into showering facilities at Narita and was surprised to find they had small hotel rooms to rent by the hour which we could use. I booked us two singles just for an hour so we could freely access our stuff and take a shower. I tell you, that hour made all the difference. The rooms were small but clean and simply being able to spread out all my stuff and take a long, hot shower left me feeling refreshed and ready as I would ever be for the flights. The first flight was 10 hours to Dubai. It was dull. I eventually slipped into sleep about four hours in, but it was not the good quality stuff. Then there was a 4 hour layover at Dubai. It was also dull. My dad bought my a load of fruit for breakfast and we walked around in circles round the terminal for a bit, then sat at the gate and willed time to pass. Actually, my dad napped as I willed time to pass. Then there was 7 hours flying to Manchester. That was even worse than dull- time just dragged on and on and on and I felt so ill by that point, and tired but unable to sleep, and itchy from too long in the dry, unforgiving plane air conditioning. I flew on an airbus for the first time but it was nothing different- the seat was a little wider, and the toilets had fancy fake wooden seats is all. I think the air bus is better for the staff- they have more space to rest and also to work without having people queuing for the toilets or wanting to stand up for a while getting in their way. Finally, we arrived at Manchester. Lunchtime, Friday 14th June. We had a long wait to collect our baggage then dragged it all to the train station…onto the train…and then home…

The rest of the day was spent unpacking, giving out gifts, chatting with family before going to bed at 7pm, sleeping straight through to 6am the next morning.

Since then… On Saturday I went grocery shopping with my Father. We’d both woken early and headed out at around 8am or 9am to do so, some crazily early time like that. I came back and freaked my mother out with the relish I ate a ham, pepperoni and salami sandwich. On Sunday we went for a walk through the gardens of a local stately house near where we live. On Tuesday I spent some time with my father dismantling my new computer in order to clean it, and I’m pleased to say that although I’m still clueless about computers, I now at least have some idea of where everything goes in one. Which is a start. Today I spent some time with my mother rooting through her makeup drawers. This is a task I’ve always enjoyed since I was little- my mothers vanity drawers are seemingly endless, packed with all manners of interesting, pretty, expensive looking things. Today I rooted out some eyeliners from kanebo, elizabeth arden and ysl. My timing was good as my mother was feeling generous and let me have them all.

I think that coming back was fairly underwhelming. Nothing has changed. I looked out the train and the car and its all the same. I come back to the house and there’s been some changes around the house and at first I feel uncomfortable, like a stranger in my own home- I couldn’t find a plate in the kitchen, there were no toiletries for me in the bathroom, even my room was strange and unfamiliar, something I’d not seen for so long, and I wondered if it was always like this. Now a few days later and I’m settled and this summer is like any other- days drag on and I’m bored. My mother frustrates me at times but I do my best not to snap. My cat is whiny but cute enough to get away with it. During the day, today, my Father and my Sister are not here and its terribly quiet, not a sound, not even from outside. The UK is grey and I’m sitting here in a hoodie and a scarf, indoors, with the heat on. But even I have not changed all that much. I’m a little tanned, I’m a lot cold, I have stories about foreign places, but I’m still the same person. Everything slides back into place so easily, as if nothing happened at all. As if I’ve never been away.

I’m not sure whether to feel relieved about this or disappointed. I thought coming back to the UK would be… something. Something large and difficult that I had to conquer. I thought it would be more difficult than this. Maybe in some strange way I wished it would be. I don’t really know how to explain why I have this feeling. Its just anticlimactic, I guess. That you can go away for so long and when you turn back nothing has changed.

The Big Holiday

So, its March already. Lets blame the fact that February was ridiculously short on the fact that the book post is not up and not on the fact that I am terrifically lazy, OK?

Anyway.

The day before yesterday my hearing came back! I would just like to point out that: I was right.

Yesterday, my sister turned 24. Speaking on the phone to my mother, she remarked that next year my sister would be the age my mother was when she (my sister) was born. :o Its kind of strange to think I have a sister in her mid twenties. Its kind of strange to think that actually, I’ll be 21 soon. Its cliche, but I really do not feel that…not old, not even grown up, I guess lets just keep it simple and say that age.

This weekend in its entirety, when I have not been asleep, I have been busy ignoring my actual work and instead planning a trip to Japan in June. Technically, I’ve been thinking about this trip since I accepted my offer of studying abroad. I knew I would be going to Japan and that I would not accept just a short weekend away. No, it would be my Big Holiday after uni has ended and before I returned to the UK. of course, dreaming is different from actual planning. That has been very stressful. But plane tickets and hotels have been booked now so its definitely happening. I leave Malaysia on the 31st of May, spend 13 days in Japan, and arrive back in the UK on the 14th of June. I can say that i am very looking forward to Japan and not looking forward to going back to the UK in the slightest. But lets focus on the positive- JAPAN!! I cannot believe I am actually being able to spend such a long time there. Honestly at one point I was wondering if I could afford to go at all, but I focused and thought it through and budgeted and ended up being able to realize my dreams of a Big Long Holiday. 13 days! I shall be spending 2 nights in Tokyo, where I will visit Kamakura and Yokohama too, followed by 5 nights (5!) based in Aomori, where I shall be visiting Hirosaki, Lake Towada, and Mutsu too, then I’ll go up to Sapporo, stopping at the Onuma Quasi national park on the way, and once in Sapporo I will also be checking out Otaru and either Furano, Lake Utonai or Lake Toya. THEN , yes there is even more, I’ll be coming back down to Tokyo, making a brief stop in Hakodate along the way, and once in Tokyo I’ll have just one more morning there so I can like, not miss my flight, but also go to odaiba to the museum of emerging science WHICH HAS ROBOTS. actual, human robots. ahem. Also, my last hotel in Tokyo has its own Aquarium, which I have got to see.

Of course, trying to fit so many places into as short a time as possible has meant the planning of this holiday has been a total pain. Yesterday I was up until 3.30am trying to put together an itinerary. This was not the first time I have spent hours trawling through the Internet looking for information but it was the first time I did not just give up out of despair. The sheer number of things to do in Tokyo alone is staggering. I was panicking for a while, worried about so many things, struggling to figure out what I wanted to do and how to fit it all together in a logical way, and most importantly, trying to decide what I could afford to do. Japan is not exactly cheap. And I have been living in Malaysia for the past year. Planning this holiday, I have been made to realise the extent that living in this part of the world has ruined me. I have gotten so used to paying near nothing for food, transport and accommodation that I have completely forgotten how the rest of the world works. Especially places like Japan. During the dreaming stage of this holiday I had been feeling pretty cocky. I had a good chunk of money- so I could do anything, right? Wrong. A big amount of money in Malaysia does not equal a big amount of money in Japan. I began to doubt my sizable chunk was enough. And that was when I began to doubt I could go at all. I did not want that though and so I made various plans based on different budgets and tried to convince myself to choose the cheapest one.

Yet, I ended up ditching those and going with the original, expensive plan.

At the end of the day, as much as I do want to and will try to visit Japan again even after this trip, I feel like I should act like this is my last trip and I should just go for it and do what I want to do. That is, I’ve always wanted to go to Northern Japan. Sure, it would be cheaper just to spend a few days in Tokyo but I really wanted to just get on a train and head up and keep going. Even for my first trip to Japan I wanted to go to Hokkaido and I was bitterly disappointed when I could not fit it in. Oh, my last trip to Japan was wonderful- I am so glad I saw Nagoya and Kyoto, but that did nothing to change the fact that I wanted to see northern Japan, and see all the gorgeous, dramatic scenery it had to offer. of course, Northern Japan is quite far out from Tokyo, and its not the biggest tourist hub. Its been a struggle to find information in English, and it will be difficult up there without knowing Japanese. It will be expensive. I’ll probably end up embarrassing myself. Maybe I’ll get lost. But living abroad has given me a sort of crazy courage when it comes to making a fool of oneself in foreign countries. I think the fact that this is not my first time travelling abroad myself, like the first time I went to Japan, will also help me have courage to really experience things and not shy away for such a silly reason as its difficult. difficult does not mean impossible.* And yes, its expensive but as it turns out, now that I’ve actually sat down and looked at costs instead of panicking about it all, my sizable chunk is actually just about enough.

honestly, this weekend of stressful planning has been totally worth it. Its all coming together so well. I still have so much to do but look at all those places I am going! This is pretty much exactly the holiday I had been dreaming of for years, now booked and ready for me to undertake it. How awesome is that? How lucky am I? And yes, I do say that in a smug sort of way. I kind of want university out of the way with so I can be there already! (sorry, Malaysia. its not that I’m keen to leave you or anything but…Japan!!)

(*Well, technically there are certain things that are impossible. Like, most of the nature reserves in Hokkaido. but that’s more because they are so remote that I’d need a car to get to them, and a lot of time. I had been disappointed that at first, but the more I researched the more I realised I would still be seeing so many lovely things even having to stick close to Sapporo. And Aomori. etc. It’s all OK. )

Listening To: LeeSsang - Tears

“Why did I stop? Please tell me, when will I grow up? How long can I stay a child?”

This break without university has undoubtedly been a good one. First, I went to Thailand for 6 days and had a whale of a time with my sister. We took the night train (14 hours!) to Chiang mai where we spent three days visiting temples, experiencing the night safari, cuddling with tigers, spending too much time at the night markets, experiencing a day looking after elephants, then we flew back to Bangkok where we chilled at Siam paragon and the aquarium, learnt to cook Thai food at a Thai cooking school (though we both agree, we’d likely never make the dishes so tasty again!) and watched Thai boxing at lumpinee (=awesome) and got hopelessly lost in the maze that is Bangkok (=not so awesome). I got back and had a few days to mozy about as I wished before I jetted off to spend the weekend in Penang with my friend. It was only the second time I have been a tourist in Malaysia and the first time I have ventured outside of KL and it was wonderful. I went to the beach for the first time in three years and it was so hot and sweaty to be there, but it was so wonderful to take off my shoes and let my feet sink into the sand, to wade through the waves as I hunted down shells and finally, to sit down in the shade and read idly to the sound of the waves. Of course there was other stuff, too. I have posts about both these holidays lingering in my drafts, waiting to be brutally edited and in desperate need of spell checking. I will see if I ever get around to that. University started again this week and I am feeling hopelessly overwhelmed and unmotivated already. I think I will look back on my second year as university as one of the most brilliant (moving abroad!) and one of the most horrible (second year electrical and electronic engineering!).

I don’t look forward to uni at all anymore. In fact, it quite depresses me. I dread lectures, and I dread labs even more, and mini projects involving programming and real time systems I dread the most. This term is suspiciously light on contact time, which only makes me dread the sheer amount of work I am likely going to have to undertake in my own time. Not only that but there are a lot of labs. I hate labs.

I am beginning to seriously wonder if I should have listened when I told people I wished to do engineering and they told me don’t do it. I had a lecture yesterday introducing a ‘most pleasant’ module called “professional skills for engineers”. This module involves two individual presentations, a multimedia presentation and a group presentation. I started the lecture feeling vaguely unhappy about the whole thing, I ended it feeling in desperate need of a tub of ben & jerrys and a lot of angry rock music. The group presentation involves us choosing us our own groups, which for most people is a good thing, but for the shy, such things are not quite so pleasant. I shall have to wait to see who I am forced together with, and how it all turns out (likely: badly) Then there is the individual presentations which have to be on something engineering and science related and they suggest do something we know, as we are likely to be questioned about whatever topic we choose. And, to make it even more fun, the two presentations have to be on different topics. I realized as I was sitting there that there is nothing I know, let alone two things.

I am a second year engineering student and I have no idea why I am doing this subject anymore. What are my areas of interest? Surely I should know this by now?! Well, after much thinking, I’d say I sorta have an interest energy generation and renewables. I think that was one of the reasons I got into this subject and I don’t think anything has happened over the course over my degree to sway those interests to something else. But what do I know about these? Sadly, I draw a blank. I have no passion for this degree do I? I remember in A levels there was this guy who wanted to go into aerospace engineering and in his free time he built model airplanes. His friends all teased him but I bet he is doing really well with that sort of interest in the subject- that it even bleeds over into his personal time. In my personal time I cannot wait to get away from my degree. I don’t build circuits for fun, I don’t make myself personal coding projects, nor do I even read anything science and technology related (I attempted to read newscientist weekly for a time but it got too much…) Just why am I doing this subject, I wonder, when I am so…so ungeeky. When I don’t really have any passion for it. I have an interest in it, its not like I hate everything I study, but in the end, am I just getting by? When I talk to my dad, an experienced engineer, he can immediately talk about anything engineering related- he can tell me about components and circuit design and different technologies and analyse an unfamiliar circuit within moments. Will I ever be that competent? I certainly am not now, and I don’t even feel like I am even beginning on the path to that level of knowledgeable, as I probably should be. There are so many basic things that I continually forget.

I am beginning to doubt that I ever will become a competent engineer. I proved it in these exams last January- did I not? The exams were unfamiliar, and so I did badly. I cannot help but think that If I was a a good engineer, I would be clever enough to tackle even unfamiliar questions, because I would be clever enough and knowledgeable enough about my subject to apply it to even unfamiliar situations. With the way these exams went this January I feel like I have proven myself unworthy of this degree, or rather had it confirmed. I have never felt like a good engineer. I struggle so much with my subject. And with the way this subject is, most of the people on my course are the sort of insanely clever, well rounded individuals you’d ever meet. When I compare myself to them I cannot help but find myself lacking. I have always been aware of the difference between them and me, but it is only becoming more apparent as the degree gets harder and they continue to flourish whilst I…feel like I am being left behind. I feel so very unsuited to this. I wonder if they too are worried about what to do for this presentation, or if when the lecturer told us about it something immediately popped into their head. I wonder if they too are still floundering with no idea of what they want to do in the future, without any real goals and no passion for anything. Somehow, I doubt it. Everyone has at least one thing they feel passionate about, don’t they?

This is the thing, the worrying thing, there is nothing I feel truly passionate about. Well, nothing that matters. Being able to consume books like air is not exactly an employable skill. When it comes to those- what do I have? I speak just one language, I am terrible at sports, I am shy and reclusive, and then I am not even good at my degree. If only I could just be clever, if only I could have some competency in my degree I would feel more confident and more driven, but I feel myself stalling because I just.. don’t know anymore. I really dislike my degree right now. I feel lost and confused and continually disappointed in myself. I know that I need to overcome these feelings, that no matter what happened in January that I need to keep working but I cannot help the thought that it doesn’t matter how much I work, I will likely never end up anywhere with my terribly personality and how terrible I am at my degree and I think, well maybe I should just enjoy myself and read books instead. Its not good, nothing is good right now. I thought I’d be able to sort myself out with a good break but in the end I was running away for a bit, now I am back exactly where I was.

My room is a mess, my Japanese books lay forgotten on the shelf, my kindle keeps getting fuller and fuller, I go to bed too late and its not like I can ever get to sleep anyway, and I am gaining weight from binge eating too much. I am a bit of a mess right now. I have been for a while and I am at a loss to how to fix it. I just…don’t care anymore. no, not that’s not right. I do care, I care so much that I am retreating out of fear and trying desperately to pretend that I don’t. I have all these EXPECTATIONS and all these DREAMS and I am having to realise how unrealistic they all are, how maybe I am not the sort of person who can achieve those things I dream of, that perhaps I’ve always had too high expectations for myself. I want to be one of those clever, well rounded people. More than that I want to be a competent, knowledgeable engineer. But it feels like… I feel like I’m trying to squeeze myself into a mold that is not made for me.

I need to deal with this and I don’t know how. I need to do these presentations and act knowledgeable when I am not. I need to work in groups in labs and pull my weight but how can I when I just do not know what I am doing? I am dreading this semester. Not looking forward to it at all.

Listening To: SISTAR - Gone not around any longer
mood: awake

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