third year – Page 3 – Honest Lies

“Spoken Words. Broken Hearts. Instant Dreams.”

My family came round over the weekend – my parents and my sister.

I got up bright and early on Saturday morning, keen on taking things day by day like I said I would, and headed to university to work on my coursework. To my surprise, things began to work, and I felt very relieved, even though there was the lingering worry that I still did not really understand, and so was doing it wrong. I then went home, and waited for my family. They arrived one hour after they said they would. It was confusing and overwhelming – they all wanted to speak to me, all wanted my attention, all at once. I admit I mostly wanted to talk to my dad – he recently went on a business trip to Seoul and I was eager to hear about what he thought of it and what he had done and what he had eaten.

Also I’d asked him to buy me some beauty items there and was not disappointed – he brought me a whole bag of goodies. He got me the wrong cleanser – I asked for the History of Whoo brightening cleansing foam, but he got me the History of Whoo cleansing cream. I did not complain of course – too awed by the stunning packaging, and the fact that my father had splurged on something even more expensive and luxurious when I thought he would baulk at just the whitening cleanser! He also got me HERA sunmate daily – my daily sunscreen/makeup base. And the Sooryehan essence foundation. I got a bunch of samples – including HERA homme items which made me laugh – I wanted to know how my father had ended up with those, and I tried to persuade him to use them but my father remained unimpressed. He also stashed away the red pepper paste and some kind of Korean dressing from the plane for me, and his hosts had given him various odd smelling teas that he gave me some sachets of. I’m a little wary of them – one of them smells like coffee, its very odd! Meanwhile my mother took it upon herself to go poking around my house – cleaning things as she wished, and criticizing as she wished too. I pleaded with her to stop but my mother can never be stopped. She even went into my cupboards and my fridge, inspecting…who does this?! My sister was preoccupied this weekend as she has a new boyfriend – so when she wasn’t glued to her phone facebooking him, all she wanted to do was speak about him. It was an overwhelming mix of emotion that came over me faced with my family – nervousness, annoyance, happiness, excitement, anger, embarrassment.

We went out to get something to eat at a lovely Thai restaurant. I had a spicy red curry with coconut rice. So tasty! Afterwards we went to the theatre to see Matthew Bourne’s Swan Lake. This was where the evening took a turn for the awesome. I’ve always wanted to see this rendition of Swan Lake and it did not disappoint. I loved it. It was fairly strange and I am not entirely certain of the plot (I went in knowing it had something to do with swans, and came out knowing it had something to do with swans) but it was beautiful and gripping and emotional, and with a great streak of humour too. At one point I was so completely absorbed in it that I dropped my program on the lady sitting next to me. I would feel bad, if she hadn’t been texting and whispering for the majority of the performance.

If there is one thing that makes me ache seeing this was remembering when I used play the main swan lake theme on my violin. As I was watching it I couldn’t help but remember what that felt like – it had been one of my favourite pieces to play. That evening I listened to the whole opus and ached to pick up my violin and play. I think sometimes I regret failing my music exams more than I regret failing my A levels because it feels like there is no second chance with it, that it was a lost, wasted opportunity. It has really hit me how I squandered what was a really precious, unique opportunity – a lack of time and money means its impossible to take music lessons now, and I badly need a few refresher lessons before I pick up the violin again. I long to play again though – at the end, it became all about exams and I began to hate it, because I was depressed and it was just too much effort, but I remember what it was like before, how wonderful it was to play, how I loved it and how much I actually did want to become Grade 6, Grade 7, Grade 8. I love music, I always have. Isn’t it incredible how it can inspire so many emotions in a person? How it can define moments of our lives? And there’s something especially rewarding about being able to create it, rather than just listening to it. But its time consuming and expensive to learn it. I really regret giving up on it before. I hope that regret doesn’t hang over me for a long time, and one day I will be able to face it and my shame at letting it go and play again.

Anyway, after the theatre my sister and I dropped the parents off at their hotel then went back to mine where we just went to bed. I admit I was a bit disappointed – I wanted to talk to my sister a little bit, when the parents weren’t around, bit she was tired, and still occupied with facebooking her boyfriend.

In the morning my sister wouldn’t wake up and get ready so it was a long, boring morning waiting for her to do so. Eventually she did so and we went to pick up the parents and we went to IKEA and to the supermarket – nothing out of the ordinary. It was all right. My sister and mom wanted to shop before going to IKEA so my dad and I went to get coffee, then look at fish in the pet store ( we were both disappointed to find that there was no PCWorld (technology store) or the like we could look around but the pet store was not a bad alternative and certainly better than being dragged around clothes stores) That was nice – my favourite bit of that day.

It was not a bad weekend with my parents overall– not as bad as I feared it may have been.

They left in the early afternoon on Sunday and I moped about until bed time. I really should have done more work as I have some major deadlines coming up. The first is this Thursday for my big coursework and I’m still not done -and my circuit doesn’t even work so I’m going to lose a bunch of marks for not meeting the specifications. I admit, I was disappointed. On Saturday I was so happy with the results, but I was talking to my friend today and he went through it and everything he did was totally different , and made much more sense and worked. I felt oddly hurt. I’d spent so much time on my circuit, so why? Yeah, I felt pretty stupid. “I’m not a good engineer,”I laughed, tried to make a joke of it, but I was irrationally hurt. In the car with my family my sister remarked “me and daddy are waiting for you to get rich cath” and she laughed, and my dad smiled but I knew neither of them were truly joking. I’ve been in university for four years already and I’m still not done – I know I’m a financial burden on my family by this point. I have been aware for a while now that I need to start work – and there is a financial element to it. I think about the engineering jobs and their salaries. But… I’m struggling to get work and its already making me feel down. So that comment hit a nerve. I do not want to be reminded of my failure to get work. I especially dislike the way my father agreed – after telling me just a few hours earlier that he didn’t mind I was probably not going to work this summer. I do feel a bit of a failure right now, as detailed in so many posts before. I feel extremely worried that I’m not a very good engineer, that I’m not particularly suited or “made” for the career I have chosen. There’s so much pressure to succeed isn’t there though? There’s no room for doubt. This is the career I have chosen so I have to stick with it, and hope that someone will eventually hire me and I’ll be able to grow into the sort of engineer I want to be – competent, capable, confident. And earning lots of money so I can repay my dad and my sister for everything they’ve ever given me. I wish they’d just wait a little longer.

I wish I didn’t feel this guilt for being so unsure, so childish right now. I know I’m 22 but surely I’m still allowed to feel uncertain?

“I wait for the even more dazzling days to come”

Spring seems to be making its arrival here in the UK. The weather is lovely right now – although its still chilly, the sun is out, and my university campus looks very cheerful now with all the spring flowers coming up. I’m glad not to have to bundle up when getting dressed any more- I walked home in just jeans and a t shirt earlier. Its a little brighter too – so its not too gloomy when I walk home. It’s refreshing.

University is strange right now – I feel like I’ve fallen into a bit of funk. Its like, I don’t really feel as if I’m at university right now. I’ve only got three modules, so I only have three lectures a week, all in the afternoon. That and two group project meetings. Plus a whole day for my business module once a week. I’m left with a lot of free time and I’m not managing it very well right now. Its so easy to sleep, and watch dramas, and read until the early hours of the morning instead. Especially since my lectures are in the afternoon. Its my own willpower required to get me up in the mornings and I do not have a lot of that to spare right now. Hence, why it doesn’t feel like university. I feel very detached from the things I need to get done. I feel very detached from things full stop. I think I may have burnt out last semester. All that anxiety and unhappiness, carried over from a whole year of it, and now I’m retreating, withdrawing. I’m not quite giving up, but I feel like I’m definitely wavering.

I’ve got two pieces of coursework due for my business module and I am 1000 words under the word count for both. I have managed to make some progress on a huge piece of coursework I have due in next week for another module, except that’s stalled now as I’m having problems with it and I’m worried I will not be able to finish it. I do not understand what I am doing, really, which makes it very difficult and time consuming. I gathered up courage and asked my lecturer for help the other day and he spent a good while trying to make me understand – but its not working out still which only increases my anxiety, and makes me put it off more. My thesis draft for my group project is due in less than a month and I haven’t even begun writing up the section I am supposed to do. I’m very bored of my group project,so even knowing how much it is worth in terms of my average I am struggling to motivate myself with it. My progress in Japanese is all over the place – I seem to be taking 10 steps back for every step I take forward with it. I have an exam coming up for it and I do not even want to think about it. Its very frustrating but I’m struggling to find the willpower to make the necessary changes. I’ve eased myself into a very relaxing state of being, or rather non-being, which is much more enjoyable than studying all the time. Its so much easier not do anything. To escape to dramas or books or the internet.

I’m supposed to be setting myself up with a good routine now and I have failed miserably at it and its getting me down. Every day I tell myself tomorrow I will do better, but that tomorrow never comes. I mean, I do have some good days where I can wake up at a decent time and get things done, and my eating is improving. However I’m mostly having bad days where I sleep in late and then just chill out for the rest of the day, putting things off until its “too late” to do them and although I am eating more and better- its still not structured enough which makes it more difficult setting up good eating habits. The more I fail, the more I struggle to motivate myself to improve.

I find myself thinking I want things to be easy, now. I question -why can we only gain things through hard work and suffering? Its juvenile but I think to myself that’s so unfair. And, of course, I wonder – what am I working towards? Just what have I gained through working so hard? The future and the dreams I’m working towards are still so far away, and uncertain. I feel restless and eager for change, even as I am terrified of it. I feel overwhelmed by thoughts of the future, but a certain keenness for my dreams to be realized already. Mostly I feel so aware that all my peers are moving forwards whilst I am not. I feel jealous of their success, childish again but I am helpless to it.

I know I need to be patient. I need to focus on the now. Take every day as it comes – and try my best to make each day worthwhile. Oh, thats cheesy isn’t it? But its true? There’s no use ruminating over the past or the future, when right now there’s so much that needs to be done. But even knowing this, I’m still unable to move forward, no matter how much I know I need to.

“We are all going forward. None of us are going back.”

I cannot be the only one slightly startled at the sudden arrival of March? I know I say this often, but where on earth is time going? Someone once told me that university goes by in a flash, and it does seem to be turning out that way.

On Wednesday my father was in the area so he came to visit me. He arrived 3 hours earlier than he said – at which point I was on the bus coming home. It made me a little flustered to have no time to get myself or my house ready and to know he was there waiting whilst I was on the bus, which could take as much or little time as it wanted to get anywhere. (Typically, there was traffic and the bus stopped at every stop which only increased my anxiety.) Anyway, I got home and then we hung out for a bit – I made him some coffee and we chatted and it was a little awkward for a little while but then we made plans to go to IKEA before getting food and once we had a plan most of the awkwardness faded. I do not know why I feel so awkward around my father?

I guess lately I have been wondering – am I too close, too dependent on my family? Am I burden on them, because I am so shy and withdrawn, and therefore rely on them? I am acutely aware that I probably am too dependent on my family. At this age, I should be shifting my support network to a boyfriend or friends right? But I still find the first people I turn to are my sister and my father. I do not want to bother them and I don’t want to be a burden and yet, I need them to be there for me. Its probably selfish, isn’t it. I feel like such a burden to everyone – family, friends. I wish I could cut all ties and be independent – but I am not in a place financially or emotionally for it. Emotionally, I do not think I could ever be totally alone. I do not want to be totally alone. At the same time being around people can make me so anxious and can make me feel so bad about myself. I always, always feel like I’m bothering people and that they would rather be elsewhere.

Nonetheless it was pretty fun at IKEA – I admit, I love going around IKEA. I love dreaming of my future home – wall to wall bookcases, a big, beautiful kitchen with a fancy oven, walls filled with pictures, paintings and mementos of my travels. On one hand I dream of travel – leaving everything behind and going here for a couple years, there for a few years, another place, always new. On another I dream of a home – a place I can settle into and make my own. (I think ideally I’d like something in between – to travel occasionally, but to always have a place to come back to.) After IKEA we went to Nandos and embarrassed ourselves by not knowing how the system works – apparently you order at the desk, and get your own cutlery. Shows how often we go there! But the food was nice anyway. We went to the supermarket next, then back home. Before he left, my dad quickly made up some storage for me and helped hang up some pictures.

I wasn’t sure how much I wanted to settle into this house – I’m only here for a short while, but at the same time I do want it to feel comfortable. So I put up some noticeboards (well, my dad did), which I stuck up some pictures and some revision notes. I hung up a couple of calligraphy prints up on one wall. I then put some more pictures into frames and put them on my windowsill. Pictures of my sister and I on my 15th birthday, when she took me to see Dir en Grey, my father and I at the summit of a hill, I am pale and thin, but managing to smile nonetheless, pictures of Japan, a picture of Cape town, my family in front of Victoria falls, my sister and I laughing in the middle of the jungle in Thailand, totally relaxed because we do not know we were being photographed (I love that picture – I am usually awkward in pictures, but as I was not aware of the camera, I am actually smiling) It’s nice to have these things to look at – to have these beautiful memories there, in reach, something to hold onto.

I’m not feeling OK still but I can feel myself starting to feel hope that everything is going to be OK again – which is a good enough feeling. I was so scared, so anxious and so terrified of what that means. But I’m really getting stuck into my CBT now and everything has been put into perspective, and I’m working through it, and it takes the edge off it. I had another appointment with the psychologist this week and I have a plan of action now. Its really difficult – I have to try and create a routine, so to eat regularly. Bt I’m trying, I’m going to try.

Now, if only uni would go better. I have no idea, still, what is going on with two of my modules – and just 20 days until coursework is due for one of them. My group and I also have to start putting together our thesis, and I’m not sure how that’s going to turn out. I’ve also started my last module which is a business focused module which involves a 9am-5pm workshop involving group work and presentations and writing business reports afterwards and I don’t even know. I had the first on Thursday and it was not fun and I have two more sessions for it coming up and I am dreading it.

I’m really not enjoying university at all right now. I’m tired and I’m bored and at the same time, so anxious. I’ve just got to keep trying to move forward though.

Post Title: Richard Siken - Snow and Dirty Rain

” I don’t know what to expect, I don’t know what’s coming next”

→ I got my results on Thursday. I was such a mess beforehand – I was terrified, what if I failed? What then? I felt a horrible kind of certainty that I had failed. I’d panicked during my exams, I had struggled, I had left so much blank. I was definitely expecting the worst. We could have got our results from our tutors on Wednesday – but I felt too terrible about it all to face him. Everyone was talking about their results and how well they had done and it only made me more nervous, more afraid. So I wasn’t planning to check them online on Thursday either – I was going to put it off as long as possible. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want to. But I got home from uni on Thursday and I felt so angry at myself and at how pathetic I was being, I just wanted it to be over. So I opened up the university portal, took a deep breath and clicked “my marks.” I was shocked at what I saw. I had passed. Not only had I passed but I had done well. One low grade pulled my average down but otherwise it was OK. It was OK. I was so happy. But mostly relieved.

→ I’m still job hunting and it still does not go well. I feel a bit better that at least my grades are still good but it feels sometimes like even with high academic achievement its still not enough. I am probably not going to be able to do an internship this summer, which I can deal with, but it brings up interesting questions about what will happen when I actually need to get employed after university. I was talking to a friend the other day and she suggested that maybe these kind of jobs weren’t for me – that I should in future go for smaller companies. I think she has a point but the thing is – I want those big companies, those amazing graduate schemes, to be for me. I wasn’t supposed to do engineering – but here I am. I wasn’t supposed to live abroad – but I did that too. I don’t care about what my personality dictates would be easier for me. Fuck my shyness and my anxiety and all those things. I want to become really, stupidly successful anyway. I want to go as far as I can go – the 2:1 masters degree in engineering, a competitive graduate job. No matter how exhausting it is, I just keep on pushing myself because I have this dream, these goals, and I want to prove to myself, and OK, to others, that I am capable of fulfilling them. But with that comes the doubt- am I capable?

→ It was really great meeting up with my friend. Its so good to talk to someone who you can be totally honest with – someone who you can say I’m not OK and they will listen and understand. Nonetheless, I wonder if I have become a burden to her for relying on her like this.

→ I wish I could say I felt better now that results have come through. Everything is OK, right? But I have no confidence. Every time I succeed I feel relieved, I feel blessed – like it’s just luck. I’m still afraid of that luck running out. Its not like life just stops once you achieve something – there’s always more that needs to be done. That, to me, needs to be conquered. That’s how my life seems to have become – always fighting (myself) to get anything done. I still have a thesis to write, and three more modules to succeed in, and Japanese to finally put some effort into. But I’m so tired. Its exhausting me – all this anxiety, all this fear, all this doubt. Don’t give up now, I tell myself. Don’t give up. Lately, it falls on deaf ears. I am not working hard enough right now – I need to get on with example sheets and assignments and I’ve fallen behind so badly on my thesis research, but its so hard to care. I am beginning to lose the will to fight. I used to think if I just worked hard enough it will be OK but job hunting has made me question. What if its not enough? What if after everything, I cannot end up where I want to be? This is why its probably dangerous to set yourself so many goals, and to become so fixated on achieving them. But I cannot get through without something to work towards either…

→ I had my last doctors appointment this week. I waited for 59 minutes for what was essentially a check up. It was so pointless and awkward, but he didn’t suggest I come see him again, and so I am gratefully relinquished from that. I saw the psychologist for the first time about my eating disorder too, and that was terrifying. The appointment was long and it was painful. At one point she asked me about my depression and that was the worst. I cannot remember, you know. I’m clinging onto all this stuff as a result of that, but I cannot even remember what it was like. Its just like this…incredibly dark period of time. I remember feeling exhausted, sad and angry but I cannot for the life of me remember why. Am I supposed to remember? Does it make my depression lesser that I cannot pinpoint some great tragedy that brought it about? Was I making a big deal out of nothing? Its been years, and everything is kind of hazy. Anyway, we talked about a whole range of stuff and she gave me some things to take away and work through. I’m trying to throw myself into it but again, there is this fear and this anxiety and this doubt. and well, embarrassment too. Its really fucking embarrassing. There is definitely a part of me that regrets going down this path – Am I doing the right thing? Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Have I made the right treatment choices? Do I go on medication? But I don’t want to go on medication – I’m so afraid of going on medication. Am I just making myself miserable? All these kind of thoughts spiral through my head. But telling myself to stop it just doesn’t work you know? I can recognise my bad thought patterns and my bad coping methods but I cannot help myself. I feel so out of control.

→ I’m still really struggling. At least its not reflected on my grades any more. Last year it was reflected on my grades. And it was terrifying – was I going to fail again? But…maybe it is OK now. Maybe. I just have to find the strength, somehow, to get through this semester. And try not to think too hard about the future, to not worry about the future, while I’m at it.

Post Title: Olivia - Sailing Free

Tell me what the rain knows

Exams finally over! I had my very last yesterday. To be honest, they all went terribly. I have been a mess over the exam period – I started eating chocolate again, and alongside that I mostly survived off bread and fruit and little else. I couldn’t sleep properly, I stopped doing chores so the house became cluttered and messy. I was anxious and struggling to revise, and to concentrate during exams. The exam papers were difficult. It was awful. Breathe, I was always reminding myself, just slowly, breathe in, breathe out. I’d find myself in the middle of the living room, or in the girls bathrooms before exams, or in the middle of the exam, or at the end, desperately trying to do the breathing exercise, desperately trying to calm myself down. I could never quite manage to do it properly – my breathes were always shaky, and my chest was always too tight, it felt like I could never get enough air, but it sort of worked. I think that and fast paced walks to and from exams kept me from full on panic attacks, and yes OK, the chocolate too, but the anxiety was always there. My heart was always pounding an my chest was always tight and I was always filled with a sense of dread, that something terrible was going to happen and soon. I felt useless and like a failure – why, when you revised so hard, are you struggling, the cruel little voice in my head would taunt.

I still slightly am filled with these feelings. I’m desperately trying not to dwell on it though, not to sit and fret about results. I’m going to stop eating chocolate now. Its not done me any good – my skin has broken out, and my eczema feels dreadful. I’m just – still not in a very good place. and yes, I am worried about how that impacted my exams. I worked so hard, and I’m so scared that it won’t show. But – trying not to think of it. My thoughts go like that – worrying, then reeling back, worrying, then reeling back. I want to be positive, I want to put it all behind me – but its always there. That voice. Those thoughts.

I spent a lot of today cleaning and de-cluttering. Answered and sent some emails I’d been putting off during exams. Did some other little things I’d been putting off. It helped. Tomorrow, I will do more.

My job interview is next Tuesday, already. I do not feel in the mood for it -I’m still anxious, I don’t feel like I look my best which is impacting my confidence. I want to just go there and do my best – but I feel a lot of pressure. Its such an incredible opportunity, I feel so amazed and lucky that I made it even to this stage, and I cannot help but hope for even more luck, even as the hope scares me. Although I dread that, I am ridiculously excited to going to Edinburgh for a holiday afterwards. I finalized all my plans tonight. I’ve unfortunately had to plan around the weather quite a bit – it seems it going to be even colder in Scotland than I imagined. I badly wanted to go to Linlithgow Palace and Arthur’s Seat seems nice – but that’s off the table in this weather. Instead I’m sticking to Edinburgh city, and I’m going to stay indoors as much as possible. I’m visiting museums, the castle (of course the castle!!), The Palace of Holyroodhouse. I’m going to eat Japanese food on Wednesday night, Thai food on Thursday night, and Korean food on Friday night. I cannot make these foods myself – too expensive and difficult to get the ingredients , and I wouldn’t even know where to begin putting it together- and I cannot afford to eat out often , so when I do, I always go for Asian food. Japanese and Thai food are my favourite, and I loved the food I ate in Korea, so I’m crazy excited for that. I wanted to go to a South African shop too, as I heard there were a bunch there, but unfortunately I cannot find any information online. I’ll have to leave that one to chance.

It’s going to all be a bit expensive this holiday – but not too devastating. I’m hoping that what I get out of it will more than make up for the financial loss. It should be fun.

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