misc – Page 15 – Honest Lies

T-ARA, Like the First time – Currently hooked on this song. It’s different. The song is sexy and mature without being desperate about it/throwing it in your face. I really hate the rap section though- it sounds so out of place. It also kind of takes away some of the individuality of the song and reminds me of how formulaic kpop is; even if the sound changes the basic structure is the same :| I also think the MV is dissapointing. It has nothing to with the song for one, and I hate the sort of story line is depicts for two. Still- nothing can change my love for this song- its addictive as anything. XD

like grains of sand
Watched Grains of Sand tonight. It has been on my too watch list for an insanely long time but I kept putting it off. Currently I have a lot of free time and a lot of motivation to distract myself as much as possible so I have been catching up on said too watch list. Tonight I decided to watch this movie. I wasn’t sure what to expect of it but I wasn’t expecting to enjoy it as much as I did. The film dragged on at first but once it got going it was engrossing and moving. It was very minimal, barely an OST and very much slice of life. The depiction of Japanese teenagers is true to life in an almost painful way- there’s no glamorous angst or ridiculous plot lines. Just teenagers on the brisk of becoming adults struggling to deal with themselves in real circumstance. I will admit it was difficult to really grasp what was going on at points and I almost hated the end. Much like eternal summer there is no set beginning, middle, end. You’re sort of stuck into the middle of the story, left to figure it on your own and there is no set resolution. Thankfullly due to Eternal Summer I am no longer as frustrated with open endings anymore. Also it’s got to be said Hamasaki Ayumi in this film is so young and a surprisingly good actress. I wonder why she did not go into acting.

Lastly- this film was surprisingly like Eternal Summer. The triangly between 2 girls and a boy, the scene on the motorbike, the ending scene at the beach. Ok so I can only name three things. Still. The difference I think is in how less sexual grains of sand is and how much more real it feels, Eternal Summer felt somewhat detached from reality compared to grains of sand which is firmly rooted in the real world, and the real world plays a crucial part in how things played out.

So yeah. Grains of Sand became an instant favourite. I will be watching it again some time to see what else I can pick up that I may have missed before. :D

“All these things that should make me stronger only hurt me”

I’m feeling really tired of myself right now. I’m tired of blurting out stupid things, I’m tired of not knowing when to shut up, I’m tired of being awkward, I’m tired of being shy. I wish I was one of those people who knew what to say and when, who knew how to carry a conversation, who knew what things are best left unsaid. I am so far from that person: I’m an awkward little fucker and I hate myself for it. It’s not cool or funny to be socially awkward, it is stressful and depressing, living each day with so many regrets, so much damn if only I said that instead of what I did or If only I didn’t say that. I can’t help but get worked up over it because that’s the sort of person I am- I worry and I regret and I am unreasonably harsh on myself. I beat myself up over small things and turn mountains into mole hills. Most of the time I deal with it, I force myself to rationalise my thoughts, move on and let go, but sometimes I get tired and it all catches up to me and I just want to curl up and sleep and hope that when I wake up it will all magically be better.

On Tuesday I had a presentation to give with a few other people in front of our group and I got so nervous and I messed up, I know I did and most likely let my group down. Later that day I met up with one of my friends from highschool to go to the cinema and it was supposed to be brilliant but it all went wrong. First I was late and then it was even more awkward between me and my friend than I remembered and it wasn’t her fault the evening sucked, it was all me. I just didn’t know what to say or how to act. Yesterday, I had my last day of university. The night before I was sad and I hated myself and I thought to myself that I’d like it very much just to sleep and not bother to go in on Wednesday for my morning lecture. I didn’t want to see anyone. I set my alarms anyway and told myself to stop being stupid, that I can’t miss lectures just because I feel a little down. Come Wednesday I woke up at midday with the vague sense of waking earlier- I slept through my alarms and missed the last day of semester 1. Not so secretly I was relieved. Yesterday and today I spent indoors wasting time, glad to be able to avoid people and responsibility. I can look forward to this peace of being by myself for a good few weeks more until Semester 2 starts next year and it all starts again- having to deal with the world and all those people it contains. It stresses me out and I hate myself for it.

Listening To: Mirage of Blaze OST
mood: sad

I saw Deathly Hallows yesterday. This was one of my favourite scenes. I didn’t find the movie boring but I didn’t find it particularly interesting either. I agree with people who say this was a very dark film. There were some really moving bits, some funny bits to lighten the mood, and a bit of meh I’m hungry can I go home now? It was very, very pretty. I did find it more than a little weird how they were trekking through the woods looking clean, healthy and fashionable. Hermione’s hair was absolutely prefect the entire time and her clothes were gorgeous. umm….what? YOU’RE RUNNING FOR YOUR LIVES, you should not look so gorgeous doing so. That little thing bugged me a lot more than it should have. I haven’t read the books in years so I cannot compare. It was OK. Worth watching I’d say and I guess I will watch part 2 when it is released next year.

average

Today I was in the library with my group. We have this presentation to work on so our class has been split into smaller groups. I am in a group with the single other girl in my class, and 3 other boys. So we were sitting in the library and suddenly this guy goes to me “so 90.” and I don’t get it at first but soon I realise they were talking about a piece of coursework we’d had to do recently. I had gotten a 91/100. Pretty good and yes I did feel proud, and relieved because I had been expecting to fuck it up. My tutor had even praised me about it. I felt good about it. Until today.

Turns out the boys know my mark. This is where I get flustered and embarrassed. They tease me calling me “genius.” and teasing me that I should do their work for them. We joke around- I say yes I’ll do their work on their presentation if they pay me (jokingly) and they agree (jokingly). They all seem a bit shocked at my mark and I don’t get it, not really, but OK, fine I’ll go along with their teasing because the aren’t being sinister. Inside though it was everything I didn’t want to hear. Fine, be impressed but please don’t treat me like I’m some kind of genius. I’m no better than you guys. I’ve spent years watching my friends get A’s, listening them to complain about getting a B in a test whilst sitting there with my U. Feeling proud of myself when I go from a U to a E to then see them gushing about how they got an A and feeling like a failure. They were clever. They could procrastinate and still get bloody A’s. I’ll never be that person. I am not clever. I failed my A levels and to get into university (at first.) I failed my music exams, one music exam I failed twice. Do not call me a genius because it hurts, even if you’re just teasing me. It reminds me of everything I am not and never will be and everything I want to be. I struggle, I don’t get things at first, I make stupid mistakes, I need to read the guidelines/question over and over before I know what I need to do. I don’t know how to study effectively, even after years of schooling nor do I know how to revise effectively for exams. I make mistakes, I repeat mistakes and maybe I will then succeed, maybe then I won’t. I’m terrible at exams, at remembering information and repeating it. I am not clever. Hell I’m not even that much of a hard worker.

I am going to start to really struggle next semester when things get tougher, hell I’m struggling right now with the technical reports we’ve got to do. And I am trying not to think about how difficult first year engineering will eventually be.

I’m never going to be intelligent and I’m still dealing with that. So don’t even tease me about this one fluke of a good coursework. Believe me when the exam results come out, and the marks for the lab reports come out you’ll see exactly how pathetically average I am.

Listening To: ZARD- Good-bye my Loneliness
mood: tired

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