health – Page 2 – Honest Lies

Unexpected no-poo success: powdered seaweed

I’d never heard of using seaweed for the skin before, but my sister and I were at a food fair when we stumbled upon a small store selling powdered seaweed. I asked about using it for a dry scalp/eczema and the woman gave us an amazing sales talk, and let us try some on our hands. My sister and I were quite surprised with how nice it felt and how smooth it left our hands. Still, usually I would not be so easily led to purchase, what with no prior research and one sales talk, but as anyone who has eczema knows, desperation for a cure/for relief makes you an easy sell. I purchased the smallest tub, and then set it aside for a while, before eventually deciding to try it out. I was a bit nervous about using it, as I’m always nervous for trying new things – I don’t want to make my eczema worse, or mess up my no-poo routine after all!

I mixed it up with a little warm water to make a soft, spreadable paste and smothered my scalp in it, before shoving my hair in a disposable shower cap (collected from hotels by me and my sister for this purpose!) Then I had some left over, so I put it on my face down to my décolletage. Then I left it be for a bit. It stank. It was messy (both to apply and when rinsing.) It was ugly – if you live with anyone, prior warning would be needed before turning yourself into a green skinned monster. It didn’t feel that amazing on my skin. However, once I had rinsed it away I was amazed by the results.

So I’ll get it out the way, this is yet another product that I bought for the intention of healing my eczema which did not do that and yet did other great things which means I still like it. phew. I’ve taken to using it every couple of months now. I use it the same way- smothering my scalp in it, shoving my hair in a cap, using the leftovers on my face, neck and back. Leaving it for 10+ minutes to do its thing. It rinses out really easily, although clumps of it do somehow end up everywhere so you have to give the shower a good rinse as well after. It leaves my hair glossy and with a lot more body to it. It’s noticeably nice, for lack of better terms. My sister even complimented my hair after using it, saying that it was looking good. (My sister does not approve of my no-poo routine, so this is unusual.) It does not really have any cleaning properties, but it does not make my hair any greasier. It does not soothe the scalp really, but it does help cleanse flakes. As for my skin, it leaves my face feeling smooth and clarified. It’s really great for when skin is a little bit red and unhappy, a little sensitive, usually because of stress in my case. It calms the skin. It also makes my body skin soft. It doesn’t cause any irritations anywhere.

I think I’m even getting used to the smell now. Because it’s worth it. I’m really loving this stuff and am quite pleasantly surprised by the results. I use the Aalgo brand, and I’ve got tonnes left (this stuff lasts forever) but if I was running out I would repurchase.

*This is not sponsored. Purchased it myself with my own money, and all opinions are my own.

Meanwhile

molly3 dunham_8583 dunham_8537 dunham_2599

Breakfast, Dinner, Tea and Supper.(Click for larger)

“Dearest – Thanks. I love you, my own beautiful darling. Long be with you always. Thou art mine and I am thy faithful devoted lover till death and beyond” (click for super larger)
dunham_05

I went home last weekend! I feel like every entry is starting this way. The truth is I have been spending a lot of time at home because I have needed to. I’m depressed right now. There, I came right out with it. I’m not clinically depressed, but I’m feeling really low right now. My disordered eating is bad, my anxiety is bad, and I cry a lot and struggle to get out of bed in the mornings. There is not so much to write about there. Deadlines are piling up and no matter what I do, I never seem to get close to completing anything. It’s making me feel very overwhelmed and anxious.

This is why I’ve been going home so much, of course. I didn’t admit it to myself until recently – but I need help right now. I need people around to make sure I’m eating properly and doing my work. I need looking after. I need my cat. (Please don’t judge me for that one.) And it has been working for me; I had fun during previous trips home, and on my latest two trips back I also had a great time. I managed to get lots of work done, whilst also being able to relax and get out the house a few times to take my mind off things. My cat also stuck to me like glue, and is there anything to make coursework more palatable than a warm, purring cat sleeping on your lap? (Well, apart from her little claws digging into my thighs.)

The previous weekend it was just my sister and I, which was a lot of fun. With my sister breathing down my neck, I got a lot of work done. Whilst also being able to spend time with her, spend a lazy Easter Sunday in Costa with my best friend, and give my cat lots of cuddles.

Last weekend, I was mostly with my mom and dad. I mostly stayed at home and ploughed through some work, but we did go out as a family (minus my sister) on Sunday to a local stately home and gardens to have a wander around there. It was a beautiful sunny day, and the place was already very busy despite getting there early. We decided to head into the mansion first, in order to try and avoid the crowds that would surely come later. Besides, it had been years since we’d been to this place and it had recently been renovated, so we decided to have a thorough look around.

The mansion was partly set up as a war time hospital and we first had a look at those rooms. It was really interesting reading about the early medicine, which was actually a lot more advanced than I realised, and they also had some old newspapers on display which fascinated me, especially the personals as shown above. Life without cell phones, right? I love the woman looking for the person she met on the train, and the love notes are also beautiful. They did however have a bunch of actors wandering around the hospital in character as people from the time which was super creepy. You can see an injured soldier up there browsing through some papers… The rest of the mansion is set up as it would have been lived in, which was also interesting. I fell hard for the library especially, and spent some time enthusiastically talking to the guide in that area. Apparently, books were sent to the house unbound, and if accepted were sent away to be bound with the house’s personal crest on the spine. They also have some very old books, with one dating right back to 1539 although I was disappointed to learn that was not on display. Either way, working in a bookstore has definitely turned my love of books into a sickness.

After the house we went to the cafe for a hearty lunch at the ever wonderful National Trust Cafe’s – I had a delicious vegan spicy bean soup. Then we went to look at the gardens. I had been dying to see the bluebell wood, which always reminds me of I Capure the Castle, but unfortunately we came at an awkward time as the things we wanted to flower were either finished (my bluebells :( ) or yet to bloom (the lovely new rose garden). It was still very pretty. I was taken with the Chinese Red Birch and there were some beautiful tulips, cherry blossoms and magnolia trees in full bloom.

I also liked having my parents to myself, selfish, but whatever. As the younger, quieter sibling it is nice to have their attention without having to fight for it. We had a braii later and again, it was nice and relaxed and pleasant to be at home, with my family and my cat. Monday passed quietly with more work, and then Tuesday much the same, except that evening I went to Paint Nite with my sister. Paint Nite works like thus: you get given paints, a blank canvas and loose, casual instructions as to how to paint a certain picture and then you can do what the hell you like. There is a bar close by, and drinking is encouraged (although neither my sister and I wanted to.) My painting is shown above – I’m pleased with it but the lack of planning shows, I wish my background was stronger and that my cherry blossoms had a logical shape! Either way it was great fun, very casual, not competitive, and I’m planning to go with my sister again sometime. It was great to have a night off and to truly forget about university for a few hours. And to be honest, I had not painted since high school and I had forgotten how much fun it was. My dad drove me home after that, and thats where I’ve been since. This week has been bad, because once I don’t have my parents around to watch me I slip easily back into bad habits.

Apart from that, nothing much. Nothing much at all. Still learning to drive, with my test coming up in June. Still working at the book store and mostly enjoying it. But most of all I’m just trying to get through these last few weeks of university, and mostly failing, but at least it will soon be over. I pray for it to be over.

I’ve been trying to get into yoga lately. I tried so many breathing exercises and what not for my anxiety, but I found I’d get bored and distracted and it wouldn’t help. I thought that doing something whilst focusing my breathing may be the ticket. Which is why I decided to try Yoga. It seemed like the sort of thing that would aid relaxation, and which could be learnt without going to a class and learnt cheaply – no fancy work out clothes or gym memberships or equipment. I didn’t even have an exercise mat and little ambition other than to relax, so I loved the Yoga With Adriene night time video. It was simple and I could do it on my bed before I went to sleep, to ground myself and try to settle my anxiety. I didn’t find it made any major difference to my sleeping, but I still enjoyed having those few minutes of feeling settled. And after hours hunched over revision it felt good to stretch out. Of course there’s only so many times you can do the same thing…

I now have an exercise mat, courtesy of my parents for Christmas, and so I feel like pushing myself now. I’m quick to take things up and drop them so I won’t push myself too much, but I want to try and learn more. I’m going to stick with Yoga With Adriene, as I find her videos easy to understand and I like her…presence? Attitude? That kind of positivity that doesn’t cross over into cheesy or patronising, but makes you feel good. I have also been looking through her beginners’ videos and videos on the various poses which are great for getting to grips with it. I’m thinking of slowly working my way through her various workouts and see what happens. The night time one remains my favourite but I’m also going to try some of the more challenging ones. I may also have a poke around YouTube and amazon to see what else there is. I’m definitely not going to a class: I don’t have that kind of money or confidence.

I want to find something that makes me feel good and helps my anxiety, not just relying on pills you know?

I just hope I don’t break/strain/hurt myself. My body is not used to being stretched in the ways yoga demands…

“This helpless heart and these scars”

I went to the doctor’s today for my monthly review. I was supposed to go to see my usual doctor on Monday, but I slept through the appointment so I was stuck seeing another doctor that I don’t like today. It was an awkward appointment, with a man I don’t know trying to get me to talk about my innermost feelings. I didn’t want to. I did want to know – how long could I expect to be on anti depressants and how long I have to drag myself to the doctor’s monthly. His answer confused and annoyed me. He said usually it would be 6 months, and then it may be possible that I go off them or go on longer prescriptions. He said that it would depend on whether I get “better.” And I was puzzled – I did not know what he was trying to say. What is better? He is clearly not as good as treating mental health as my doctor – my doctor would never make such false promises. I saw it as a false promise, and I was annoyed that he would dangle it in front of me. I’ve been struggling with my mental health since I was 15 – am I ever going to be better? And is it even OK to think in those terms? When I first overcame depression I thought I was better and I stopped treating myself, and I relapsed. I didn’t get depression again – but I relapsed into the negative thought patterns, the difficulties sleeping, the worries and anxieties and low self esteem. I developed disordered eating as I tried to eat away my feelings, because by the time things had gotten worse I hadn’t been prepared for them, and I had forgotten what it was like and what to do. I wasn’t ready to feel that way again. So – better? He talked like there was an end point to this. But is there? Isn’t it better to keep myself ready for it…

…or perhaps that would turn into waiting for it, and then where would I be.

And I wonder about the antidepressants. He asked me what was working about them, and what wasn’t and I struggled to answer. I feel it – I can’t describe it but I feel just a little different. I feel more able to cope. I’m struggling with insomnia, and I’m stressed and unhappy, but I’m holding on. I don’t know how they are doing it, but these pills are giving me just a little bit more strength to get through. I wish I would be able to fall asleep easier, that my concentration would improve, that I wouldn’t feel quite so tired. But when I’m at work, when I’m driving and chatting happily with my driving instructor, when I’m scared and worried but not hyperventilating or crying every day over it, I think its better. My disordered eating has completely come back – and that it worrying me. I wished the pills could do something. I wish they would have made it disappear – this hunger. Except its not appetite is it- this is a very different type of hunger.

I admit to maybe feeling a bit scared of going off the tablets – what then? I cannot imagine life without my shitty mental health. So maybe hearing “better” doesn’t annoy me, it scares me. What happens when I’m better? What would change? Would anything be different? Or would it be like the first time I went through CBT for my depression and I came out of my last appointment on top of the world, only to crash down a couple of years later when all my expectations and my hopes shattered as real life pressed its weight down on my shoulders?

Sometimes I think I am clinging onto my mental health, somehow doing this to myself, to give myself a convenient excuse for why I am so spectacularly useless at life.

I’m not writing much. I struggle to express these feelings inside me. This feeling of dread deep inside me, this fear, like I’m being followed by an invisible enemy. Something is going to happen and I’m caught in the headlights, paralysed. I’m coping, but just. I’m struggling with uni, still. I’m terrified of graduating and being thrown out into real life. I can’t sleep and I have horrible, disturbing dreams. Driving lessons are going well though, and work is too, and my family are being nice right now. I’m going home soon – two whole weeks. Hopefully my parents can help me reclaim the lost hours in my day as it is currently – hours lost to oversleeping, to finding myself spacing out, or too exhausted to work. I worry about the lack of privacy and alone time at home, but I know I need someone around me to make sure I wake up in the mornings and to watch what I eat. And I want a break from other minor responsibilities- like chores. I am not doing a good job at taking responsibility for myself right now, and so I’m trying to the proper thing and I’m going home where I can focus on trying to get through my work, and let my parents do the rest. I’m trying not to feel bad about needing that.

It doesn’t sound like I’m coping at all. But I’m not ending my days sobbing miserably or hyperventilating as I am overcome by panic and I can talk to people and go to work without panicking so I’ll take what I can get. “Are you enjoying your course right now?” the doctor asked. No, I said and laughed, because what else can I do?

“Its not that,” I told my mom when she told me to do something else if I hated my degree so much. “I want to be an electrical engineer. Its everything I want. I just don’t think I’m good enough.”

Can a pill make you feel good enough? Or are there things you lose because of depression and you can’t get them back? Just what does it mean to be “better”?

Post Title: 12012 - Swallow

“It just goes to show you can’t leave anything behind. You bring it all with you, whether you want to or not.”

So now I’m going to carry on from this post and I’m going to try and keep this positive, because I had my whine in the last post.

So rewind: two weeks back. It doesn’t seem long ago. My sister dropped me off and perched in front of the TV at home, whilst my mom and I went out shopping together. We actually had a lot of fun together- chatting and browsing idly whilst forgetting what we had actually come for. My mom spoiled me a little. It had been years since my mom and I had gone shopping – before I became depressed I think we may have gone out quite often together. As I walked along that high street I was amazed at by how much it changed, but also by how much the same it was. I felt like I was younger again, and I remembered. I remembered me and my mother going out together, and how we got along. It’s crazy how much being a teenager changes you and the relationships between yourself and others, and my depression didn’t help. Anyway we went grocery shopping next, and then we came home. I cooked supper. My sister got ready to leave. My sister left. My mother and I ate sitting side by side on the couch watching some reality program. My mother really enjoyed the meal I made here, and I felt happy. I cleaned the kitchen nicely for her as she finished her program, then we put a film on, some romantic comedy that was very enjoyable at the time but not particularly memorable. That night I slept in my mothers bed, in the void left behind by my dad. We watched another film first, another romantic comedy, then went to sleep. I had a fantastic sleep. I did not wake up once, I did not have weird dreams. In the morning I woke up feeling comfortable, relaxed and refreshed. I could have just stayed there. My mother and father’s bed really is the best. Its the same frame they’ve always had, so it feels like the same bed that I used to go to when I was little, still in South Africa, and afraid of the dark. When I was younger and I got sick, I would stay home, curled up in my parents bed, always on my fathers side. It’s a place of comfort and healing for me, no room for bad thoughts. I slept so damn well.

That Sunday I went to the food festival with my mother and sister. My mother was in a bad mood and my sister was in a bad mood and the festival wasn’t as good as the one I went to with my sister for my birthday this year, but it was still quite good. I ate a lot of bratwurst mostly. As the sign at the stall said “money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you an 8 inch sausage.” That made me laugh. There was a South African stall too- run by a guy from Joburg. We had the usual chat about why they’d moved, how bad the situation in South Africa is and how much better it is here, how much the weather sucks here, although he did not mind too much. We bought miniature milk tarts and butter milk rusks. Very random to stumble across it, but nice. It’s always nice to bump into fellow South Africans, although also sad. So many people are leaving. So many people you meet have so many bad things to say about SA, and they are hardly wrong. Its not like it comes from a place of hate- its comes from a place of disappointment. And that’s what is so sad. That these people, that my family even, love South Africa so much but cannot see a viable future there for themselves or their children. So they pack up, leave, start again somewhere else.

We got home and I hung out with my sister watching bad reality TV then went to bed. The next morning I did some chores for my mother, then went to the train station to return to my uni home. Since then its just been the same old routine of uni and work and driving lessons. Coursework deadlines are creeping up, as are exams and I’m feeling under pressure. I’m still struggling. I’m supposed to be positive in this entry though so I’ll stop there.

I developed a cold last week, was coughing and weak for a time but seem to be better now, which is great.

Finally a random collection of positive things from the past couple of weeks:

➔ This was the really great article on disordered eating mentioned in the last post.

➔ Driving went really well this week and last week, despite having a week off. A little shaky on clutch control, but my driving instructor is still letting me loose on fairly busy roads. Progress!

➔ My best friend emailed me today and we are going to meet up soon! Just when I had given up ever hearing from her again. I’m so excited, but I’m trying to refrain myself from writing back right away so I don’t show it. I don’t want to look desperate.

➔ I am really enjoying work. It does make me a bit anxious, but the work is very manageable, almost relaxing at times, and my co-workers are really nice. We have interesting chats, at least it is for me. It does feel good to take a few hours away from university every week to help out in the shop, and to have a chance to interact with other people. Even if it makes me anxious, it also feels good and helpful. Stops me from becoming too self absorbed, you know?

➔ There’s a couple of cats down a road near me who always greet me when I walk past, and I likewise. I petted them on the way home one evening last week, and looked up to see a little girl watching me out her living room window in confusion. I guess I must look crazy. I don’t care. It always cheers me up to see them.

➔ I’ve managed to talk to my father a couple of times this week. This has really helped stress wise. My dad has a way of making me feel motivated about university, and making me feel like I’m capable. I really appreciate that I have the sort of father that doesn’t mind taking the time to explain things to me. I probably would never have become an engineer if not for my father always taking the chance to explain things to me since I was a little girl– regardless of that fact I am a girl. I’ve grown up listening to my father informing me on how the world works and encouraging me to be curious – how a car works as we drive to get groceries, how all kinds of technologies new and old work as we walk around a museum, how the electronics of items work as he takes them apart to fix etc. I’m not sure I’d be able to carry on with my degree without it.

➔ I went to see the doctor and he told me it was great to see me looking so well. He said I looked happy and healthy. He seemed genuinely pleased with my process. It made me feel good. Yes, I am still struggling, but if I look back at where I was… I have improved in many ways. I’m glad I went to the doctors. And I think the antidepressants are going to be a good thing in the long run. There’s a lot more I can be doing myself, after all. See: willpower and discipline.

➔ I have completed three job applications and started two more. I spoke to the careers advisor again to get more advice and motivation. Gotta keep going!

➔ I have done some studying these past two weeks, actually. Even if it doesn’t feel like I’m making much progress, I have made some effort at some points. (positivity fail? Oh well.)

➔ I have started, just occasionally, doing yoga and I think I really like it.

➔ I have been reading some fabulous books lately. The Tenderness of Wolves was excellent,so rich in historical detail and with incredible characterisation, although it was utterly heart breaking. I cried once I finished it because I was so overtaken by how it had effected me and how much loss I felt at it being over and like that. There was so much longing in the book – not just for love – and so much of it unrequited and with no realistic resolution/going nowhere. I wanted to write about it here but words failed me. Even what I’ve written now feels inadequate. I’m reading The Falling Woman currently which is incredible in the way it presents religion, ancient history and mental illness and questions our perceptions of what is real and normal without being preachy. In between, I have been flicking through the new scientist last word books which are very entertaining.

➔ I found a local organic supermarket which is expensive, but sells amazing items – like brown short grain rice, spelt flour, puy lentils and every kind of alternate product you could wish for.

➔ I started using cloth sanitary pads and have been quite impressed. Am pondering writing a post on them – I’ve already written posts on not using shampoo and on mental illness so maybe I’ve already crossed all tmi boundaries, or is this one a further one? Hard to know what is too much (information). I’ve been blogging too long.

There, a nice (?) solid list of 13 things*. That wasn’t too hard, actually.

*Bloggers always go for multiples of five. Well, I’m using a prime number OK? I like awkward numbers. Whatever.

Post Title: Stef Penney - The Tenderness of Wolves

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