misc – Page 10 – Honest Lies

Strange

Today as I was sitting in Japanese class I looked over at the desk in front of me and saw a little notepad with the 4minute and beast logos on it. When the girl came back I caught her attention and asked if she was a fan of kpop.

So today I talked to someone about kpop, for what must be the first time since I got into it. It was surreal listening to her talk about the concerts she has been to and all her friends who are into it too, or will happily listen to her talk about it. Now I kinda feel like crying. I wonder what it is like to be part of a group of fans of something, rather than always be on the outside looking in. Unable to fit in. I will always be a little envious of those little groups. I wonder what its like to not feel embarrassed about your hobbies, like the music I listen to and the dramas I watch are anything to be ashamed about. I don’t know when I learned to be ashamed of these things, or why. Just I know I will never be able to ask that girl to tell me more about the clubs she goes to, and the things she does. It won’t feel right. I’m used to keeping these things to myself by now. I’ve long gotten used to being alone, and somewhere along the line I began to enjoy it. It’s more comfortable this way.

I remember that time I went to the anime club meeting, and how awful I felt afterwards. How little I enjoyed being there. I feel like that now. At least I managed the conversation with this girl. At least I somehow managed to pull it off. It felt so strange to say those names out loud. Man, I don’t know why I asked her if she was a kpop fan. Why did I do that?

Listening To: MISS A - lips
mood: anxious

ten

“Why did my happiness disappear at once? Nobody answered. And nobody will answer.”

Korean drama TEN has to be the best crime series I’ve seen in a while. Dark and moody, it doesn’t shy away from the sort of horrific crimes that other shows are often too tame to depict. The first episode was an hour long special that felt like watching a movie. At first I was bored and I thought I had it all figured out, but of course I didn’t. The ending hit me hard, and I ended up in tears. Its been a long time since a drama or movie left me feeling so devastated. The drama is beautifully shot, with a wonderful OST and surprisingly good acting. I liked all the characters and wanted to know more of them. The second episode was more creepy than the first, but I still ended up heart broken and in tears.

Sadly as the episodes went on I lost that emotional connection with it. I still loved it, the crimes were still well thought out, the show was still beautiful to look at and the OST was still carefully chosen and always appropriate. But somehow the later episodes just didn’t connect like the first two. And the cracks began to show- mainly a problem a lot of these shows have, in setting up amazing characters and yet…never quite fleshing them out. Taunting viewers with snippets, bits and pieces, but never quite following up. Well, I lie. They shoved all the back story into the very last episode. Which was jarring to say the least. There were definitely some issues with pacing towards the end.

And I ended up feeling let down by Ji Hoon’s back story and the reason behind how he is. I loved his somewhat unstable nature- “the monster who hunts monsters”- and to see it all reduced to the classic cliché of well, you’ll see. I hate that cliché, or rather I hate the way it is used. I am now halfway through the last episode and can’t bring myself to finish it. I do still hope there is a second season though. This is one series very worthy of it. And maybe the characters will be better developed over time.

(Really, I just want something on the level of the first episode. That episode came very close to being perfect.)

The one where I can never seem to say the right thing

I’m so sick of embarrassing myself with the things I say and do. I just, I can be such an idiot. I function best with a backspace, you know? And I feel like there is a whole list of social rules that I do not know, and constantly trample on. All the little underlying meanings to what people say and do are totally lost on me. And don’t get me started on how much I hate small talk. Small talk has to be the most baffling thing on the planet. How does a single “How are you?” lead to a conversation? :/ And then, even things like asking for help in labs is so anxiety inducing and I usually end up feeling embarrassed and miserable afterwards.

I am constantly left feeling like an idiot, regretting saying and doing the things that I do. Wishing I’d said or done differently, thinking of all the things I should have said or done when its too late. And I know I make a big deal out of small things, but I can’t shake the feeling that all these small things are adding up in peoples mind to form a really bad impression. I bet people think I’m a little weird. I don’t want them to think that, obviously. I really do hate interacting with people. It makes me want to curl up in bed and never leave.

Also, it gets old very quickly being one of around 10 girls on my course. I stand out so much already that I feel like I should be pretty and clever and social so that I stand out in the best way. :/ I wish more girls did engineering. Why don’t more girls want to do engineering?

Listening To: Kozi - Promenade
mood: anxious

blouberg beach
Recently, my father let me buy some South African food online, from a shop based in London. After much indecision and being horrified by how much it would cost for 6 cans of grapetizer (and disappointed that the koeksisters were sold out cos I could totally do with those. I’d feel totally ill, but it would be worth it) I managed to put together an order which came last week. Imagine me lugging this heavy box all the way from the reception to my room, unable to stop grinning. Then imagine this huge, heavy box of food for just one person. I felt greedy for a moment, then I dug in and regretted nothing.

Now, a week later, my stash is rapidly decreasing. I am not happy to see the empty packets; I have become accustomed to being able to snack on biltong, droewors and buttermilk rusks as I please. It is taking all my willpower to ration the rest of the stash. I love South African food. Not just this ‘specialist’ stuff that I probably wouldn’t eat that often if I still lived there, but just…everything. I always seem to eat better when I go home. There is not as much choice in South African super markets compared to here in the UK, but sometimes I wonder if that is a good thing. Hmm. I also miss my grandmothers cooking. I’d love to eat my Granny’s macaroni cheese right now, followed by pudding of chocolate chip yogurt, and then my other Granny makes the most amazing bran muffins that she would heat up for us for breakfast. There is nothing quite like a homemade bran muffin slathered in butter. Yum. (They don’t even get bran muffins in this country. At least, I have never seen them. And I can’t seem to make them properly. D: )

(Two entries in a row about food, but to be fair the diet is hard and I am hungry, but hungry because I am bored and hungry as in fighting cravings for chocolate and cake. :/)

(Photo is of Blouberg beach at sunset, taken in toy camera mode)

The One With the Failed Diet

When I was looking at accommodation for uni I automatically drifted towards catered accommodation- it seemed more private, closer to uni, breakfast and dinner provided, £5.10 a day to spend at any uni food outlet, room and bathroom cleaned. It seemed great, and it wasn’t much more expensive than self catered. So far its been fine. But this food thing? Bit not good.

I never really talk about this on the blog, and I’m not sure if I should, seeing so it may make seem a little crazy but here we go.

I have never had a good relationship with food. I don’t like to eat- I’m really weird about food, like if I don’t like the smell or the texture or the way it looks then I can’t bring myself to eat it. My parents used to have to force me to eat when I was little, and spent years bargaining with me to finish just half of what’s on your plate, Catherine. I’m sure I should of outgrown it but I never did. I still pick at my food, and my portion sizes are half the size, even the quarter the size of other peoples yet it takes me longer than them to eat. I also developed the tendency to associate food with comfort instead of nutrition. At one point when I was depressed I was eating so little, and at the same time so much of the wrong things (aka skipping supper and filling up on chocolate instead) that I ended up underweight. That was part of my wake up call and so I simply forced myself to eat- even if I didn’t like it, even if I didn’t want to. And I got good. I learned to eat and I put the weight back on. Last year, last academic year, I was eating three meals a day, I was having just one chocolate bar a week and one packet of crisps a week (that sounds bad but to go from one meal a day, if that, and to having one bar of chocolate a day, if not more, it makes you feel proud to end up at that place). Sure, it wasn’t an amazing diet, but I was proud of where I had ended up. I was in control of my diet. I was doing well and I was going to keep progressing, getting better.

But last Semester I fucked up. I justified it- the first time living away from home, the stress of adjusting to uni. OK, I said, but I made a goal- I would do better this semester. Alas.

Now? Now I have completely lost that control, and it doesn’t seem to be coming back any time soon. University catered meals are frankly, gross, especially for someone as fussy as me. I thought having meals provided for me would encourage me to eat, but it does the opposite- I skip supper at least three times a week, and often just substitute for snacking or nothing at all. I keep some food in my room but they’re snacks, mostly, and I can’t really get fresh fruit and veg easily- such things are expensive, and go off quickly. And that £5.10? Pure temptation and for someone as weak willed as me, especially when I’m stressed out or anxious, which is often, I end up spending it on things I shouldn’t. In my effort to start working I have been going to the library again- and I’ll end up buying a hot chocolate because I’m cold, and a brownie or a muffin just because I have some money left over. When I’m between lectures I need something quick to snack on because I’m hungry and I don’t have time so I end up grabbing a packet of chips or a brownie or something else ridiculous. Its so easy to give in temptation when you have the means. Last year in an effort to save money every day I went into uni I made myself sandwiches, on whole wheat seeded bread , and packed a little something with that and that was lunch. No snacking, unless I’d brought one. My only treats would be the occasional pizza slice or ice cream. And of course I was at home, which meant I could cook for myself, or eat my parents cooking, and have access to whatever i wanted, including lots of good stuff. It was reasonably easy to keep myself in check.

I long to have that control back. But I feel like its out of my hands. A large part of the forcing myself to eat was learning to cook, making my own suppers, putting together my own lunches, so that I could see and track exactly what I was eating. How do I do that at uni? I am lazy and stressed and I have £5.10 to spend on what I want and so I do. This is problematic. I am currently anaemic, again.I don’t feel good. I need to do something about this.I need to start forcing myself to eat things I hate again because I am not getting enough vitamins, minerals..anything. But I severely lack willpower. And I really like hot chocolate.

I read this blog post and it made me feel a lot better. In the end I need to accept that I have messed up but its not too late. I need to stop resisting, making all these excuses. I just need to do it because I can. I did it once and I can do it again. The diet may be failed now, but it doesn’t have to stay that well. It goes back on my list of goals for this semester. I will start by taking baby steps- like working on cutting down the chips first- and then go from there.

Listening To: CHI CHI - longer
mood: tired

Tags

Categories

Archives

Blogroll