every day life – Page 37

Thinking Out Loud

I am currently…

□ eating some Droste extra dark chocolate. It’s so bitter and utterly delicious. My dad recently came back from a business trip to South Africa and bought lots of edible things from there, and the Droste he bought as he changed over at Schiphol. :D

□ thinking of re-learning how to crochet…again. I learned it when I was child, and again when I was a slightly older child and although it was exciting at the time I never actually did anything with the skill and quickly forgot it. For some reason I want to start again. I don’t know why. I’m just bored and looking for things to do with my time. I should really learn how to knit because there’s a hobby which will be somewhat useful (I could make scarves! and hats!) Alas, I cannot knit to save my life. So, crocheting. Yay? Nay? I could totally crochet a scarf…is that possible? idek. Maybe I’ll start cross-stitching again or finish off the millions of unfinished got-bored-of-it cross stitch projects I have lying around (I have a short attention span when it comes to 80% of my hobbies. I cannot do the same thing for too long before I get bored and give up. I know that is a less than desirable quality to have.)

□ thinking about driving and how I should have really been done with my theory test by now and well into practical lessons. I am wondering if I am being an idiot for not taking the chance to learn to drive this year, and if it’s already too late, and if it even matters and at the end of the day. I don’t actually want to learn to drive…I just feel I have to. But do I? Can’t I rely on public transport, as much as I hate it? I will admit for the first time that driving completely petrifies me. The fact that if I got distracted just for one second that I could kill someone(s)…petrifies me. Having that much responsibility is not something I want. I don’t know. I go over it again and again in me head Should I? Shouldn’t I? and in the end nothing gets done. At this rate I don’t think I’ll be learning to drive until I’m in my twenties. Is there anything wrong with that? Should I be ashamed of that? I don’t know anyone else my age who hasn’t already gotten their drivers out the way already :/

□ Reading Happily Ever After by Adele Geras and The Cup of the World by John Dickinson. The former is boring me so I began the latter. I am disappointed in Happily Ever After as Troy by the same author is one of my favourite books ever, and although Happily Ever After is beautifully written the story…feels flat. I am bored of it. I don’t get love at first sight and love that consumes you so totally that you would sacrifice anything for it. I don’t know, I guess I just don’t know much about love in the end. The Cup of the World I am re-reading. I adore this book. It is wonderfully written and the medieval world with just a little touch of magic, romance, and a load of political intrigue is everything I search for in a book. I cannot wait to get through the rest of the medieval trilogy by this author.

□ Worrying about how in a moment of stupidity because of being sleepy from painkillers and boredom I signed myself up to go to the 21st birthday party of a dude in my class. So lets get this straight: it’s a) a party b) for someone I don’t know c) with loads of people I don’t know. Why did I put my name down?! D: I am currently hoping he’ll check tomorrow we are all still up for it and I can make excuses, or I’ll text him on…Friday the night before and say “Something came up!” or “I’m currently and not at all conveniently sick!” idek. I might just not show up: I highly doubt anyone would notice or even care if I wasn’t there. I don’t really have any friends in my class. Most likely cos I’m awkward and unfriendly and slightly weird (not to mention boring and totally uncool). To be honest, I’d much rather stay this anti-social for the time being. There’s a certain safety in being alone.

□ Worked up over the whole university thing and what the hell am I going to do next year?. I have visited two universities thus far and I think I have an idea of where I want to go next year but nothing is set in stone. Not to mention I need the grades. I am constantly thinking about this, constantly worrying. What do I want? Where do I want to go? Why do I want to go there? Can I acheive the grades required? I wish I could switch my thoughts off but the more I try not to think about it the more I do.

My thoughts are all over the place- one moment here, the next moment there. Over-thinking is a terrible, terrible thing. I shall now eat more chocolate and watch something fun in an attempt to distract myself.

Listening To: Taru - KASIO
mood: content

Looking at my schedule you’d think I lead a very busy life- oh you’re out the house from 7am until 6pm? Some days I leave the house and come back in the dark and I really hate that. However I’m not busy; I seem to spend most of the time on the train. Last week was hell- with me having to go in every ay last week, including commuting into Liverpool on Friday for a half-hour maths test (a collective three hours to get there and back, it doesn’t seem worth it does it? Though I did pass, which is good). It makes me so tired. I should spend this time well but I don’t have the energy. This week its a little different. Still involves commuting every day but I don’t actually have university on Wednesday or Friday. Tomorrow I am going to see my best friend in Nottingham, and on Friday I am going to Edinburgh. I’m so excited for tomorrow! I cannot wait to see my best friend: to catch up with her, to see a little part of her uni life, going to yo! sushi together. It should be fun! I’m looking forward to Friday in a way too. Edinburgh! I hear so many good things about that city yet I’ve never really been (as in I visited when I was too young to remember). Even though that means even longer train travel- 2.5 hours to Nottingham, 3 hours to Edinburgh. I am turning into a zombie here- like one of those blank faced, bored business people that I see every day at the train station. :/

Everyday

Woke up at 9am. Left the house at 10:15am. Walk into the train station and the station master was in the process of moving a bookshelf into the station waiting room. Stood Awkwardly, hovering as I waited and tried not to get in the way. Station master began to chat to me explaining the whole bookshelf thing and I must surely have won an award for the most unenthusiastic “oh. wow.” ever. Awkward one sided conversation was awkward. Arrived in Liverpool at 12:10pm. Trudged to University. Barely any free spaces in lecture hall, ended up sitting next to the four people I would have really liked not to. Stared at floor, out the window, took my time taking my books out my bag, wishing they wouldn’t notice me. They noticed me. Had awkward non-conversation with them. Wished the floor would swallow me whole. Lecture start. Stared at the front of the room with all the appearance of listening intently to my lecturer, letting all the information wash over me. Let it hit me that I’m back, this is it. Everything is just the same. Had 10 minute break after an hour of listening to lecturer attempting to motivate us to work hard- “Think of the future! Think of your great paycheck when you eventually become an engineer! There is a lack of engineers, you know! THINK OF THE FUTURE!” (I don’t think he was succeeding). Stood up, realised I had no one to talk to or anywhere to go. Pulled out phone and pretended to be texting. Break over. Counted down the hours, the minutes. Lecture over. Walked to shop in a quest for chocolate. Walked back to uni. Lecture two. New lecturer who has a really thick accent and has a weird teaching technique- one of those teachers who believe everyone should participate and screw different learning styles. New lecturer who doesn’t ask you to be quiet or pay attention just says “Hello” a lot then repeats it until we shut up “Hello, Hello, HELLO“. It reminded me of this weird thing my old head master used to do in the end of term assemblies: he’d raise his hand, expecting everyone to raise their hand and shut up in the process. It was ineffective, more amusing than something that would gain respect and silence, as is the hello guy’s way of getting us to shut up. Stared at front and put my “I’m listening intently not falling asleep with my eyes open” face on again as lecturer launched into a lecture without any introduction to what we are learning. Felt like I was attempting to learn advanced french when I didn’t even know the basics. Counted down the hours, then minutes. Lecture over. Raced to train station. Sank into my seat on the train and stared out the window, feeling tired and vaguely depressed. Went to bed too late after hours of fucking around doing nothing. Woke up after getting two or 3 hours sleep. Dark, cold, the incessant ringing of my alarm too loud in the silence. Rushed around trying to get ready, practically ran to the station. Train. Then university. Labs. Found myself working with someone I actually liked, for once. Labs are something I always dread but today they were OK. We finished early. Sat around discussing work with two people in my class for a bit until tutorial. Tutorial over and then on the Train, again. Stared enviously at guy across the aisle’s lunch; burger king, or perhaps McDonald’s. Looked down miserably at my own measly cheese sandwich, slightly stale, and three biscuits. Guy from my class came on train, we met eyes and I looked away, buried my face into my magazine and hoped he didn’t see me. Eventually, home.

Two days pass in the blink of an eye. Every day is just the same.

I’m tired, and I’m bored.

University has been OK though. After all that end of holidays panic, you end up slipping back into the routine pretty easily…

Listening To: JUJU- Girls never give up
mood: exhausted

“Dont hesitate, take your first step forward”

What do you know, it’s already the 9th of January of 2011.

Nothing feels different you know.

I had my first and only exam on the 6th of January. It crept up on me a little too quickly. It was somewhat strange waking up at 6am again and trudging through the dark, quiet streets at 7am to get to the train station, sitting on the train again, being in Liverpool again. Then there was the exam. The good? Was the atmosphere. University exams are different from A levels. At A levels you’d have to put your bag in a different room, hand in your phone, find where you’re sitting. Then when you’re finally sitting down you’d end up sitting there for a good 10/20 minutes as the papers are handed out and then listening to the examiners as they went through all the rules and what you had to do, as well as listen to the rules of all the other exams. Meanwhile you’re just sitting there getting more and more nervous wanting the exam to just start already. They don’t baby you like that at University. The papers are put out before hand. You go in, put your bag down at the front, turn your phone off (and you can keep it on you) and you sit wherever you want. You fill out a little form with your details, put your student ID on the desk, fill out the front of the paper. Once everyone is there and settled the exam just starts. Its much more efficient and involved a lot less waiting around getting nervous (the only wait was before the exam cos I got there at 9am when the exam started at 9:30am). The exam itself wasn’t great; the questions were strange. And I got really bored about half way through cos I was already 97% finished which left me with an hour to check, recheck, stare round at other people, recheck, stare at the law posters on the walls, recheck, watch my lecturers as they paced through the rows and passed by me, recheck. It was awfully dull, and I was exhausted due to the fact I couldn’t sleep the night before and I had to wake up so early, leaving me surviving on two hours of sleep and some cereal.

In short I probably did badly but I was too tired to really care.

Afterwards I went shopping, wanting to get some bargains in the jan sales. It started out fun and got terribly boring. I don’t find shopping fun. Sure, I love that feeling when you find that perfect item for the perfect price but its such a chore to find it. I hate searching for items, finding something but its not the right price or the right size or it looks really terrible. Not to mention I was jeans shopping which meant lugging 10 pairs of jeans (really just 3 different styles in a variety of colors) into the changing rooms, cutting it down to 3 for further consideration, gathering all my stuff and going out the changing room, getting more styles and colors and sizes, rinse and repeat. It was annoying and tedious. After two hours I ended up with one pair of jeans and a top. Not successful as I would have liked but not bad.

The past few days have been spent trying to ignore the fact that I go back to university on Monday and that I have two pieces of coursework in for Friday I have yet to complete.

I’m not really looking forward to starting university again tomorrow.

Listening To: KRA - artman
mood: bored

Bo Peep Bo Peep Bo Peep

For the first time last year (this year?) I went somewhere for new years.

I know right?

I went to my bests friends house for the evening. My best friend was there and 3 others. It was a small gathering but it was nicer for that. We played games- first a game of Articulate where I’m sure I got a little over-excited/loud and my team still lost miserably, then a game of pictionary that dragged on forever although my team did win despite my poor friend laughing in helpless despair at my strange drawings that didn’t seem at all related to the question (she didn’t understand my artistic vision :P). We talked a lot and ate lots of food (chocolate is food). I enjoyed hearing about their university experiences. Unlike me they are all having the full uni experience of living away from home. My one friend goes to university in London which is quite exicting; I’m making a mental note to visit her sometime! The train to London can be cheap but accommodation is always expensive- not anymore! XD Three out of four of my friends say they aren’t enjoying uni, and two of my friends say they are struggling to make friends. The latter scares me the most because I’m 10 times more awkward and anti-social than them, and I have weirder hobbies (they like popular TV and books. I like Japanese/Korean shit that no one has heard of). Conclusion: I am going to die when/if I leave home. D: I have no friends right now but its ok because I can just come home and retreat to my room, instead of being in a flat/hall of people I am awkward around.

As new years approached we got out glow sticks, party poppers and a bottle of bucks fizz. We gathered round the TV and watched the count down in London, then the fireworks. Soon after I left. I felt unwell the whole night, and moody so I felt a bit awkward but it was still somewhat fun. I wish I could’ve drunk (not because I’m some kind of crazed alcoholic but because it may have helped me loosen help…or turned me more moody. Either way I would have risked it for the chance to loosen up a little). Unfortunately I was on strong pain killers which meant I had to be very careful. And said painkillers despite being strong don’t work that well which meant I was in a lot of pain the whole evening. Feeling unwell was the only thing that I hated about last night and maybe my lack of brain to mouth filter. I’m still such an awkward person. I worry about what others think and whether they really want me there. I can’t help it, paranoid thoughts like that come as naturally as breathing. :( It was much nicer to be around my friends though than being surrounded by strangers at University. My friends by now have some understanding of how odd I am and if they are still putting up with me I must be doing something right.

Lastly me and my friends decided we’d write down three goals for 2011 to stash away until next new years, then see then if we’d kept them. There’s a lot that could go wrong with that but still, it was fun. I only have one real goal this year, so I made up two silly ones to make up the full number XD My goals were thus:

1. Get into first year engineering. The important and most obvious and the one I really need to focus on. My one friend is doing the course I want and she hates it so I am nervous about it but at the same time its something I want to do and I have come too far now to turn back. I’ve paid my dues and I’m hoping, a little desperately, that this will be my year to succeed. At the same time I know it rests a lot on myself and my attitude. I am constantly trying to find the motivation to get motivated (coffee man!) but that isn’t good enough. I need to do well in my foundation degree.

(She says whilst procrastination from her work…)

2. Read all of Haruki Murakami’s books. I love Haruki Murakami. Kafka on the Shore was amazing and I vowed to read the rest but alas I never got round to it. His books are much more expensive than the usual 90’s fantasy books I buy for 1p+150p shipping. The most I spend on books is 400p usually. Murakamis are about 500p or often more. Either way I must read them all!

(My pound sign on my keyboard is broken. Deal with me writing in pence!)

3. Get 3rd piercing. I have long decided I want 3 piercings. Why? No reason, I just like the number three. I finally got the second piercing in my ear this year but I want to get my nose pierced still. I’ve been putting it off though because I’m not sure how professional it is. Its all very well for university but how will it affect me when I want to get a job? I want to work in a professional environment and thus I will need to look it. A nose piercing is pricey, painful and takes a long time to heal (which means having to clean it everyday for months, not a job to take lightly) so I’m not just getting it only to let it heal in a few years. Which means I’m thinking of either a 3rd piercing in my ear or reevaluating my stance on body piercings. I’m not a fan of belly button piercings (and nipple piercings are just D:) but they are discreet. I now have all of this year to ponder it and then go for it!

These aren’t resolutions. The first one is a necessity and the other two are just silly. It will be amazing if we actually do have a similar gathering next year and remember about these (and find they haven’t been lost in Narnia or thrown away) and get to look back.

Happy new years everyone! : )

Listening To: T-ARA- Bo Peep Bo Peep
mood: sick

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