It’s been a while since I posted regularly hasn’t it? Reading through my last entry its completely obvious how out of practice I am- and how stressed I was at that time. I have an unfortunate habit of using lots! of! exclamation marks! when stressed! It doesn’t read well does it? I also find that I have been so stressed lately that blogging became just another thing I have to do which it should never be. I want a record of my time here in Malaysia and that isn’t going to write itself, and that doesn’t have to be a chore.I admit, everything seems like too much effort lately. I am feeling very drained. My last exam was yesterday and so I ended up staying up until 4am reading and totally I woke up at 2pm, literally woke up, as if 10 hours of sleep is a natural amount to be completely passed out for, and finally dragged myself out of bed at 5pm. Today I was supposed to get through the large amount of chores I have but in the end I have spent most of it asleep.
Isn’t it strange that its already the 17th of January? Christmas last year was a very quiet affair. (Last year. What.) The Semester ended like it always did- suddenly, with deadlines that seemed so far away suddenly beginning to pile up, tests to be taken, lectures finishing and with that came the realization that oh shit, lectures are finishing and I am only on example sheet 1, then panic and finally, beginning to properly revise. Revision is largely how I spent my Christmas break. It was not a very Christmassy Christmas. The only time it really felt like Christmas was when I went out into KL with my friend a few days before the 25th to go see the Christmas decorations at KLCC, Times Square and Pavilion. It was a ridiculously fun day. We went to KLCC first and had lunch- western food, of course. Then we went to M&S and indulged in more western food- I got very enthusiastic and brought shortbread and microwaveable Christmas puddings and chocolate covered hazelnuts, dolly mixture, chocolate coins… Proper chocolate and sweets and something to make me feel Christmassy. Then we went onwards to Times Square and finally pavilion. As for the decorations? Spectacular, of course. Christmas here is more commercial than anything else of course, so they really go all out. We saw gardens of Christmas trees coated in lights, a small army of giant toy soldiers, angels hanging from the ceilings, and of course there was some mediocre Christmas music playing, though nothing as awful as what had been playing in Tesco earlier. Pavilion had the best Christmas decorations of the lot, but it was all fairly grand.
Christmas itself was spent in my room revising. I did phone my family of course and we talked randomly about this and that. With my mom being in Cape Town it was fairly quiet for my dad and sister, too.
New years came too quickly. I spent new years eve in the library then at 10 to midnight, just before leaving, I texted my sister “happy new years!”, amused that it was January 1st here whilst it was still midday on new years eve there. I talked to my sister as I walked back to my room. Later, I spoke to my Grandmother, too. Her and my grandpa also spent a quiet Christmas. It seems that no one in my family is really celebrating this year. Even for new years, my sister, who used to always go out, was staying at home with my dad. That did shock me, but then my sister has changed a lot since graduating. As we were talking on the phone she told me about her job and what she wore to work and all the things she had bought lately and I once more became very aware of those three years between us, of the fact that my sister is maturing fast, is an adult now. This makes me happy whilst it also makes me sad. As time passes I know my sister cannot remain just my sister for much longer, but will likely one day have a husband and her own family taking up her time. The distance between us will only grow further, you know? I don’t feel mature or adult-like, but spending Christmas alone and not celebrating definitely made me feel little adult, like I’ve truly outgrown Christmas mornings spent opening presents and lazing around watching movies with my sister or arguing over a game of monopoly with her whilst waiting for my Dad to finish lunch. I’m growing up now and things are quickly changing, have been changing for the past few years. I guess this was the first year it hit me how different things are becoming, in this strange new adult world I am about to venture into, tentatively, one foot in the door and one foot still on the threshold.
I was alone and revising, or to be honest, procrastinating from revising.
All the time examinations were creeping closer, a parasitic presence in my mind. I have struggled this semester with the work, with getting myself to work, with everything. But I tried very hard with my revision. I reminded myself again and again of my goals to get onto the MEng course and struggled on. In the end… it did not go well. I’ll write a separate entry about that, lest this gets too long. And now? Now I have two days free then I’m flying to Thailand where I’ll be meeting my sister at Bangkok airport, and we’ll be exploring Chiang Mai and Bangkok over the course of 6 days. I’m both very nervous and very excited. After that? A couple of days break then I’ll be spending the weekend in Penang. That I am excited for. So in the end? I may be tired and miserable right now, but I certainly have a lot to look forward to.
Studying abroad for the year, despite everything, is still one of the best decisions I ever made.