foundation year – Page 2

Liar

Remember that social thing I really didn’t want to go to? Well, I got out of it. How? I lied. The guy asked me if I was still going and the words came easily. “Sorry, something came up.” Of course he had to ask why. Again, the lie slipped off my tongue just like I’d rehearsed in my head many times “I’m seeing my sister.” I had hoped I wouldn’t have to provide an excuse, that “I’m busy” would do. Alas, I had to provide some reason. Immediately I felt relieved, knowing I didn’t have to go, but also guilty and panicked. I don’t like lying. Sometimes, you have to lie. Sometimes- like this time- I wonder if it would have been best if I’d been honest. But then I may have hurt his feelings or pissed him off. I don’t want to do that. Thankfully come Monday, and even now no one has further questioned anything. Good. Though I felt quite guilty and still do. I wonder too what would have happened if I went, although I know it made no difference that I was not there. I don’t have any friends in my class. I am still struggling with this whole being surrounded by strangers thing, even well into Semester 2 of university where I generally get on with the people in my class (though, still don’t really know the names of some of the people I talk to daily. Also awkward situation today- a guy sat down next to me in the library and said hello and I managed to mutter a hello back, but I have no idea who he was even if I think he is in my class? Thankfully he didn’t make further conversation. I’m not sure I could handle talking to someone when I don’t know who they are. D:) I feel nervous every day, trying to keep up when they talk to me and trying to think of the right thing to say, the best thing to say. Its not like they are horrible, I am just awkward. I don’t mind, although it makes me miss my sister and my best friend aka the people I can relax around. Also- the guys in my class talk about football. A lot. All the time. Constantly. Is this a guy thing or just because I go to university in Liverpool?

In other news I am still doing that no-poo thing. I can’t believe its only been two weeks since I stopped this shampoo thing. Sometimes I think about how great it would be to use shampoo, and other times I am all excited about this all over again. My hair is a mess, to put it bluntly. When I brush it there is this weird whitish scum that coats the brush. I think that it grease, though I don’t want to think about it too hard. It is that gross. Tomorrow I wash it, and it should be fine for a couple of days before it begins to to get greasier…and greasier…until it becomes as gross as it is now. Though it never really becomes clean even when I wash it, not like shampoo made it. My hair feels thick and heavy all the time. My fringe especially is a problem, though I thankfully have the time on Monday to give my fringe a quick rinse even if I don’t have the time to properly wash my hair in the mornings (note: I wash my hair Wednesday and Saturday mornings usually). The boar bristle brush helps, but nothing too amazing. I find as long as I keep my fringe clean and tie my hair back I can just about get away with it. In just a week I use shampoo, then I go another month with WO. I am still using my Nuance Airy Hair mask on the ends of my hair every time I wash it (I love that stuff too much). I am still experimenting with essential oils. I tried chamomile tea+lavender oil+ylang ylang on Saturday and liked it. I think this week I am just sticking to WO followed by conditioning my ends.

Lastly- Super Junior M’s new song? Completely awesome. And the fact they have a song composed by Jay Chou on their mini album also helps to make me quite excited for its release.

Listening To: Super Junior M - Perfection
mood: tired

“Dont hesitate, take your first step forward”

What do you know, it’s already the 9th of January of 2011.

Nothing feels different you know.

I had my first and only exam on the 6th of January. It crept up on me a little too quickly. It was somewhat strange waking up at 6am again and trudging through the dark, quiet streets at 7am to get to the train station, sitting on the train again, being in Liverpool again. Then there was the exam. The good? Was the atmosphere. University exams are different from A levels. At A levels you’d have to put your bag in a different room, hand in your phone, find where you’re sitting. Then when you’re finally sitting down you’d end up sitting there for a good 10/20 minutes as the papers are handed out and then listening to the examiners as they went through all the rules and what you had to do, as well as listen to the rules of all the other exams. Meanwhile you’re just sitting there getting more and more nervous wanting the exam to just start already. They don’t baby you like that at University. The papers are put out before hand. You go in, put your bag down at the front, turn your phone off (and you can keep it on you) and you sit wherever you want. You fill out a little form with your details, put your student ID on the desk, fill out the front of the paper. Once everyone is there and settled the exam just starts. Its much more efficient and involved a lot less waiting around getting nervous (the only wait was before the exam cos I got there at 9am when the exam started at 9:30am). The exam itself wasn’t great; the questions were strange. And I got really bored about half way through cos I was already 97% finished which left me with an hour to check, recheck, stare round at other people, recheck, stare at the law posters on the walls, recheck, watch my lecturers as they paced through the rows and passed by me, recheck. It was awfully dull, and I was exhausted due to the fact I couldn’t sleep the night before and I had to wake up so early, leaving me surviving on two hours of sleep and some cereal.

In short I probably did badly but I was too tired to really care.

Afterwards I went shopping, wanting to get some bargains in the jan sales. It started out fun and got terribly boring. I don’t find shopping fun. Sure, I love that feeling when you find that perfect item for the perfect price but its such a chore to find it. I hate searching for items, finding something but its not the right price or the right size or it looks really terrible. Not to mention I was jeans shopping which meant lugging 10 pairs of jeans (really just 3 different styles in a variety of colors) into the changing rooms, cutting it down to 3 for further consideration, gathering all my stuff and going out the changing room, getting more styles and colors and sizes, rinse and repeat. It was annoying and tedious. After two hours I ended up with one pair of jeans and a top. Not successful as I would have liked but not bad.

The past few days have been spent trying to ignore the fact that I go back to university on Monday and that I have two pieces of coursework in for Friday I have yet to complete.

I’m not really looking forward to starting university again tomorrow.

Listening To: KRA - artman
mood: bored

procrastination

I was cleaning the kitchen earlier when it hit me- just how much I’m one of those people who will do everything in her power to put something off to the last minute. The only reason I was cleaning the kitchen was because it had gotten to the point where there was no workspace left and I was drinking juice out of mugs because all the cups were dirty. Its the same with other chores. I’ll only clean my room when there isn’t a clear pathway from the door to my computer (aka you cannot walk from end to the other), I’ll only sort out my clothes if I can’t find that one top I know I have but yet cannot see anywhere, I’m only contemplating cleaning the bathroom because there is some weird green stuff by the tap and it looks kind of gross. I am not unclean but I am far from clean. I will do the chores, but I will put them off as much as I possibly can. I don’t just do them for the sake of it, I wait until the mess cannot physically be ignored. If that makes me a little gross and horrible to live with then fine but its not like nothing gets done. it all gets done eventually.

Eventually. I am quite incredibly lazy. And an expert in the art of procrastination.

I am like this in other aspects. I finished my violin lessons earlier this year around September and I promised to keep in touch with my music teacher. I felt a bit nervous about what to say in the email and I got a bit worked up about it so I put it off and thus I have only just emailed her- in December. That’s what- nearly 3 months? :| I was learning to drive this year, just my theory nothing more, but I grew to dislike it so I took a night off and now it’s been about a month and I haven’t touched it again and most likely I’ve forgotten the little I did learn. When it comes to uni work I procrastinate and put it off until oh shit the deadline is only a week away and then I panic a little and rush to do what I need to do. I am not entirely sure this is the right approach to take- especially when it comes to revision. The worst thing that comes from not cleaning the kitchen is having to drink juice out a mug instead of a cup, but bad things happen when you put off university work. Things like failure. I have an exam in January. Somehow all I can think is ehh, it’s January. it’s ages away.

My attitude to exams and revision is terrible, even after all this time.

So note to self: DO YOUR DAMN WORK. January is not that far away. Just look at how quickly December came and is currently going.

Listening To: KARA- Jumping [REX R. Remix]
mood: lazy

average

Today I was in the library with my group. We have this presentation to work on so our class has been split into smaller groups. I am in a group with the single other girl in my class, and 3 other boys. So we were sitting in the library and suddenly this guy goes to me “so 90.” and I don’t get it at first but soon I realise they were talking about a piece of coursework we’d had to do recently. I had gotten a 91/100. Pretty good and yes I did feel proud, and relieved because I had been expecting to fuck it up. My tutor had even praised me about it. I felt good about it. Until today.

Turns out the boys know my mark. This is where I get flustered and embarrassed. They tease me calling me “genius.” and teasing me that I should do their work for them. We joke around- I say yes I’ll do their work on their presentation if they pay me (jokingly) and they agree (jokingly). They all seem a bit shocked at my mark and I don’t get it, not really, but OK, fine I’ll go along with their teasing because the aren’t being sinister. Inside though it was everything I didn’t want to hear. Fine, be impressed but please don’t treat me like I’m some kind of genius. I’m no better than you guys. I’ve spent years watching my friends get A’s, listening them to complain about getting a B in a test whilst sitting there with my U. Feeling proud of myself when I go from a U to a E to then see them gushing about how they got an A and feeling like a failure. They were clever. They could procrastinate and still get bloody A’s. I’ll never be that person. I am not clever. I failed my A levels and to get into university (at first.) I failed my music exams, one music exam I failed twice. Do not call me a genius because it hurts, even if you’re just teasing me. It reminds me of everything I am not and never will be and everything I want to be. I struggle, I don’t get things at first, I make stupid mistakes, I need to read the guidelines/question over and over before I know what I need to do. I don’t know how to study effectively, even after years of schooling nor do I know how to revise effectively for exams. I make mistakes, I repeat mistakes and maybe I will then succeed, maybe then I won’t. I’m terrible at exams, at remembering information and repeating it. I am not clever. Hell I’m not even that much of a hard worker.

I am going to start to really struggle next semester when things get tougher, hell I’m struggling right now with the technical reports we’ve got to do. And I am trying not to think about how difficult first year engineering will eventually be.

I’m never going to be intelligent and I’m still dealing with that. So don’t even tease me about this one fluke of a good coursework. Believe me when the exam results come out, and the marks for the lab reports come out you’ll see exactly how pathetically average I am.

Listening To: ZARD- Good-bye my Loneliness
mood: tired

“I just lay there listening to the blood rush through me and it never made any sense, anything”

It’s been a while since I wrote a very long entry. I have tried to write smaller entries but for today I am going to have a good end of the academic week (for me) ramble because this week has been exhausting. I’m going through stages of lack of sleep hyperness and crashing to moody and lethargic. Currently somewhere in the middle but feeling very much like rambling.

On Monday being awesome: Monday was pretty awesome. I had a maths test I had been worrying about for a long while and then labs catch-up session and labs always unnerve me because I suck at them. However I took my time with my test, made sure to read the questions carefully, check it all and redo every sum without looking at my previous working and somehow magically passed. Then in the afternoon I discovered that I’d finished all my labs so I didn’t have to go to the catch up session. I was free! I just went home.
On Tuesday and how ice cream makes everything better: On Tuesday I went with my group on a trip to a hydroelectric plant in North Wales. I had to wake up at 5:30am. It was pitch dark when I awoke and I watched the sun rise from the train which although very gorgeous and dramatic was pretty horrendous. All I could think was that I was supposed to be asleep. I don’t care if there are people worldwide who get up at 5:30am daily. I am not a morning person.The only up side was that I got to take a nice direct Virgin train to Liverpool. Then from Liverpool it was a two hour long coach ride. The power plant was kind of cool. We had to wear hair nets and hard hats which was kind of dorky. We had a tour round the place followed by some free time to eat lunch. I sat with the only other girl in my group and this guy who I’ve spoken to quite a few times but still don’t know the name of. I somehow managed to keep up in a conversation about TV which I think is a feat seeing so I don’t actually watch any TV. The guy was definitely leading the conversation cos when he left me and the girl were left in terribly awkward silence. The lunch break was way too long. The coach ride back was hellish and uncomfortable, if not very scenic as I was sitting on the side facing the sea. Then I still had to take the train home. I was tired and hungry and nagged my father for Take Away pizza which he promised to give me, except he decided we’d go buy pizza at the supermarket instead. I would be mad but he bought me Ben and jerry’s so I was cool. My friends Season 1 DVD had come in the post so I basically spent the majority of wednesday late afternoon/evening watching it, and later watching whilst eating ice cream. Doesn’t get better than that- does it?
On Wednesday and my inability to save money: Today I am just a zombie from yesterday and I had to get up at 6am which was so hard. I managed to drag myself out of bed with the thought that tomorrow I can have a lie-in. Today was a miserable day- wet and windy and cold. Thankfully no ice. My train was delayed, of course, so I was late for lecture. I think I’ve only once been on time for my Wednesday morning lecture. Once I slept in and missed my lecture, all the other times it is from my train being delayed. It’s a little pathetic. I could have gone home straight after my lecture but I went to Primark and bought a new bag. My current bag has been annoying me for a while but I was good and I decided that I shouldn’t buy one just cos it was a little annoying but no…my old bag is a lot annoying. so I decided just to fork out the money. I mean it was only £6 and it’s a very large, sturdy, waterproof bag. It’s perfect and I’m relieved to be free of my old one. I buy so much stuff lately though. I am terrible with money. I can refrain from large purchases but I think “oh! That’s just £3! Why not?” so all my little purchases add up. I’ve bought books, beauty products, clothes, bags. I spend way too much money each month on all these things. The thing I had trouble with spending all my money on, food, is no longer a problem though. I’ve been pretty good about taking sandwiches. I buy those pre-made sandwich fillers at the supermarket and some cake or biscuits. Not really healthy but tasty and saves me money! :D
On not knowing people’s names: When I got home today I received a text from somebody but I have no idea who. However I do know that I am supposed to be working on a presentation on our Tuesday trip with four others and I have 3 of those peoples numbers so I assume due to the context of the message that it’s the 4th person. Who knows.
Talking to people without knowing their names seems to be becoming some kind of trend here doesn’t it? I admit I don’t know many of the guys names in my group. I’m pretty bad with remembering things and I do get stuck with names. I know the girls names but that’s cos me and her are the only girls in our group. It’s pretty easy and likewise the guys seem to remember our names. It’s a different matter when it comes to the guys cos there are lots of them. Engineering is a very male dominated subject. You are told this right from the beginning; you tell someone you’re doing engineering and they’ll most likely grin and say “you’ll have an advantage being a girl!”. However there is still a part of you that thinks it can’t be that bad. Then you start university and you realise it really is as rumoured. I’m part of two girls in my group, and in my whole course there are probably about 10 girls. It’s a bit strange although I guess I was expecting it and it’s not like it’s something I haven’t encountered before- at school I was part of the only 3 girls doing physics in our entire year. I am just thankful the girl in my group seems to like me and I am working on my presentation with her. Also thankful that none of the guys in my group have shown themselves to be sexist pigs. They are generally nice. I guess I better get used to male company cos really- that’s going to be my life from now on isn’t it? I do sort of miss my friends at the moment. On one hand it was tiring being around a lot of them, because our friendship was so superficial but at the same time it was comfortable and safe. We could have conversations, as long as we picked the right subject. I do miss my best friend lots. It would be nice just to sit down with someone I know and just talk for ages. We do email each other which is nice. : )
On procrastinating: Now I’m at the point of the week that I like- 4 days of freedom. I still have things to do. University assignments mainly. I did have great plans to learn to drive and learn Japanese at one point this year but it’s fallen through. Which isn’t surprising, really. I’m the sort of person who gets these great ideas in her head, tells anyone who will listen in the hope that the fact she told someone will motivate herself, then after a week or two of HELL YEAH TOTALLY DOING THIS just kind of gets de-motivated. Thankfully this is only happening with my driving and Japanese and I’m sort of managing to keep on top with university. Although admittedly my university load is pretty light. My friend is in her first year doing the course I want to and it sounds like hell. I am trying to put everything into perspective by focusing on that XD

So there. That is my life in ~1000 words.

Listening To: Boa - Hurricane Venus
mood: hyper

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