→ I had to finalize my fourth year modules today. I’ve been so stressed out about it. I thought by fourth year we would have some freedom – that there would be some fun modules, like being able to do a language, or to do something on renewables. Such a thing was not to be. I had 20 credits of free modules which I wanted to take Japanese in, but turns out I had to take 10 credits of business modules, and as a Japanese course is 20 credits…well. I also did not like the look of any of my other engineering module choices. I’ve had ages to think of it, but I felt so overwhelmed so kept putting it off. Finally, I emailed my head of year to ask if I could take Japanese anyway. No dice. I reluctantly chose two business modules, went to the business school, and got told I couldn’t take one of the modules. Sat at the business school reception for like an hour, going over and over the module list they had given me – trying to find anything that sounded vaguely appealing. Failing that, I tried to find something useful-sounding and not too intense. In the end I chose introduction to finance and introduction to business operations. I went back to get it checked and the guy was super apologetic that I couldn’t do what I wanted and I felt like a jerk – even if I’m disappointed, is there a need to be so obvious about it? It’s not his fault. I did that thing I do sometimes – where I channel my frustration with a wider situation into a tiny situation i.e. take it out on someone who doesn’t deserve it. I’m not good at containing my unhappiness at times.

→ That done, I still had to pick my engineering modules. After much going back and forth I accepted that I wasn’t going to be able to do exactly what I want, but had to do what was necessary in some cases and settled on advanced control systems design with project, advanced electrical machines, advanced power conversion, RF microelectronics with project. Those advanced in the titles are worrying. I thought that what I was doing this year was pretty advanced but it gets worse?! I’m also very worried about the projects as my practical and design skills aren’t my strong points, to put it politely. I know I need to suck it up and do it – because these projects will teach me valuable skills, but I’m still dreading it. I’m not looking forward to fourth year at all. These modules, and I’ve got to choose a dissertation and then I’ve got to do it, and I’ve got Japanese level 3 and I’m feeling very unsure about that, and job applications will most likely be starting right in September. There’s just nothing to look forward to.

→ My group gathered last Thursday to hand in our final thesis.The week leading up to the deadline was stressful as one of my group members decided he wasn’t happy with it at all, and he verbally tore it apart, and I got angry, and I felt bad. I’d put so much time and effort into it, that I did not take well to him telling me he was going to make so many changes, and at the last minute. I was also worried he was taking on too much at the last minute, and it would not get done on time. But I forced myself to soften up and trust him, and he pulled through. I can be terribly controlling when I get anxious about things and that is not good at all. He had some valid points and I should have been less defensive- he wasn’t criticizing me and I should not have taken it so personally. I feel really bad about it and I did try to apologize but I worry I was not sincere enough. Nonetheless, we did it. We developed it and got it all done. 1am the night before and I finished the last edits and sent it off to my group members. The next day I met up with my group members, and there it was – all printed out nicely in color. My group mate had bound it in a black folder. I felt a little proud seeing it; it looked so professional. I kept flicking through it, looking at the pages and pages of text in wonderment, did we really write all this? It was strange to finally submit it, after all the time that went into it. But it was such a relief to have it done with. Someone asked me if I enjoyed it and you know, despite the stress of it. I did. I liked that it wasn’t a practical project but a research oriented project, that it wasn’t highly technical but looked more at the political and socio-economic impact of engineering. I’m not good with programming and practical work and would have hated doing that kind of project. Of course, still got a presentation and individual interview on it to go. I am admittedly worried about the marks for this. We handed in a draft on the 1st and I thought we would get feedback for it but we didn’t, so we emailed our supervisor directly and he only got back to us the day before the final project was due – which meant that we could not really follow through.

→ I had my last counselling session about two weeks ago. I received a letter in the post the other day which was a copy of the letter my therapist sent to my doctor. I read it through twice and had to sit down a moment as it hit me that this is on my records. Its ugly. Today I got a letter from my doctor calling me in to see him for a little chat. I don’t want to go. Its not like I regret going to the doctor about this. I was scared and I was anxious and I needed someone to talk to and it was good to do so. But now I find myself wanting to withdraw from it. I made myself vulnerable in front of strangers, and I don’t feel entirely comfortable with that. Also now that everything is done with and has been put into perspective I do massively, more than ever feel that I’ve made a big deal out of nothing and am wasting peoples time. So I want to withdraw. Not from treating myself. No. I realise that is where I went wrong last time. I was so relieved to be out of counselling the first time, I felt so much better, that I completely ignored the aftercare. I decided to just act as if it hadn’t happened because I was better wasn’t I- but I wasn’t dealing with certain things, not really. so it built up, and left me in my current situation. I’m going to be more vigilant now. I’m going to accept that things aren’t OK, and probably they won’t ever be 100% but I am capable of managing it. I’ve just got to continue to take small steps forwards, and not let myself take too many steps back.

→ Today, for instance, was a good day. I woke up early, went to see a lecturer and was disappointed to find they weren’t there. I went to sit down at one of the university seating areas – getting myself a good spot on one of the soft couches they have there. I set myself up and did some work, meanwhile emailing the lecturer I wanted to go see- who kindly responded promptly to all my questions. I had a lecture, and I managed to ask a question. (Although I did stammer…sigh.) Then I went into town, settled down at Starbucks with a half price frappucino – made dairy free by the very lovely barristers who were perfectly fine about answering my queries about the dairy in their products even when busy. I did a bit more revision, killing time before going to get my brows waxed at Benefit. The girl who did my brows did a great job – and she did it quickly, without any unnecessary awkward small talk. Very efficient. Afterwards she put on sweet almond oil and some spot treatments – during the wax my skin ripped and started to bleed, which was embarrassing. My skin is in a bad way right now – it did not react well to experiencing winter again. Its super combination right now – painful and itchy its so dry in places, and terribly oily and spotty in others. I tried some boots botanics extra nourishing moisturiser that did nothing, my trusty laneige hydra cream, nothing, some super fancy expensive extra moisturising sooryehan products, a bit better but still not enough. I then bought some avene hydrating moisturiser on Saturday, which was too light, so today I went back and bought the richer version. What’s another £14 for a tiny tube. I’m aware I don’t have the money. I’m aware I’m falling into the no.1 skincare trap – skin freaks out, you freak out, start experimenting like crazy with products, make it worse. Well, we’ll see. At least my brows look awesome. I also painted my nails, and I recently bought a few items of new clothing. So much money, but it made me feel good, it makes me feel better to take care of myself and to put effort in to my appearance like this. Now I just need to suck it up and do the dreaded jeans shopping – once I stop trying to squeeze myself into my old pants, I think I’ll have an easier time accepting my new weight. (It is sadly just my hips and stomach that have expanded.)

→ First exam Saturday. Revision progresses slowly. I’m bored.

• Post Title: Kim Wilkins, The Resurrectionists