I’ve had a busy week thus far. I thought I had a test on Monday and an outing on Tuesday but was thankfully very wrong (and thankfully informed of my error). However I’ve still had a lot of maths work for the test next Monday (next Monday, self. remember these things for once). There is an exactly 50% chance of my passing/failing that test; I took the practice test 4 times and passed twice. I also had an assignment due in for this Friday which I found out about yesterday that I somehow managed to hand in today: it’s a little half asked but I tried! I mean I had to do a PowerPoint on a hobbie, so I did a fucking PowerPoint on baking. D: Those kinds of assignments are made for interesting people and people who are proud of their hobbies. I am not either. I am a private, very private, person with incredibly dull hobbies. I feel embarassed about the whole thing. And then for another part of the assignment I had to use Microsoft project for the first time in my life so idk if I did it right. I’m not sure I entirely care anymore. The library became my base these past few days- I go there and sit for hours. That’s the thing with Uni- it’s a lot of independent work and requires a lot of self motivation. Motivation? Whatever. I keep myself ‘motivated’ by packing a lot of snacks to munch on, because boredom makes me hungry and if I don’t have food my attention wanders. Anyway. I also have another assignment in next week and another assignment, group work, due for the end of the month (which I’m just not thinking about. Group work! Presenting in front of the class! ARGH). Despite all this I have spent this evening doing absolutely nothing. I have four days to do my assignment. Tonight I am doing nothing and doing it all without feeling guilty. Yeah, I’m a little stressed and a lot tired. I’m really worried about everything. I just want to relax and stop thinking about anything for a few hours. :/
Tag: foundation year
trains
➔ The weather seems to be struggling to become winter at the moment. On Monday I thought it would be cold, wrapped up warm and it turned out to be a mild day, bordering on sunny. On Tuesday I wear shorts and tights and don’t even think of bringing an umbrella. I’m cold all day and around midday it begins to chuck it down and I’m left soaking wet. Today I wrap up, bring my umbrella because gdi I am not being cold or wet. It’s sunny today and not a drop of rain and I become the idiot carrying an umbrella for no reason. :| But it is bitterly cold- the sort of cold that gets under your skin and settles there.
➔ I have to wake up on 6am on Wednesdays. When I wake up its dark and by the time I’m on the train its pretty much light but the horizon is still tinged with pink. Frost lies on all the fields and there is a slight mist above the small lake I pass. Britain is at its most beautiful in the early hours of the morning, observed from a warm place inside, I think. It’s beautiful but just looking at it reminds me I’m supposed to be in bed, I want to be in bed, at such a time. It’s a horrible day. I ended up buying some Green Tea because I was desperate for some caffeine but didn’t want to drink coke in the morning and I wasn’t feeling masochistic enough to try and drink coffee. Green tea does have caffiene…right?
➔ I’m becoming scarily adjusted to the train. I notice that I get the same guys pushing the service trolley, I notice I get the same people checking my tickets, I notice I get the same people working at the station, I notice people who I have seen on the platform/on the train before. I know which side I need to stand at when the train is approaching the station. I know which platform my train arrives and leaves. I know the best time to stand up so I’m first off the train and don’t have to get stuck behind people. I can stand on the train and not hold on to anything! I have my favourite place to sit, and when there I kick off my shoes and put my feet up, using my coat as a blanket, and read whilst listening to music. I steal glances at the cute Asian guy sitting a few rows along from me. I might do some work.
Train travel is rather mundane.
➔ I also have a lot of waiting around time which I generally spend people watching. Today it was watching all the business people huddling in their professional clothes and wondering what it must be like to commute to London every day, and if those people standing around waiting for a train to Glasgow did that long commute every day and how it could possibly be rewarding (5 hours to Glasgow!). There was nothing interesting or stand out. I do see bizarre and interesting things though- A guy walking into the ladies toilets (seen this twice wtf), a women struggling to get off the train in heels- literally gripping the door and leaning against it in an effort to get down- and then proceeding to totter away across the platform (amusing, why wear those shoes if you cannot walk in them?), a guy almost getting stuck on a train leaving behind his wife and child who had already gotten off (thankfully the staff noticed and they delayed the train a moment to let him off), a couple arguing and the girl moving to sit away from her boyfriend and refusing to even look at him (he gradually got her to talk to him but she did not look happy), a train spotter with his camera poised and ready to take a picture of our departing train (I wonder why. It seems like such a boring thing to do. And if you are going to take a picture of a train- why a northern rail train? If I’d have to look at a train as something pretty I’d say Virgin trains or London Midland are far more good looking.)
➔ I’m glad this week of uni is over. Now I don’t have to worry about what to wear as I can sit around in my hoodie, guys t-shirt and sweat pants and NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. I will not be cold or get wet or be struggling to stay awake during long lectures. I finished my coursework too so I don’t have much work to do.
I love this part of the week.
“The sky is very wide, the way is very long”
I’ve been going through old posts from 2009 and deleting them. I like to do this every now and then, for the purposes of not having cluttered archives going all the way back to whenever. Must say it’s so strange reading through these posts about me talking about thinking about university, going to open days, my grades and exams. I don’t think any amount of open days and research could have prepared me for how things have turned out. I hope that after this year my plans for the future will unfold the way that I want to. I’m scared, I admit. I wonder if in a year I’ll be looking back at these old entries with the same sense of idk- bitterness? I don’t know. I can almost see where I went wrong though- was I too lazy? But at the same time I’m not really sure where it went wrong. It’s not wrong anymore, of course. Things are working out. I guess what I’m feeling right now is that although I don’t mind taking the long road, I do want to end up where I originally planned. Lately I’m worrying about things. Last week I was completely down, both due to hormones and me worrying about things incessantly. I didn’t want to get out of bed or do anything. It was a pretty bad week. I was late to everything and I slept through my alarm and missed my train on wednesday- not even going to one of my lectures. I’ve since sorted myself out, I think. Or at least this week was a lot better than the last. I’m still afraid though. Because honestly? I’m quite comfortable right now, actually quite happy. And that is petrifying. I’m waiting for the moment it all falls apart. (It’s kind of sad; I don’t know what it’s like to live without some kind of fear and worry.)
But back to right now. University is going OK. I think I’m settling into the routine. I have no friends but it’s not like anyone is unfriendly and I’m only in 3 days a week. The commute is killing me in many ways- because it’s long and I have to get up so early some days and it tires me out. Also public transport can be shitty with unexpected delays and cancellations which do nothing for my mood. My schedule is light though and I have a lot of time to catch up on sleep! Next week I have a test on Monday which I hope I’ll do well in, as it’s all fairly basic maths which I should know, and my first piece of coursework due in one Friday.. Other things I’m doing right now are a lot of nothing/the usual wasting time on the internet crap and I have started to learn for my driver’s theory! Tonight coming home from shopping my dad pointed at all the signs and road markings and I was surprised how much I knew without actually learning. I do need to get hold of the right books and do research into test dates for that. I want to at least pass my theory test this year. Also I put an application in to work at a local pub. I don’t think I’ll get it but at least I tried. I want to at least try this year. Even if I end up embarrassing myself or even if things don’t work out, I want to at least try.
“I can’t live successfully yet but I think I can change”
You know how I said I wouldn’t ever go to anime club?
Well, I went.
I figured I should try it out and see how it went. You know, crawl out of my shell and stop avoiding life. I was also really worried about my maths work and wanted to get some studying done. Thus a plan was born- go into Liverpool, go to library and work for a bit, then go to the anime club. I could work on maths at home, but not really. Currently the program we use for maths can only be accessed on the university network. So I went in Thursday evening and did an hour and a half of work. I then headed across town, grabbed a quick bite to eat at Tesco (I am the person who queues for 10 minutes to pay for one 70p pastry) and then went to the anime meeting. It was very weird. I have been into anime/manga/everything for about 5 years but not once have I watched it with someone else. I went to watch Ponyo in the cinema…but I went alone. And I also watch my anime/whatever using headphones so it’s weird hearing it…without headphones. It was just very weird sitting in a room full of people watching anime. A room full of people who LIKE anime. A room full of people who talk about this kind of stuff, I presume, on a regular basis. I have never really talked about this stuff to anyone. It was also weird watching anime all the way through. I usually skip the opening/ending and I’ll pause every few minutes to go check my mail or do something else. I can never focus for long enough to watch something the whole way through!
They showed two episodes of two different series and there were breaks before and after. When I first got there I had to wait around as they set up and I talked to this one girl and it was very awkward. There were many of those long uncomfortable pauses as we pondered what to say to each other and failed to come up with anything. She asked me what I liked and I said I don’t watch much anime, more manga and then she asked me for favourite manga titles and I couldn’t, couldn’t tell her anything (really- idk what my favourites are and I know anything I could mention would be BL and no way am I admitting to reading that) so I fumbled over the question and probably came across as rude. It was awful. There was another break after the first showing of…something (dura dura I think? I couldn’t really see the screen. Some guys head totally obscured the subtitles so idk) and I just kind of sat alone and waited. Oh, awkwardness. I couldn’t bring myself to go talk to anyone. They were all already in groups of friends T_T The first anime shown was OK but the other one was some lame mecha. Oh man I had to sit through 30 mins of mecha. Ugh. I didn’t enjoy the experience and I also failed to make any friends. Won’t be going back/putting myself through that again.
It would have been nice after putting myself out there good things happen, but maybe I didn’t put enough effort in or maybe I just really suck at socialising and should just give up already. It’s too hard.
Also after the anime club I went to this pizza place for a very late supper (like 9:00pm by then) and it was empty apart from me and the guy making the pizza. The guy tried to strike up conversation with me and I just froze up. Only afterwards did I think of all the things that I should have asked and said. So typical of me. I felt quite pathetic after that little venture out, sitting all alone at the train station eating pizza and waiting for my train. I wanted to go home so badly. Although the train was nice and quiet and I could just chill out and read which was rather nice. I actually quite like the commute. I get a alot of reading done and I can go over lecture notes if I so wish.
Other than having no friends university is going OK. I am in on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. At the moment the work is relatively easy though I find my labs difficult already. Well not difficult, just confusing? Basically I suck at practical work. I didn’t manage to complete my first set of lab work, which is worrying as I’d guess it is the easiest one D: It was so difficult to concentrate in that lab session as it was like 2 hours? My first lecture was also difficult to concentrate in as it was about 1.5 hours long. I also admit to having to think way too much about the basic maths and science stuff I’m being taught atm and have come to the conclusion that GCSE and A levels has taught me NOTHING. Then again I have always sucked at basic maths. I had to slave to get through my C1 paper- which is the A level non-calculator paper. I was worried about lagging behind maths but I got through quite a few modules last week from ventures to the library. Next week I will also be good and I will go to the library mon/tues/wed after lectures/labs so I won’t have to go in on Thursday like this week and thus also have a valid excuse to avoid anime club (I’m not in the city! :D) I figure even if the maths is quite basic now I should take this opportunity to get into good habits so when it does get hard I’ll be prepared.
Also I think I have gotten used to Liverpool itself. Not enough that I know any shortcuts (I have a feeling I am taking the long way round for everything at the moment) but I know where everything I need to know is at least. I am currently spending a little too much money, which worries me. I spend about £3 or more on food a day. And I like to spend the commute time reading, so I’m spending a ridiculous amount on books too. Thankfully I haven’t gone shopping again, because armed with as much money as I have now (student loan!) I will have no willpower to stop myself from splurging. Mainly though PLEASE STOP ME FROM SPENDING ALL MY MONEY ON FOOD. It’s getting ridiculous.
Long Way
Updates for the past few days in bullet form because I am not feeling 100% and thus feeling incredibly lazy (more so than usual):
- I had my last day of induction week on Thursday. I had to work as part of a group for part of the day and it was embarrassing. I was so nervous and I ended up rambling and saying things I should have really thought more about before I said them. I desperately willed myself to shut up but couldn’t. I always get this way. Seriously I told my sister this and she agreed I do this. Oh it was bad. I still haven’t made any friends and I don’t think I made a good impression on my group :x
- I checked out the student union and didn’t see any clubs or societies that appealed, not really, and they are all in the evenings anyway so it’s not like I could go to any meetings (I’m in Liverpool in the mornings and sometimes afternoon). I somehow still ended up signing up for the anime club. fml. I don’t even like anime, or games. I sort of like Manga, but I mainly read BL these days and even then not often. I am really not an anime fan. I watch anime occasionally and it’s usually BL, or shoujo with hints of BL and anything with bishounen (pretty boys) in it. I have incredibly bad taste- there is no way I want to admit that I watch what I watch! But I had made this guy explain all about the club and he was looking at me so expectantly I couldn’t help but put my name down. I’m not going to any of the meetings. I’m not!
- Also on that Thursday I had a massive 3 and a half hour break between things. Though I had a plan this time! I got lunch and then went to the Liverpool museum. It was really nice! Really small, because I have been spoiled by the Natural History museums in London and Manchester. But it was cool! They had some really nice displays. They also had a mini aquarium! I love aquariums. This one was tiny, but still I loved it. It also made me think back to going to the Nagoya Port Aquarium in Japan- which was possibly the coolest aquarium I’ve ever been too. Indeed, no other aquarium will compare. The display windows at Nagoya were so big, that the tiny ones in Liverpool really seemed so tiny in comparison :x But I still love Aquariums and it was really quiet, so much more so than Nagoya was, so I could take my time and have a really good look. It was similar level of quiet in all sections actually which was great. Oh and they had a bug section. I hate insects so I went into that section as a challenge to myself. I forced myself to stare at a tarantula for a good minute before I couldn’t take it anymore. Bugs and spiders freak me out :| They had stick insects though- which of course you had to search for XD I remember in South Africa once we found a Stick insect in our garden. They are really cool creatures. Anyway- it was a nice visit and a good way to kill some time. I do wonder what it says about my personality that I would rather go round a museum by myself than be around people but nvm. I did force myself to go to the student union after that and after that I went for a walk. I hope by the time I have my next too-long break I’d have some work to do or something. Though there are a few more museums and tourist attractions for me to check out XD
- Met up with my best friend on Friday. Went shopping together! It was so nice to see her again, and to talk to someone other than my family XD I was terribly spacey that day due to my cold but it was still fun. She gave me my birthday present. I admit it’s quite nice to get a present now, months after my birthday. It’s nice to open up presents seemingly randomly. She got me the sweetest gifts: a motivational collage she made herself and some natural handmade soap she bought me from Italy. I am allergic to most soaps and stuff- but she knew this, and she thought of this because I can use it if it’s natural :D I was so happy. I almost feel worried that my present for her 19th won’t compare, but then it’s her 19th birthday. I’ll stress out about her 21st. Oh and I bought a couple of cheap items from Primark and a facial mask from Lush. That facial mask cost me almost £5 which killed me, until I used it and remembered just how good it was (I’ve used it before). I want my skin to clear up, even though I seemed doomed to forever have ugly skin T__T
- We got a cat! My mom’s friend is moving into a temporary residence so she can’t keep her cat, and this we are looking after her cat for a few months! It is a black kitty with a fat body and short legs and it’s really fluffy XD She’s the cutest thing ever. I have missed our old cat these past years, and having a pet again is so wonderful. Though this cat is so clingy! She follows me around sometimes and it annoys me a little. But she isn’t vicious at all, so I can’t hate her. She’s really loving, and she loves to purr, and she is very playful. Really she is so lovely. I’m happy we have her, I think.
And that is it. I start university properly tomorrow which I’m not looking forward to for two reasons- a) I have a cold and don’t feel well and b) I start labs tomorrow. I suck at practical work. I don’t want to embarrass myself in front of my group any more than I probably already did on Thursday :| It’s going to be a long day tomorrow…