exams – Page 3 – Honest Lies

“Constant fear of falling erases even your will to fly”

I’ve got Nine Muses new mini album on repeat right now. I’m not sure how I feel about the PV for “Wild”, but the mini album is wonderful. “Spotlight” and “action” are brilliant, mature pop tracks and OK, “wild” is not too bad either. It’s great to have something new to listen to- K pop is constantly disappointing me lately, and I’m very out of touch with the Japanese music scene. Although, there is always the old favourites to turn to. Actually, I was listening to Ayu’s album “secret” when I saw it had been released in 2006 and I realized I had been listening to Japanese music for about eight years now. That’s a little crazy, to think of myself, 13 years old and discovering the likes of Hamasaki Ayumi and Gackt for the first time, falling in love with Japan and the Japanese language. Eight years later and I’ve still not managed to learn more Japanese than “Arigatou” but I’m about to visit Japan for the 2nd time. Of course, before that I’ve got exams to get through first.

Currently, I’m spending a large chunk of my time in the library studying with my friend and it’s amazing how much more tolerable long hours struck in the library, tired and hungry and frustrated with endless revision, is when not alone. My friend has been helpful and we’ve had a lot of random conversations to break up the time. I realized this is the very first time I’m really talking to a guy, beyond the polite non-conversation, and its interesting. I’m still worried about saying too much, becoming too comfortable but mostly I’m relaxed and its easy and enjoyable to not be alone. He’s also been wonderfully tolerant of my moaning. I realized this week that I can be incredibly whiny. I don’t mean to but something my friend said, maybe his tone made me realize just how much I had been complaining and I felt a little embarrassed. I don’t want to be one of those people that only has negative things to say. I have friend who is like this- but in the opposite way. She’s very upbeat and positive, very ME ME ME about it all to- listen to how wonderful my life is, and listen to me telling you that everything is wonderful in your life too…sometimes you just want to shake her and tell her that sometimes things are not OK, and that’s its OK to admit to that. But then there’s me and I realized that lately I’ll been all ME ME ME, listen to how much my life sucks and its like, shut up already self. My friend has been so wonderfully patient with my whining but I highly doubt he wants to listen to it all the time. I’ve definitely got to try and be more positive.

Even though, things are hard right now. I’m still very stressed out and anxious. I had my first exam yesterday which was my weakest subject- telecommunications. I had been stupidly hopeful that because I had worked, I had revised I would manage to scrap a pass. Alas, it really did not go well at all. I opened the paper and my mind just went blank. I knew the first two questions, they were exact copies of the past papers and tutorials I had done multiple times but I just could not remember. I just could not think. Then it got to the last two questions and all I wanted to do was cry. They were strange questions, difficult questions. The more I went over the questions, the more my mind went blank. The more I tried to think, the more I could not. The more panicked and anxious I became. By the end of the exam I was near tears. I knew it. I did . And yet, I could not do it. Worse, I was talking to my friend today and I really did make some very stupid mistakes that I should not have. I should have done better. I am terrified. In order to progress to the MEng I have to pass all my exams. Its the first requirement. But for this subject I fucked up the lab report, and now the exam too.

Thursday night, I was so sad and disappointed that I could not concentrate and although I went out to the library to study I ended up getting nowhere. My brain still would not get into gear. Today, too, I struggled to concentrate on revision. I’m so close to finishing this year, but I’ve already lost motivation. I think that I’ve become so scared of failure that it has paralysed me and that is so ridiculous. Snap out of it, I tell myself. But I’m like that overly positive friend telling me to cheer up- empty words that don’t do very much at all but frustrate the one who has to hear it. I don’t know how. I don’t know how to fix this, I think. I don’t know how to “snap out of it” I don’t even really know what I’m feeling or why. It’s all a bit crazy.

Today, I woke up fairly late, then tried to bring some order to my room in preparation to getting it cleaned. With exams and everything I turned my back on cleaning and it just started to pile up, so seeing so I can get my room cleaned for free, I decided I would. I was not prepared for it. They were supposed to come at 1.00pm. At 1.30pm I was frantically pacing, wondering where they were. Then there was the knock on the door. I stepped out. They stepped in. I heard…noises. Out of the corner of my eye I saw them moving things. I tried to look busy by fucking around on my phone but curiosity and nervousness made it difficult to concentrate on anything. My room really was in a terrible state and I know they deal with students and they’ve probably seen it all, but I still could not help imagine them judging me. In the end they gave my room the ruthless, thorough cleaning it needed. They did move some things, and accidentally threw away a pair of my socks, but I think that’s a fair price for how glowy and clean my room is now. It’s nice to have a clean, shiny environment. And OK, its pretty great to have that without having lifted a finger myself. One less thing for me to stress about, you know?

After my room was cleaned it was back to the library, sitting by my friend and trying to get stuff done. Today was slightly better than last night, admittedly. Most of the crushing disappointment has lifted, and my friend’s reassurances that everything will be OK actually did help, because sometimes you do need to hear things like that. And there’s a clear difference between me and the person I used to be- the person I was would say “If I’m going to fail, why bother?” but now even if I feel like I’m going to fail, I’m not going down without a fight. I cannot let my fear of failure stop me from even trying. My next exam is on Tuesday- which will be mathematics. Then my last is on Thursday- electronic engineering. As much I long for them to done with already, I need to stay positive and work hard. No matter how exhausted and sick of everything I feel, I gotta keep fighting my way towards my dream. Towards the future. I will not give up on (my) life again. I must not.

I do wish though that there wasn’t the constant threat of ” too late.”

Listening To:: NINE MUSES - wild
Post Title: D'espairsRay - Brilliant

“Don’t try to block the sun that shines on me”

I’m once again sitting at the airport waiting to board a flight. that’s kind of awesome isn’t it? This flying thing is becoming second nature to me and more importantly, I’m becoming more comfortable flying alone. No matter how much time I’ve spent at airports and on planes in my life, most of it was trailing after my father. Now, I can do these things myself.

I’ve been up since 6am and I’m exhausted. It was a rush to get everything packed and my room organized and it didn’t help that the taxi came early, adding extra pressure. Yes, I should have done it all before hand but those three days between my flight and my exam flew by me. It was only yesterday that it sunk in that I was going to Thailand and I started to get stressed out running around trying to get everything for today and eventually, eventually I bought a bottle of sprite and got cup full of ice, then went to sit on a bench close by my halls…overlooking not very much. But the view did not matter. the fresh air did, being out of my tiny room did, taking time out to slowly drink my sprite and chew on the ice did, letting my mind wander as it wanted did. I thought of many things, most of them nothing very important but as my mind worked its way to the core of the… the heaviness…the tiredness I’ve been feeling lately I realized I was very glad to be going to Thailand today. If I didn’t, I fear, no, I know I would end up spending my time in my room, slowly retreating back to a dark place I never wanted to visit again. I’m very sad right now.. Exams left me tired, disappointed in myself and just, regretful and yeah, maybe a little angry. and, I realized too, that I am perhaps grieving. I don’t know if I am, I don’t know what grief is and I still don’t feel like I’m doing it properly, if there is such a thing. But maybe this slow, festering pain and this heavy weight settling deep inside me is grief. At the bottom of it, I’m 15 again and the weight of my grief and my disappointment is crushing me right now. I cannot wait to just get away, to take a time to see how wonderful things are despite all the horrible things that have happened these past few weeks. To come to terms with the fact that life goes on and whatever gets left behind.. I have to let go of. I have to get my mind back into a better place before the next term. I cannot wait to see my sister again. I cannot wait to go elephant riding and temple sight seeing and jungle trekking and shopping and so many things beside. This is going to be awesome. I’m a little anxious, as usual, but I’m excited. I have so much to look forward to.

(N/B – For those that notice the time stamp, I wrote this at the airport at the gate where there was obviously no way for me to post it. Posting is now that I have internet and time to read through and spell check!)

Post Title: Jaejoong - Mine lyrics

Malaysia

Today was a long, tiring day. I don’t feel like writing a long post now but I will start it. I got my results today. Needless to say I was terrified and barely slept last night and had to drag myself to go see my tutor to collect them but it was with much relief and joy that I found I had passed my exams and ended up with a first. I did get lower marks for Semester 2 than Semester 1, however not so low that it dragged my average down or made me need resits. (And unsurprisingly my lowest mark was for Real Time Systems! :P) Therefore it is finally confirmed that I will be studying abroad next year in Malaysia. This has been so hard not to talk about on this blog- as so much has happened already regarding making the decision to go and starting the preparations- but I didn’t want to put any of it into words until it was confirmed I was actually going. With my results the way they are I think I can finally say I am moving to Malaysia in September and not be afraid of jinxing it. It hasn’t quite sunk in yet really, and I know that my happiness right now will soon turn to stress and anxiety as it dawns on me what I am undertaking. But when I decided to go ahead and put my application in I did so because I would rather regret going, than regret not going. That still stands.

Come on, show your happiness in a new colour

Well, exams are over now. I had my last on Thursday and it went terribly, as all the others did. I’m not surprised at this one; I’m not confident with the subject and I know I didn’t work as hard as I should have for it. I was so fed up after the first three that I could barely get myself revising. I hope I have done enough to pass it at least. Now comes the wait for results. There’s a lot resting on these results and I can honestly say I’m terrified. I don’t know what I’ll do if I fail, so I’m trying not think about it (and in that way, its all I can think of)

After the exam I got some celebratory coffee and came back to my room and I suddenly felt so unsure of myself. When revising there are always other things to do. But when you suddenly find yourself with free time its like there’s so much to do and no pressure to do any of it due to the complete lack of time limits, that you don’t even know where to begin. Its like- what do I do now?! I’m done with my first year of university. Already. Its weird. But despite my anxiety over exam results, I am glad this semester is finally done with. That uni is done with for another year. I’m ready to take a break, recharge a bit before having to go into second year.

I came home for the weekend last night . I am attending the wedding reception of my sisters best friend today. It’s strange that the wedding is already happening. I remember sitting in the car with my sister and her friends when this friend announced her engagement, at that time it was still a secret, not quite set in stone. It doesn’t feel like that long ago but it really was. I really wonder what it is like for my sister to watch her best friend get married. Shame, she has had to help organise this wedding and its obvious how stressed and emotional she is. I personally am not sure what to think about going to wedding reception. I’m grateful to be invited, but this is a social event and I am not exactly social. My sister was telling me what was likely to be happening and so I told her “I’m going to have to get very drunk for this, aren’t I?” That may turn out to be true. Gosh, there’s going to be dancing. I don’t dance. For the good of other people, that is.

I bought my dress two weeks ago, and I have some high heels that make me like 6ft tall and I am not sure I can walk in, and I did my makeup nicely although I’m terribly broken out from stress and nothing can cover it and I forgot my pressed powder which is annoying. Its rather weird dressing up like this. I didn’t even go to my school proms! So I’m feeling unsure of myself in this way too.

I hope its going to be fun. I could do with a nice fun evening after exams.

I need to go finish getting ready now- I’m nearly late!

Listening To: SISTAR- How Dare You
mood: nervous

If not now

I’m finding it difficult to sleep lately. I’ve been staying up into the small hours of the morning, afraid of my own thoughts and those horrible hours lying awake with only these thoughts to accompany me. The darkness and the quiet is stifling and I always find my mind going to strange places, thinking about everything from the books I have been reading, to making up random stories, to remembering I forgot to take the trash out earlier. The night before last I went to bed at 3am and lay awake for hours, tossing and turning and unable to become comfortable, unable to switch my mind of. Eventually I lay there, sprawled out on my back, watching the glow of the morning light seeping out from the edges of my curtains, feeling like giving up on sleeping entirely, throwing the blankets off and getting up. It was then my thoughts drifted to my memories. I remembered being in Vic Falls in Zimbabwe, and waking up 6am to go walk alongside the Zambezi river with my sister and watch the sun rise there. I remembered how surreal it all was, the enormity of the place, the mist that clung to everything, how beautiful it was. I remembered strolling to the edge whilst keeping back for fear of crocodiles, peering out into the river and wondering what was there, watching me, that I could not see. I remember the heat and the noises of well, Africa. The hum of many insects and more. I remembered sitting down to breakfast with my sister and us being the only ones there, making stupid jokes and laughing too loudly, too much, attracting odd glances from the staff there. It did not matter, in those early hours it was like it was just the two of us and the world belonged only to us.

When I find myself feeling sad, longing for home, longing for escape, my mind turns to my memories. It’s bittersweet.

I had another exam on Thursday. It didn’t go well. Worse than even the last two. I am even more disappointed in myself, and even more frustrated. Why does everything seem to be going wrong? Is this the moment where everything finally falls apart? After all, just how long can someone like me succeed.

Yesterday after lying awake all night I dragged myself out of bed at 8am, to clean up my room before heading to lectures. My dad came in the evening and took me out to supper. I almost got us lost but my dad patiently explained how to use my phones GPS, and the basic art of map reading, and basically took over and got us to the right place. I know, even after being here a year I am still hopelessly unfamiliar with this city. Its embarrassing for me because I know it shows how little I go out, how little I do with my life, and I can’t help but get anxious about my dad disapproving over it, becoming concerned about it. This place I had chosen was thankfully a nice place, not expensive, but nicer than the average student can afford, and so it wasn’t a problem that it was a Friday night in the city, when all the students come out to be as obnoxious as possible. I had been nervous about that too.

We went to eat Malay food, something both of us had never done, and we were both noticeably nervous about the whole affair. I was especially nervous, being the one who asked to go. Thankfully, it turned out to be good. The waitress was sweet, obviously malaysian, and obviously used to dealing with clueless patrons, and talked us through everything. My dad had these savoury pancakes for starters, followed by beef redang, and I had chicken satay followed by a chicken curry. The food was ridiculously delicious, although very hot and spicy, strong flavoured, the after taste lingering for hours afterwards. It was fun sitting there being able to complain to my dad about my exams and finally being able to confess my fears of failure to someone. I was strangely chatty, almost hyper, though and I wonder if I said too much. Even now I am afraid of telling my parents too much. There are things I prefer them not to know, and I wonder if sometimes I let those things slip out. I’m not exactly good at keeping my own secrets. Sometimes there are so many things I want to say, sometimes I just want to be listened to, and so I end up spilling things to all the wrong people.

Afterwards we went back to my room and my dad started taking some of my stuff, so that there won’t be as much to bring back when my sister comes to pick me up later. Then we sat and ate ice cream before he had to go. He’s going away on a business trip soon, so I won’t be seeing him for a while now. In the parking lot I waved him off as he was driving and he paused a moment to take my hand, briefly holding on, saying something stupid I can’t remember before letting go. I remember laughing, because those stupid things my dad say always make me laugh, because I can see him teasing me and the affection behind it. No matter how old I get I’ll always be his little girl, and I realised just how much I love my father and how grateful I am for him. I hope he knows that. Before he came I was feeling angry with him for many reasons, old hurts coming to the surface, childish emotions that I somehow can’t seem to shake off. But after seeing him again I feel even more childish for such thoughts, and I’m relieved I did not say anything hurtful to him. At the end of the day my father is just doing the best he can for our family. I know that. I understand. And I won’t let myself get angry over stupid things again.

Those few hours were a relief, a moment to lay my childish anger to rest once more, and many more away from the constant worry over exams. Now, I am back to being stressed and anxious. I have just this one exam to go now. Yet, I just can’t seem to bring myself to work for it.

I’m still longing for home, for escape.

I don’t want to be alone right now. The thought hits me suddenly. But the walls I built to keep people out were very effective.

Listening To: Taru - If not now
mood: sad

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