family – Page 3 – Honest Lies

“Warm spring that left, won’t you come back to me?”

The past weeks have been swinging between extreme highs and extreme lows. Work is…there is a situation I cannot talk about but which is crushing me right now. I am stressed out and anxious. But in other ways things are good right now – my flat is not looking like a complete disaster for once, I have been getting into reading again and enjoying some good dramas too, my neighbour’s cat has taken to coming into my flat and letting me play with him and cuddle him, and I’ve had some pretty good weekends spent actually doing stuff and not holed up at home feeling sorry for myself (see: work.)

One of my goals when I moved to this city was to take advantage of the cultural elements available to me, and take advantage of my salary, to see more shows. I love going to the theatre to see ballets, plays and operas and I don’t do it nearly enough. So I’m doing something about that now. Opera North are currently hosting a Fairy Tale season and I’ve got tickets to them all. I love fairy tales, especially the dark originals. For these shows too, I admit I was drawn in by the posters, which show the main characters in traditional costuming, although I have been confused as to how different the operas are turning out to the posters. (Very confused.) Anyway, I also bought tickets for Turandot in May. This gives me something to look forward to in these stressful times, and gets me out the house, which is also good (see: no moping.) It’s not too expensive either. After all, you can get a seat for just £15, and I bought a three opera package which meant that both Hansel and Gretel and Cinderella were £13.70 each! (Lets not talk about how expensive Turandot was even with a three opera discount – I wanted a good seat and I better have got one!)

So, the other weekend I saw the first of the fairy tales: the Russian “Snow Maiden”. My sister came up to my city and we went out to supper and then to see the show and it was all awesome. The Snow Maiden was extremely odd – it felt like it should have been sung in Russian, and the costumes were a bizarre mix of traditional and modern that made little sense (I don’t get why the Snow Maiden was in jeans for nearly the entire show whilst all the other characters got to change into different costumes. It was in stark contrast to the beautiful dress that Snow Maiden is wearing in the posters for the show. Shouldn’t the main character be the most beautiful, the one that stands out the most?) But it was short and funny and wonderful. My sister and I went shopping the next day which was also great fun.

I went to see the second of the fairy tales last weekend: the German “Hansel and Gretel”. This was a full on modern production of the opera. Again not as advertised, at all, though I did end up loving it. The music was stunning, and the opera itself was…surreal. It was very odd and slightly disturbing (young children singing happily after brutally burning to death a witch OK then) but it felt true to the dark spirit of the original fairy tale. I thought it was a more successful modern rendition of the opera than the Snow Maiden – the snow maiden swung between traditional and modern, which was confusing, but this one went all out modern. So OK. It was also hilarious… and I loved some of the odd details, like the witches wand being an electric beater (so random) and the use of video and cameras. It was really great. I also appreciated that it was also short – as much as I enjoyed 5 hours of parsifal, it can be a big demand on your time to sit through such a long show! I missed my sister, my default show-going partner, but she let me text her throughout the evening so it was like she was right there with me anyway. :)

I am looking forward to Cinderella, although I was drawn in to that by the gorgeous poster (the dreamy dress Cinderella is wearing, with bare feet) and from these two I can tell already that the actual product is going to be very different. Cinderella will at least be sung in the traditional Italian. Both Snow Maiden and Hansel and Gretel were in English. :( I can understand that for accessibility and drawing younger crowds (a goal of this opera season, if I’m reading the programmes correctly) it makes sense to present the operas in their English versions, but one thing I enjoy about the opera is getting to hear different languages. I would have loved to have heard Russian. Oh well.

This weekend though I am…actually holed up at home. I had plans to go out and buy some more fish, but it’s too cold and miserable. Winter is starting to get to me – dark mornings, grey, dull days and then it’s only a matter of time before its dark again. Last weekend there was actually some sunshine and I felt optimistic that spring may have finally started to come…the bulbs are starting to show… surely it should be time? I need some sunshine already. I’m starting to get cabin fever. I pace through my own flat, filled with restless energy. That’s maybe just the anxiety though. I wish work would be better. Then everything would be so great. I suppose it’s an impossible dream to want everything to be going perfectly well at all times. Come spring, hopefully things can settle down at least. Being pushed to these extremes, often quickly, is exhausting. I try on focus on all the good things going on in my life right now, those highs, but the stress of the lows leaves me so tired out and makes even being happy feel too effortful.

Post Title: MC Sniper - Spring won't you come?

New Year

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Needless Alley, Birmingham

Christmas turned out to be as expected – very quiet, but nice. We followed our plans – Christmas morning, my parents and I packed up the presents in bags, boxed up the food and drove to my sister’s house. My sister had put a lot of effort into making up her house for our family celebrations: she’d put up a tree, and set the table beautifully.

We opened presents and then set about making lunch, eating lunch, and then lazing around after lunch and finishing up with a family game of scrabble, where my sister won over me by 3 points. (3 points!) My sister’s cat was at first overwhelmed, but then quite happy to hang around us, which was cute. By the end of the day she even tentatively came to sit next to me. I got some good presents this year – mostly stuff for my home, as usual. (That’s not an unhappy as usual. I usually request things for my home – it’s interesting to see how people interpret it, and adding those different touches to my house. I like filling my house with things that have an association with a loved one, and/or a pleasant memory.) It was a nice day, but I was exhausted by the evening; as an introvert I can’t take so long spent around people, even my own family. Usually on Christmas I try to retreat in the afternoon, and reappear in the evening. As I was at my sisters house I didn’t feel comfortable roaming around, or retreating, and I felt a pressure to socialise. So I did not get my retreat and recharge time, and it was a little uncomfortable.

Thankfully, for boxing day I could stay at home and ignore everyone. :P

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Turtle in a Santa Hat

The next day my sister and I went to Birmingham together. We shopped the sales a bit, had a meal and then went to Sea Life aquarium! It was awesome. Quite a small aquarium, but plenty to see. It was not too busy either, which was really nice. It was especially good being able to enjoy their 360 shark tunnel without the pressure to keep moving to accommodate the crowds. My sister and I spent ages watching the sharks, and trying to spot their turtle (Surprisingly, even a giant turtle can do what my fish do – hide themselves away perfectly, not a trace.) The aquarium had been done up for Christmas – with lights in the decorative palm trees in the aquarium, a Santa hat on one of their statues, and a plastic Christmas tree in their main tank with the sharks. It was kind of adorable. It was another long, tiring day, but lots of fun and it’s easier to be around just my sister rather than dealing with the whole family. (Not including the cat.)

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Shark not bothered by Christmas tree in his tank

Since then I’ve come back to the flat and reunited with the fish, who probably didn’t even know I was gone, and met up with my sister in Manchester for more sales shopping. Between those two outings I have managed to buy a lot of nice work stuff at reduced prices, which is awesome. I basically bought several sweaters of similar colors and different styles, but as I live in sweaters+pants/skirt combos at work I think I can justify it. And I finally found a nice smart coat I can wear for my meetings! There’s nothing like putting on your formal wear only to cover it up in a casual coat…Which I’ve been doing for over a year now as coats being expensive, I struggled to commit to buying something nicer. But I found a good formal coat and a good price on it in the sales this time. It was still painful to hand it over at the till, but I can live with it. (And finally I can package myself properly for my meetings, which is pretty priceless to be honest.) I then had a driving lesson today. But mostly I’ve been relaxing and enjoying not having to go to work.

I have to go back to work eventually, of course. I have mixed feelings on it. But whatever, still got a couple of days to myself, and I plan to do nothing and enjoy it thoroughly.

Happy new year!!!

(Pictures are from the trip to Birmingham!)

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The Birmingham Bullring shopping center Bull dressed up as a Christmas pudding, because why not

In a World Without You

A life update.

I went to see Bastille in concert recently. They were supported by Rationale. Thank you Bastille for introducing me to such a powerful, soulful voice. I was disappointed to find out afterward that Rationale won’t be releasing an album until next year, which means the songs I heard are unreleased? I am confused. Anyway, after Rationale Bastille came on stage and played a great mix of old and new songs. They played some of my favourites like Laura Palmer, The Draw and Of the Night. Although they skipped out their fabulous city high cover of What Would You Do?, which made me sad. I went with my sister, who had seen Bastille before they were famous (my sister is an unintentional hipster) and it was interesting to hear her talk about how before they were barely filling the standing area, when now the whole arena except for one block was packed. The lead singer was constantly wandering around stage and weaving into the crowd, which was a bizarre game of where’s Wally, followed by two massive bodyguards. He had nothing before, my sister claims. The concert was too short. It was massive fun. And although I didn’t get a chance to check out their latest album before going, I’ve bought it since, intrigued by what I heard. I’ve been looping the album daily since and I like it, though not quite as much as their first. Though to be honest, the bonus disc of Bad blood probably contains some of their best work. I’ve also been looping my videos of Rationale and waiting impatiently for his new album – which I’ve got preordered. It’s been a while since I’ve been to a concert, and it was good fun. The crowds were intense though, and I don’t think I could have coped with that aspect without having my sister next to me.

My sister stayed at mine for the night then the next day we went to see our parents together, where I was to stay for the weekend. I wanted to go back to see my cat…wasn’t there. I needed to see she was gone. It was weird though, being home without her there. I kept looking for her – instinctively scanning every room I entered, looking out the window to see if she was in the garden, looking up at every noise, wondering if that was her, jumping off one of the beds upstairs, or something. I couldn’t find her and I couldn’t make sense of it. I still can’t stop thinking about her, missing her. We received her ashes back from the pet crematorium recently, and we ordered a small memorial stone for her today. It really is tiny, just a little piece of slate engraved with her name. We will bury her beneath the azaleas were she spent her last days, and place the stone to mark the grave, subtle and not fussy, just something to honour her. She was our first proper pet. My first pet. I didn’t realise that I had beliefs about death or what comes next, and I am surprised by how strong some of my feelings are when it comes to how she should be laid to rest. Like, I desperately want to bury her with her nametag, and some of her favourite things. I want her to have them with her for…later. I didn’t know I held that belief. My family probably thinks I am a little crazy.

My sister recently got her own cat, and I am a little jealous. I’m not sure what is too soon for a new cat for myself, but I know I do want another one at some point. There is a cat shaped hole in my heart. I cannot have my own though, due to my rental contract, so I am relying on my parents to want another one. I am slightly jealous of my sister for having her own house now, and having the freedoms that come with it. It can be hard to have an older sibling, to see them ahead in the future, living out the life you are still working towards.

I have really been so gloomy since my cat died. I thought, I wanted, to come back from holiday happy and relaxed, but my cat’s death shook me and uprooted me. I lost my way for a little while, and I am only just putting the pieces back together. I have started my happiness journaling again, I am watching my diet more closely (I stopped eating for a time after my cat died, subsiding mostly on random binging episodes of much junk), and am cleaning up the house, getting that all back together.

I miss her too much.

“You had not expected this, the bedroom gone white, the astronomical light pummeling you in a stream of fists”

kitty Today I found out that my cat is dying.

It’s not totally unexpected; she’s been unhealthy for about a year now. She has not been ageing well. First it was the fleas taking it out of her, then she had cancer and had to have surgery to have it removed. We, my family and I, were told then it may come back at any time… but you always think that won’t be soon, don’t you? The next time she went to the vets everything was fine and she just needed to be booked in to hospital to have her teeth cleaned. The vet said she was fine. We all breathed a sigh of relief. The cancer wasn’t back.

Today she was labouring when breathing so back to the vet again. I only found out now that this had happened. That the vet had x-rayed her and found cancer in her lungs. It was moving fast. We could have a week, we could have two months. But either way we are going to have to put her down.

I hate that I’m not there with her. I call her my cat but she is the family pet and she lives with my parents. I’m just a little too far away to be able to see her when I want. I hate it. And I hate that I won’t be there to hear the final verdict when she goes back to the vet on Monday. And what if the verdict is something immediate has to be done? What if the last time I saw her was the last time?

I never seem to be there when those that I love pass away.

Post Title: Richard Siken- Visible World

“Back where I collected him, the landscape shimmered with color, the sky fizzed with fireworks, and he stood open mouthed in wonder”

It was my birthday on Saturday. 24 years old and definitely feeling it- although I think my anxiety over my age is actually more anxiety over the fact that it drives home the age of my family. My sister bought a house recently, my cousin had a baby, and on Saturday it was a year (exactly) since my own graduation. I think about where I’m at in life, and whether it’s at the right place, and feel anxious that I’m not. I don’t feel particularly adult. I feel a mess. I am lost and overwhelmed and trying to come to terms with my reality, but it’s hard.

On Saturday I went to the pet store to buy some plants and yet more fish tank accessories (it’s never ending) I got to see adorable axolotls, kittens and bunnies whilst there at least. (I nearly took home one of all, of course) I came home and planted and cleaned the new tank, and then prepared and fed peas to my fish, who actually seemed to enjoy them. I then had to clean the house- My parents were coming round for my birthday and I was nervous for their opinions on my flat. I shouldn’t have bothered. My mom started muttering about my flat as soon as she arrived- it feels like no matter what I do, it’s not good enough. My sister curled my hair and reassured me.and then thankfully we could leave/get out the house.

We went to a Mediterranean restaurant for an early supper. The restaurant was quiet at 5.30pm, which was nice. The food was divine- we ended up with starters, mains and dessert. The staff were lovely, and helpful. I asked the waiter about cream in my main meal, and he remembered it enough to come to our table after we’d order dessert and ask if the butter in the dessert was ok. (I felt a bit guilty saying yes. I probably shouldn’t have, but I love pastry too much) afterwards we drove into the city centre to watch let it be, a Beatles tribute. It was amazing. They’d obviously put a lot of effort into it and were likely mimicking specific performances to the smallest details. In between performances they showed clips, of Beatlemania (kpop fans have nothing over that, i thought to myself) and they even had an ad break with some old adverts that would definitely not be considered pc today. It was adorable watching my parents, especially my shy father, get into the show- cheering, dancing and singing along. For a time, not speaking to each other and absorbed in a common interest, we all got on, were even affectionate to each other. Afterwards we were happy and relaxed enough to get ice creams and chat pleasantly whilst eating them on the walk back to the car.

Sunday wasn’t as good. Everyone was a little tired. My mom in particular was in a bad mood. We went for a walk at a local park / botanic gardens and it was ok, at times. My mom was a dog with a bone: she wouldn’t stop nagging me, about the tiniest, most insignificant things. My mom holds my flat to standards she herself doesn’t apply to our family home and I don’t understand it.

I felt a little relieved when they all left. Which is terrible, but I was starting to feel smothered and way too criticised. Since then, work as usual. The days bleed into each other, always doing the same things. Keeping the same routine. I am tired, a little depressed.

Post Title: A little life- Hanya Yanigihara

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