first year – Page 3 – Honest Lies

Greed

I am back in halls. My dad drove my down on Sunday. I attempted to pack less stuff, but I think I only succeeded in packing all of it better. The car was still very full. :/ We arrived in the late afternoon and then I had to unpack everything and make my room livable again whilst my dad set up my computer for me. The afternoon passed by quickly and it was soon, too soon, that my dad had to leave. It was kind of sad saying good bye to my dad, realizing I was all alone here again. I didn’t have time to dwell though, as I had revision to do for my exam on Monday. I alternated between revising and organizing/unpacking and ended up going to bed pretty late. I woke up early on Monday, exhausted, stressed, nervous, and spent the morning revising, slowly becoming more and more nervous as it sank in that today was when my exams started.

I walked down to the sports center later for my exam and there were just people everywhere. I have never been to such a large exam in my life. We had to queue in order to enter the exam hall, shuffling along slowly, waiting for our turn to go find our seats. The hall was huge, separated into two halves, then different blocks, and it was more than a little confusing and overwhelming. I found out what my block and seat number were, but the seats weren’t numbered and so I had to ask two separate moderators, the second one thankfully showed me to my seat. I am not sure how i was supposed to find it otherwise. The exam began quickly. there may have been instructions, but I did not hear them. The place was too large, and there were too many people. I was still struggling to fill my cover sheet in (I did not manage to fill my cover sheet in until after the exam, where i was so rushed I filled it out all wrong most likely). I had gotten to the exam on time but I had been one of the last to enter due to the fact i was at the end of the queue. It was a bad, rushed, confusing start to a terrible exam. The exam paper was horrendous. Completely sneaky, and I am sure I made several little mistakes that fucked everything up. As the exam went on I became filled with a sense of hopelessness, and disappointment. This was maths. I had actually worked for this exam, maybe prioritizing it over other subjects. And still I couldn’t do it. I came out the exam more than a little unhappy, and ate half a chocolate reindeer that my sister had bought me on Saturday. (It now sits headless on my desk, although by today half its body is gone too). I then forced myself to revise some more, for my exam on Thursday and for programming today.

Well, I thought it was today.

I got up early, still feeling exhausted and ill and totally not used to this kind of routine, so I could go through the past papers one last time for the exam, which only started at 10.45am. I left a little late and had to rush to get there only to find there was no one there. I began to panic as time ticked by and no one was there. I eventually managed to find someone to ask and he looked at me strangely and told me “there are no exams being held today. there is one tomorrow, and on Thursday” and my panic turned to embarrassment. Well, that was obvious. Of course there was no one there when there was no exam. I honestly wished the ground would swallow me whole. I rushed out the building, sat down on a nearby bench and texted my best friend, just for someone to tell it to, just so someone could tell me its OK, it happens. I felt ridiculous and frustrated with myself. I then went to buy a smoothie and found a computer so I could sit down and check my exam timetable, and indeed, it is there in bold letters- 18th of January. I even checked that timetable this very morning. Isn’t it funny how we convince ourselves of things? I was so convinced it was today that I just brushed past the date of the exam, focusing on the seat number and other things. I realized as I walking slowly back to halls, and later my friend also reminded me- that it could have been worse. I could have thought it was Wednesday when it was Tuesday. It could have been like last year- when i realized at 1am on the day of the exam that I had an exam that very day. At least this time I thought it was a day before, not a day after. Oh, but I am so bad with remembering my exams. It makes me feel pathetic and i get frustrated with myself. I am nearly 20 and I can’t even manage myself you know?

But I forced myself to stay positive and let today became what Wednesday would have been- i came back to my room , gathered my things and went to Tesco. Then I came back and well I should have revised but instead I watched Boku to Star no 99 Nichi and then fucked around on the internet and now its 7:00pm and I still haven’t done any revision. It’s somewhat worrying. I find myself losing motivation, becoming tired. I admit I kind of wished my exam was today. I had prepared myself for it being today and it kind of threw me out that it wasn’t. Like, I wasn’t prepared for the exam, but I was ready just to get it over and done with. Now everything is out of sync, and all my plans have been messed up. I even skipped my Japanese lesson on Monday so I could cram for the exam I thought I had today. I feel like such a idiot, really.I hope tomorrow things go well- that i get to my exam on time, and that the paper is nice and that i can do it. I’m really stressed and nervous right now. My face is all broken out, and I’ve lost my appetite in favour of snacking on junk and I can’t fall asleep at night and I’m tired as anything and I’ve still got four more exams to go. I hate exams :(

Listening To: Kiyoharu - 孤独を愛せる人
mood: stressed

Stress

It’s past 1am and I am wide awake. My sleep schedule is currently set to staying up until the small hours and sleeping until midday. I am going to suffer when I go back to university. I go back this Sunday and my exams start on Monday. That is two days until my exams start? Just about. How nerve wracking is that?

So Exams: I have Mathematics on Monday, and I can’t do it at all without consulting my notes, textbooks and finally the answers. Then I have Computer Engineering on Tuesday, which is all C programming, and I can’t C program. I can just about do half the paper ~~by copying from~~ with help from my notes but other than that…no. Following that I have Communications Engineering on Thursday which I also just can’t do. I’m trying to learn it by memorizing the past paper answers seeing so the past papers never vary, which would be a grand plan if I had a good memory. I don’t have a good memory. Then on Saturday, bright and early at 9am, I have Circuits and Fields which I struggle with, and it takes me 1 million years to do any single question (and I only have 2 hours). Plus the exam paper is being written by a new person which means it may be completely different from the past papers. Then I have a break for 6 days (yay!) before my Electronic Engineering exam. 5 exams, each two hours long.

I had great ambitions to do really well on these exams, so I could reap the opportunities that would bring, but right now I’m just hoping, desperately, that I can scrape a pass. THAT’S ALL I WANT. But even that seems like something I may not achieve. It’s terrifying to think about what will happen if I don’t manage it. I really don’t want to be dealing with re sits :/

Besides that I have two course works to hand in by Tuesday (one I have thankfully completed, the other I have only half done), and I am starting Japanese Level 1 Part 2 on Monday, and I have not done any Japanese revision over the holidays. And I need to complete a log book for the Part 1 classes by Monday, and I’ve not completed that. I think I am also taking an assessment for Part 1 sometime? Yeah, we’ll see how badly that goes (I recall my Italian GCSE exam where I ended up panicking because I didn’t know anything and ended up blurting out nonsense like “I’d like a trout and cheese sandwich” :|) And I have to pack and organize all my stuff for moving back into halls on Sunday, and I know I’ll end up forgetting something.

Needless to say I’m a little stressed out right now. So much to do, and so much to remember. :/

Listening To: Namie Amuro- COPY THAT
mood: Wide Awake

But a part of me sometimes wants

In the last entry I was packing up and about to leave halls. Let me continue from there.

Packing up took ages. My dad came fairly late, and we ended up only finishing up and leaving at about half ten, eleven-ish. The car was pretty full, but this meant I got to have a duvet on my lap for the entire journey back which wasn’t so bad (read: gloriously warm). We stopped at McDonalds on the way back and I was all :D :D :D whilst my dad was clearly just trying to stay awake. It was surreal coming back home- a little bit because I had gotten kind of used to uni, but mostly for the silly reason that it had been snowing at home whilst at uni there had been no snow. At first there was just a light dusting but arriving home there was a thick layer of snow on the ground. It was unexpected :o Unpacking took a much shorter time and I was soon curled up in my own bed. The next day involved lots of organising and lots of washing, and then soon it became the usual of sitting around wasting time. I was home.

And time has just flown past since then. I can’t believe I’m now on the last few weeks of my Christmas break. I have spent the last few weeks sleeping until ridiculous hours, taking forever to get ready for the day just because I can, attempting to revise but mostly failing at it and lazing about taking advantage of having unlimited internet to watch lots of dramas. It’s been wonderful being able to sleep in every morning, to have a long hot mould-free shower, to eat whatever I want and when I want it, to have my cat around me. Of course my room is in chaos right now, with boxes and bags everywhere waiting to be packed up again, but that’s to be expected. I don’t go out much, so I can leave most of it packed.

Christmas itself was fairly quiet and uneventful. My sister invited two of her Chinese friends to spend Christmas with our family. They were polite and kind and it was a lot less awkward than I had feared it would be. It’s actually very interesting to be around people from such a vastly different culture than yourself. For Christmas I got some awesome presents, ate a lot of awesome food, played monopoly with my sister and her friends and lost miserably… all fairly ordinary and nice.

New years was not as nice as Christmas. It wasn’t bad, but it was awkward and exhausting and I wish I’d spent it at home with my parents and my cat and the internet. I actually spent new years with my old school friends and I was dreading it from the moment I agreed to go, and I can’t say it defied my expectations. Most of said friends I’ve only once or twice since we left school, if that. And we don’t have much in common and they are all so much more mature than me. They’re all second years, with houses, with busy lives and normal hobbies that are not watching Asian dramas or fangirling over fucking Korean boy bands with too many members. It wasn’t so bad, but I felt awkward and out of place. No, I’ve always felt awkward and out of place around them, and its only gotten worse. I was ready to leave by about midnight but ended up only getting home around 2am because I had to wait for my one friend to be able to take me back. :/ I am fairly sure I said some things I shouldn’t, and did some things I shouldn’t, because I always do.

I can’t say I feel particularly excited about the New Year either, which probably contributed to my melancholy at the New Year ‘s party. All the new year really means is that I now have exams in just two weeks. That I have to go back to university in two weeks and deal with all that stress again. I’ve enjoyed the past few weeks, but I think these next two weeks aren’t going to be nearly as relaxing. Now comes the part where every day exams creep closer, and every day is filled with anxiety about said exams. Here comes the regret for not being productive enough, for wasting time. I have been trying to revise but I honestly don’t feel like I’m really taking anything in. Which is maybe worse. Because I’m trying here, but still I’m not sure I’ll ever get to the level I need to be to achieve the things I want. I want to get good grades, but I just…I just don’t think I can do it. I honestly don’t think I am capable of getting the marks I want and I fear these exams will turn out my A levels, and that is not a good thing.

It’s heart-breaking to grow to want something, want it so much, when you’ll probably never get it.

I should end this entry on a more positive note, shouldn’t I? A belated merry Christmas, and happy new years to anyone who reads this blog. May the next year be awesome for you :D

Listening To: Daesung- Lunatic
mood: ill

room Tonight my Dad comes to pick me up as I am going home for the holidays. Living in university accommodation means I have to pack up all my stuff and move it out of my room for the holidays, even though I will be moving back into the exact same room next year. FUN. The picture shows my room after some cleaning/de-cluttering, but before I started to pack. My room may look messy there but believe me, it got worse. My room is in chaos right now. As I sit here behind me are boxes of my belongings scattered about. I have so much stuff to take back: my clothes, my two drawers, my chair, my computer, as well as a load of other things. Getting all this in the car could be interesting! The car was jammed packed when I moved here and I now have even more stuff so I suspect my dad may have to leave me behind to get the train home XD

I am just about ready to go home tbh. Even though I know that the holidays leading up to exam period are a hard part of being in education- having to motivate yourself to study, instead of having a set timetable to drag yourself out of bed for- I look forward to the comforts of home. University accommodation leaves a lot to be desired (oh the mould, mould everywhere!), and I”ll also be glad to be free of lectures and labs for a while. I really do have a tonne to work through for my 5 exams though (6, if you count my Japanese Exam). And I am still struggling with my degree. I do try and study, but even as I start to understand it I still don’t think I am at the level where I will get the grades I want on my exams and I worry that I never will be. I am scared of my exams turning out like the mess that was my A levels.

Right now I am a little stressed, a lot tired, and I want to be these things at home. I wish my dad would come get me already. I”ve had to watch other peoples parents come get them/other people go home since yesterday. Have been very jealous as I only finished uni at 3pm today! Oh, I am so ready to get out of here. Have been since Monday. Back to packing I go!

Goodbye Days

I thought I would keep track of my university life here but umm…that didn’t quite work out did it? These past couple of weeks have gone by in a blur.

I’m utterly exhausted at the moment. Partly from early start every day, and the long walk across campus every day (the campus that is pretty but hilly. And I always seem to be going uphill ¬_¬) A larger part because I got woken up the other night by the fire alarm going off. At 1.49am. At first I sat up, decided I was dreaming and curled up back in bed but eventually I dragged myself out, only just remembering to grab my sweater and lock my door. What followed was over an hour stood outside, half asleep, and bored, without a watch or my phone to keep track of time, and no idea what’s going on. I met up with my neighbour and we had random conversation, comparing all the things that didn’t work in our rooms (no hot water and terrible internet seems to be common). Of course the fire was in my block so by the time we were let in, my block had further wait for the smoke to filter out. Got back to bed at 3:48am. Had to wake up at 7am the next day. It was hell. Although thankfully no damage, of course. Living in halls is quite…interesting? There are certain things I hate about it, and the food is so-so to do-I-have-to-eat-this but my room is comfortable and it gets cleaned for me and the bathroom is decent (usable) and also gets cleaned for me and I get £5.10 a day to spend at any university food outlet at lunch so I think its ok. The internet sucks though: my dad is helping me buy a 3G dongle. It is that bad. Some days I can’t connect at all. And yes, it’s sad I can’t browse the web but I’m also thinking that this wouldn’t be good when I do actually have coursework to do- you know?

I don’t have any coursework right now, though slowly the work is piling up. I have completely forgotten everything from my foundation year too, which is horrible. I have a big list of things-I-need-to-go-over already and no motivation to actually do that. Can’t believe I’m already being so lazy D: Did I mention I was tired though? That’s not a good excuse is it? My schedule is not really that packed, but I have a 9am start everyday. Monday’s are the worst- with lectures from 9:00am-13:00pm and then 14:00pm-16:00pm and then Japanese class from 18:30pm-20:30pm. I like my degree, and my university, but I have some bad lecturers and well, two hours on maths is just not fun. You go into Engineering knowing its going to be hard, but its only once you’re doing it that it hits you just how difficult it is. And this is only first year. My friend is in 2nd year of the same course and her schedule is just…I don’t know how she does it. Anyway, I think so far maths is the worst, followed closely by labs, and then programming. I am still amazed I am actually learning programming. It’s interesting but so hard and I keep making stupid mistakes. Today I commented out all my code, didn’t realise and asked one of the PhD students for help- “it won’t work”. The look he gave me…it was so embarrassing.

Apart from university things I did manage to join a few clubs/societies. Freshers fair was the most petrifying thing ever, but I got free pizza, and I stumbled upon a club I didn’t think of joining before. Which would be archery. Yeah, I do archery every Wednesday. It’s a good sport for someone un-athletic, although I wouldn’t say it’s easy. But it’s something I can do, and it can be boring, but it’s something to do, and it can be kind of fun. And you know, archery. That’s cool. Also joined badminton, for which I had my first session last Friday. That was super awkward. So many people. So many people who could play badminton. I was painfully bad and I had no idea about the rules which made it all worse. It was awfully embarrassing. Oh well. It can only get better? Also joined a charity group, cos its free and pretty low commitment- you can sign up to help out with whatever you want. And of course, Japanese lessons. I am learning Japanese…again. Third times a charm? The first lesson was on Monday and I’ve forgotten how awkward and embarrassing language learning in a class can be, but it’s a language I love which makes it easier. I will do it this time: I’m spending so much on it I hope that becomes the motivation for me to finally get somewhere with it!!

Everything about this, this whole university thing, is awkward and embarrassing in so many ways. So many awkward, “did I just say that?!”, wish the ground would swallow you whole kind of moments. I have managed to meet a couple of people, I guess. I went with one guy to Tesco one night. He’s a little strange, but nice, and genuine. I went to lunch with another guy which was the most awkward thing ever. Man, I was so glad when that was over (I think he was too). And I had my first lab session yesterday and the guys I’m with are both really nice, clever without being snobby/arrogant about it…which is basically who you want in a lab partner. o/ And yes, all guys. There seemed to be a few more girls than I was expecting during Week one, but I don’t know what happened to them all cos there’s only about 10 or 13 now. :/ I’ve met people through my clubs/societies though, and its fun to meet a lot of other people who are also not into the clubbing, getting drunk thing, cos so many people in my halls seem to be (I get the pleasure of listening to people shouting “wake up! Time for lectures!” at 2am and music so loud you can feel it, cleverly played before the 11pm quiet time begins…) I don’t really speak to people in my halls usually, and I eat my meals alone, but I’m cool with that. I get on with the people in my course thus far, and I’ve started to make acquaintances in my clubs/societies. And really, I’ve grown to accept that I’m not going to be one of those people who come to uni and go out to clubs etc…and that will make it a bit of a longer process to meet people…but that’s OK. I’m doing this my own way, and it’s OK.

I wouldn’t say I’ve entirely settled in, but I’m getting the hang of this university living-away-at-home thing. I would like to think. At first I was a bit worried, about everything, about meeting people, about living in halls, but I am managing to cope. And I’m glad I came here. Despite this, I’m also glad to be going home for a couple of days this weekend. No, actually I cannot wait. I do still miss home in some ways : (

There’s so much more I could say, but this long ramble is enough for now. I’ve installed the wordpress app on my phone so hopefully I will manage to post shorter posts more frequently from now on! (Maybe…)

Listening To: T-ARA Roly Poly
mood: tired

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