exams – Page 4 – Honest Lies

I closed my eyes and found an answer I hadn’t noticed

This week has been quite hectic. Exams started on Monday, with my first being Mathematics. It was perfectly awful. The paper just wasn’t nice. And I know I completely messed up one question, not because I didn’t know what to do, but because I messed up my basic integration. The worst thing was that I had gone over my integration the very night before in preparation for something like happening, but I had skipped over this particular method as I did not expect it to come up. Of course, it came up. I went back to my room, grabbed my purse and headed out to Tesco on a quest for Ben and Jerry’s, and spent the evening wallowing in my misery – on the internet, and reading a hilarious book(The bro magnet, which was not entirely realistic, but hilarious with a lot of heart!), instead of revising for my next exam the next day.

My next exam was Electrical Engineering, which was at the awesome time of 16.30. I planned to take advantage of the late time and get up early to spend the day doing last minute cramming, but ended up oversleeping and spent only the afternoon doing so. This exam also went terribly wrong. The paper was OK, apart from a few of the wordier questions that I couldn’t do (of course the wordier questions I could do weren’t on the paper) I instead made the stupid mistake of mistaking a components value, therefore doing a good page of calculations and half of one question entirely wrong. Thankfully I spotted this, and I went through and corrected it. Only to check it through again and realize I had messed up my calculations. So by this point it was getting a bit messy, and after going through it again it only got worse. I am terrified that I did it wrong the third time ( I only got 61.5% efficiency for the transformer/ So either it’s a really crap transformer, or I did it wrong. My money is on the latter :( ), or that I won’t even get method marks because it is so messy!

That stupid component threw me out entirely and I messed up on the one part of the paper I could do in my sleep. I came out of the exam wanting to cry- it was so bad! I mean, how awful would it be to fail an exam because I misread a component value? Lame!

I am disappointed and annoyed with myself that I messed up both papers over such stupid, little things.

Then on Wednesday I had to go the doctors for three vaccinations. I overslept and was nearly late, of course, but I did make it and I ended up getting them done, two in one arm, and one in the other. It was painful, although the nurse was nice. She spoke to me about my course and Malaysia, and gave me further travel advice. I have to go back for more doses next week, and two weeks after that. Fun! I am really getting stressed with preparing to move abroad to Malaysia, there’s just so much to do, and I am really worried about it not working out- after so much has been done in preparation for it!

After the doctors I grabbed something to eat, and then headed back to halls to pack and get ready to travel home, only to realize I needed money for the bus. Cue me throwing together my stuff, rushing out to the ATM (the closest is 30 mins there and back!), rushing back and throwing the rest of my stuff together before rushing off to catch the bus. Amazingly or the first time ever I didn’t have to run to catch my train, and I was on my train a good ten minutes before departure. Of course, I was badly packed, and I had left behind my laundry which sucks as with this glorious weather it would have been nice to be able to hang it outside. The train journey was long, and my arms ached, and I felt ever so slightly nauseous. I was glad when the journey came to an end and I was home.

It was strange being home, at first. Although badly packed, I have most of what I need as I have a lot of stuff still at home. It’s just, popping home sometimes it really feels like I am a visitor. It hit me as I was making lunch yesterday, which was a struggle, as the food available is no longer targeted to me. And yesterday morning there wasn’t any soap in the bathroom for me, and my room doesn’t have all my things. I felt a little unsure of myself yesterday, and as to why I came home. One part was for a quiet place to study as the library is getting busy, but another was because I wanted the comfort of my home. It’s not really my home anymore though?

But although yesterday was strange as I struggled to settle in, today proved to be much better. I attempted some revision, although the warmth is distracting, and then my dad came home and announced that we would be having a braai, which turned out to be chilled out and nice. For the first time I really felt like I was home. I felt settled and relaxed. And I am looking forward to taking a break from revision tomorrow, to make milk tart and then to spend my afternoon lying in the garden reading and sunning myself. It’s quite nice being back I suppose and I am dreading having to go back to uni because it means having to face that fact that I still have two more exams! After my first two awful exams I am quite ready to be done with this semester. Mathematics and Electrical Engineering exams were the ones I felt fairly confident about, compared to Electronic Engineering and Fields which I really really really struggle with. I also haven’t even started revising for Fields, which doesn’t help matters.

It took all my willpower not to use even more exlcamation marks in this post than I already have. I am a wierd mixture of feeling lazy and relaxed, and totally stressed right now!

Listening To: Ayaka - blue days
mood: stressed

before our dreams disappear

I was talking to my dad on the phone early and I was telling him about my schedule and he remarked “not long left now”. Which is…actually very true. I’ve been so caught up in stress of revision and procrastination from said revision that I’ve not really thought about it at all but lectures really did finish last week, and its just my four exams to go now. (Well, not “just” because they are HORRIBLE and I need to pass them quite badly, but you get what I mean.) Therefore, my second year at university is coming to a close, and my first year doing Electrical and Electronic Engineering. In just a matter of months I’ll be in my third year of university, and my second year of my course (Yes, that confuses me too. Do I call myself a second year? Or a first year?…A first year plus?) It still feels like yesterday that I was at school. But, in reality, that’s a long time past now. I have no ties to that place anymore. Sometimes I think of it, of course, but

I mostly think of how much I hated it. I remember what the teachers said to me, and how they treated me, and I become motivated from it though. I was took aside by my head of year and told to reconsider doing engineering, well look who’s doing engineering now! Petty, yes, but its satisfying to imagine how they’d react if they knew. Not that they’d ever know. I haven’t been back. Hell, I don’t even speak to any of my old ‘friends’ from school anymore, apart from two people. Instead of blossoming into a social butterfly whilst at university, I seem to have become even more introverted and anti-social. I think I have grown into my personality though, just in my own way. I do think its easier being shy at university than it is at school though. At school you have to be part of a group, but not at university. Its a much less diverse environment at school, in the obvious sense, and also in the sense that there is more pressure to conform. I’m glad I did not go back to school and repeat my A levels, and did the foundation year instead. The foundation year is also becoming just another piece of the past, but it was always supposed to be that way. It was really just a stepping stone, a brief stop before going to this university. I don’t miss it at all. When I think of it, I think of how much I liked it though, and I remember that feeling- being full of hope and motivation, having confidence in what I was doing, being so determined to do well. All of it, in a way I don’t think I’ll ever be to quite the same level again. Today, I slept until 12, procrastinated, then spent my evening hanging out in the library attempting to study and not getting very much done at all. Its not enough. It doesn’t feel like enough.

Second year is going to be something else, if all goes to plan. I can’t wait for it to be sorted out so I can stop being so vague and talk about it here. I hope second year will be good, although its definitely gonna be tough (Hello, C++ and other such things I didn’t enjoy in their ‘basic’ forms this year, and am not looking to expanding on the next). I complained a lot this year, but wait for second year! Heh.

In the end, even if sometimes I get stressed out and swear I hate engineering, I am happy doing this degree. And I like my university, too. I was actually pretty keen on going to university in Scotland but I’m glad I didn’t. Lets not mention how I was rejected from the Scottish uni I badly wanted to go to and focus on how much more awesome my current uni is and how I’m glad that events took me here. I would have never imagined I ended up here, of all universities, but I’m glad I came here. I think I could do four years here.

Listening To: ZARD - Goodbye by my loneliness
mood: tired

your eyes are stars of a different magnitude, they reflect lights that spell out: EXIT

I can’t believe I have to go back to university this Sunday. Dreading it doesn’t even cover it. I am not prepared to dealing with people again. I don’t feel like sitting through long lectures. I haven’t done any of my coursework, and revision isn’t really going well either. I don’t know if I’m going to pass my exams, and I want to, I really want to, but no matter what I do it never feels enough. I feel confused. I feel so stupid.

I’m really scared. Things have been going OK and it feels surreal, feels like I’m waiting for it to fall apart. Because I can’t succeed. I don’t feel like I’m good enough. I try and convince myself that I am, but then I become scared I’ll jinx it. Always this fear. I don’t really know how to be happy, without fearing the loss of it. I continue to tell myself “Everything will be OK”, but it feels more and more like a lie with every passing day. I’m tired of it. It’s not really OK. I am trying but I don’t know if its enough, and I’m scared of the consequences if I can’t pull through.

Really, I’ll be so happy when this semester is over and done with.

mood: sad
Listening To: Mad Soul Child - Breath

But if I can cope with all the sadness I think I can become a little stronger.I have climbed many walls, so I don’t want to lose anymore.(x)

Tonight I booked my train tickets to go home next week. I’m looking forward to it a ridiculous amount. I’m so bogged down with work right now that a little break would be nice. Well, I’ll probably be lugging my laptop back so I can work at home so I guess its more being able to work in my own room, and fending off my cat trying to sit on my textbooks. Things like that. It really does feel like its been ages since I’ve been home. This semester has been so hectic that time just seems to have slipped by without even noticing. Yet ,I feel like I’ve not done much at all. I’m so busy with lectures and labs and course works (aka lab report after lab report after lab report) that I haven’t even had time, no, more like motivation or energy, to do any revision yet. This is worrying.

I got my marks for semester 1 back recently. Well, most of them. Still waiting for one of them. For the most part they are, not going to lie, really good and I am honestly shocked that I managed to pull it off. I even managed to pass communications and computer engineering. Sadly got my lowest mark thus far on Circuits and Fields, although the paper was really awful so I’m glad just to have passed. I was happy when I got my marks, then the worry settled in and it hasn’t quite left- having good marks for the first semester puts a lot of pressure on me now to continue to maintain these standards. And as for circuits and fields, I am on the fields part of the module and if I don’t do well on that I’m screwed.

There are certain things I want, things I can’t say because I’m so scared of jinxing it, that really depend on me getting good marks. I thought I’d failed my first semester but I haven’t and now I’ve started to hope and allow myself to dream of achieving these things and its honestly a little scary. Because you know, no revision being done. Still a major chance of my fucking everything up if I mess up this semester. Also: I have grown to realize that failing my A levels has made me really scared of failure. Which is good because it gives me MOTIVATION and DETERMINATION and all those lovely words but at the same time it gets tiring to be putting myself under this much pressure. It’s like there’s a part of myself constantly going have to do more, this isn’t enough, have to do more, still not good enough, will never be good enough, how dare you relax when there are THINGS to DO. Perhaps this university business has finally started to do things to my sanity.

I wouldn’t say I’m stressed. But I am busy. I wish I could blog more, and I could write more interesting entries, but I find that university saps at my motivation to blog. I’m churning out so much coursework right now that a) I don’t want to write any more and b) I am very much in “technical report” standard when it comes to writing. It makes me a bit idk- annoyed? sad? worried? – to think about how much my degree takes from me. And yet still it never feels like enough, no matter what I do. And when I don’t do anything I feel guilty about it as if I’m not allowed a little bit of time to myself. I don’t know when I became this way.

I wanna go home. :( Probably going to start counting down the days soon!

Listening To: ICONIQ - Change Myself
mood: restless

Breath

I am currently procrastinating from studying Japanese. I am quite truly sick and tired of revision and I just…can’t seem to remember anymore than I already have. But I am pleased to say- my exams are over!! Had my Circuits and Fields last Saturday, which went even worse than expected. The paper was written by a different lecturer and I have never before seen questions like that in my entire life. They were at a totally different level from the questions and past papers my lecturer had given/set before. Harder, more complicated, less clear as to what the question wanted. Methods had different names too, which didn’t help. I actually couldn’t answer most of the questions. I had never ever seen circuits that looked like that- how was I supposed to analyze them? It was terrible.

Then I thankfully had a nice long break until Friday, spent mostly stuck in halls procrastination from revision and revising. I did go out Thursday to go get Sushi with a friend. And shop by myself a little afterwards. Instead of revising. It was pretty fun.

My friend and I went to Yo!Sushi as they had an offer on. I wasn’t really feeling well and wasn’t that hungry, and I had to face being in the embarrassing situation of not being able to use chopsticks and having nothing else to eat with but chopsticks (thanks, yo sushi and I won’t be going back to give you any more of my money any time soon. I don’t even like sushi, I just go there for the tamago and the katsu curry.) but it was nice to chat to my friend. This came up at a point- that I have no friends. And I told my friend I honestly don’t need any friends but her (well, I told her I didn’t need friends and had to furiously backtrack to explain that I meant I didn’t need other friends, oh awkward). I have the feeling people expect me to be living differently than I do, that they find it strange that I don’t go out, that they feel bad for me that I’ve not gotten any friends on my course or in my halls. But these things don’t matter for me. There are situations where I feel yeah, it would be nice to have friends on my course but that’s for selfish reasons- needing someone to contact when i’m not sure of coursework deadlines say. But, in truth I don’t really need people for any other reason. I don’t like to talk to people. Being around people makes me anxious, and I end up feeling exhausted because of it. I feel embarrassed by the things I say, I feel self conscious and I just don’t like it. Not around my best friend, or my sister, the people I trust. They’re enough. I don’t trust easily, and I can’t relax around people until I know I can trust them. They are the only people I can really relax around, and thus I like being with them. No one else. I don’t know. Sometimes I feel strange myself. Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me. There are so many things I can’t do that most people my age can (use chopsticks, for instance, apply makeup, go to a bar or club and know what I am doing etc) and I guess…I feel a little like the odd one out sometime. Even though I feel mostly fine with myself, it seems the world is telling me that it is wrong to be this way. :(

I don’t know where this paragraph came from. Or if it even makes any sense.

I’ll leave it there and continue with the day to day stuff.

I probably shoulda revised more during those 6 days. I had electronic engineering at 9am on Friday, and the paper was OK but I couldn’t remember everything and I made lots of little mistakes and forgot gray code thus totally messing up on one question. Hopefully should have enough marks to pass that one? I hope. I’m trying not to think about it anymore. Results should be out mid February/by the end of February and there’s nothing I can do until then.

Today I went out again, got brows waxed, shopped, had coffee at Starbucks. Nothing major, but OK. I was mainly avoiding studying Japanese, because I did mention I’m sick of studying yeah?

Semester 2 starts on Monday. I have lectures from 9am until 1pm, then from 2pm until 6pm and then I have Japanese from 6:30pm until 8:30pm. yeah. What a fun start to a new semester. I am in a way…dreading semester 2. There’s a lot more labs this semester and I don’t really like labs? And I start something called real time systems this semester and apparently we get to choose our own groups. This phrase usually makes most people happy. Most people who aren’t me. That phrase brings back memories of standing out in the cold during P.E lessons waiting, waiting to be picked and no one ever would. I’d always be the one left behind, the one that someone is stuck with. I am totally dreading RTS, not only because it is going to be difficult, but because I am going to have to deal with working with someone I don’t know, and someone who probably doesn’t want to work with me as much as I don’t want to work with them. This is one of those situations where I think, for selfish reasons, that it would be nice to have friends :/

Forget Japanese revision, I’m going to bed now. So tired. I feel a little sad, but no, its more I feel like having a good cry. Just, letting it out. All this worry and anxiety, all this stress. But I’m too tired for even that.

Listening To: Mad Soul Child- Breath
mood: tired

Tags

Categories

Archives

Blogroll