every day life – Page 36

ONE ROOM DISCO

Today was good. Like there are days which start great and trip up somewhere along the way and end up stumbling along endlessly. Then there are days which start off a bit iffy, become quite good then fall flat on their face and severely hurt themselves and suddenly all you want to do is curl up in bed and hide. Something like that. I must be in the mood for strange metaphors. Anyway. Talking about days which fall flat would be last Friday. I had a maths test which I was petrified about, as maths tends to spark that reaction in me. It’s like I can do it but only certain questions. I don’t learn the maths, I learn how to answer the questions. I crunch numbers with very little understanding of why. (woot, future engineer here. Aren’t I great?) Thus if a question comes up that I have not memorized the exact method for I am doomed. Clearly there must be something in this method as I’ve passed every maths test so far, and I miraculously passed that one too. After passing it I of course felt all proud of myself and energetic and so I went home looking forward to just chilling and relaxing and I naively assumed the day would continue to be awesome. Clearly I was setting myself up for something terrible to come along and surprise me.

I ended up bumping into some high school acquaintances on the train. Recall: I was an outsider in high school. I had no presence, I was shy and awkward and slightly weird. I was on the outside of the outsider group. These girls where part of the popular group, the ones that got noticed. As I caught sight of them I had a moment of panic and I looked away, thinking they wouldn’t recognise me, they wouldn’t see me…they saw me. Commence awkward non conversation which soon fizzled out and we went to politely ignoring each other. It was awkward, sitting there across from them wishing the train would hurry up, hurry up, hurry up, knowing it wouldn’t. Some of the worst 10 minutes of my life right there. Also- why the day when I looked awful? I had literally thrown on the baggiest jersey I own and a pair of jeans, I had a massive spot forming on my face… I was tired and my hair needed washing. You always hope that when you eventually bump into those kind of high school acquaintances, the popular pretty confident ones, that you’ll be dazzle them somehow- something, I don’t even know what, would be different and would make them stop and go, wow she’s changed in the really good way. Alas life has a way of going HAHA AS IF, bitch. Fuck it.

Fast forward. This week was rather mundane, ordinary. I bought a perfect pair of shoes on Monday! £8 and wide fit. Hell yeah. This brings the amount of shoes to a grand total of around 7 and making my new shoes the first brown shoes I own. (I love the idea of owning loads of shoes but shopping for them is usually quite painful.) But that was the only thing that could possibly stand out from these past few days. Whoever said the life of a student was exciting clearly had never been one.

And so. Today. Yes, this post might have some kind of point (I don’t even know. I’m just meandering all over the place here. Take a drink for every time I say “Anyway”, “I don’t (even know)”…might make reading this a whole lot more interesting… )

Today I finished up my Engineering Solutions module- aka the let’s build a model car! module. We had actually built the car and thus we just needed to do a presentation on it and then demonstrate it today. I was part scared part whatever I don’t even care anymore. Also slightly unnerving was the amount of good lucks I got from people. One or two is like “aww that’s sweet”. 4 or 5 is more like “OK do you people view me as the black hole of the group? Do I have some kind of permanent deer in headlights look on my face? WHAT IS IT” I actually managed to not stutter and to speak reasonably clearly and say non-stupid relevant things aka I totally aced it, sorta, I think I did. My teammates also did good . I think we did quite well! Though the teammate I hate forgot about me when he did his section. He said that two of our group mates built the car and the other two did the electronics. WHAT ABOUT ME? Way to completly underestimate the fact that I had actually bothered to come to every session, unlike him, and actually did my bit thank you very much. I almost let the shock show on my face but managed to control it. Really I wanted to hit him. He made excuses later that he was thinking something else. Yeah, right. Gosh I’m so glad not to be working with this guy anymore. He treats me like I am thissmall and makes jokes that really aren’t funny, the type of jokes that are basically masquerading as joke so he can say horrible things. Ugh. After the presentation we demonstrated our car and lol our car was so slow and ugly compared to other and it wouldn’t stop- it hit the wall D: After that all the groups banded together and we raced all the cars in the hallway. Safe to say ours didn’t get very far. It was slower than slow. D: All in all a reasonably fun end to a mundane module.

Next week is the last week before we break up. That is all kinds of scary. In a few months I will be in first year D: I currently have two course works I’ve been putting off because they’re in for April 1st and I kept thinking that is ages away and I’ve got plenty of time but you know….very close now! D:

Anyway. Now I shall go exfoliate my face with delicious berry scented stuff and stick a face mask on, because I am in that kinda mood. Then I shall eat some fruit so I can feel healthy, like I’m taking care of myself (read: like those two creme eggs I ate earlier are no longer relevant).

Listening To: PERFUME - ONE ROOM DISCO
mood: relaxed

turn the lights on, turn the lights off

This weekend I went to visit my sister in Leeds as it was her birthday on Thursday. We set off late but managed to get to her house quickly. She opened her presents and thankfully she loved the Pokemon Monopoly set I’d bought her. Yes, I bought my 22 year old sister Pokemon Monopoly. Children born around the nineties- remember how in the early 2000’s those Pokemon cards were all the rage? We’d collect and swap them and play with them all the time and we’d always be trying to get the biggest collection and the best cards. My sister had a massive collection of those and she loved Pokemon a lot, though I don’t recall her ever actually watching it! Even so seeing the board she could name some of the characters and she got really excited. I also baked her 30 Romany Creams which I think she loved too. I felt proud of myself, because I usually suck at presents. There is at least one person in this world who I can buy decent things for, thankfully.

Next we headed into town. We went to the theatre to see the ballet Cleopatra. You’d think by now after being to all the theatre so many times I’d know how to dress for these things, but I regretted not dressing up just a tiny bit more. I was corrected in wearing the smartest coat I own, fine in wearing flats, but wrong in wearing jeans instead of tights under the long pink top/mini-dress I had on. I admit I look at my sister and she is so beautiful and fashionable and confident in herself that I cannot help but feel a tiny bit jealous sometimes. The ballet itself was confusing, and I wish I’d bought the programme before seeing it and not after so I could have some clue of the story. The entire time I was sat there thinking “WHO? WHAT? WHY?”. On saying that it was visually and musically gorgeous, very modern, and also very sensual…which I wasn’t really expecting. Though, to be honest I’m not sure what I was expecting. It was good though and it didn’t drag on forever and forever. The interval was about an hour in, and my sisters boyfriend bought us ice cream to eat. We chatted and my sister tried to explain what was going on, but me and her boy friend remained confused. After it had finished, and we’d gotten through the endless amount of clapping as the dancers bowed again and again, and we’d managed to worm our way out through the crowds, I bought a programme. As we all stood outside trying to decide where to go/what to do I read through the story, wondering how the hell we were supposed to know all of it from the ballet. On saying that out of the three ballets I have seen only one that has made sense to me as I watched it :/

There were limited options for what to do then as most tourist attractions closed so we trailed through town to waste some time before dinner reservations. Like most cities Leeds is not a good place on a Saturday night, as my sister and her bf admitted. All the immature students come out to be idiots. We got to the restaurant and the place was loud and packed with people but the food was decent. We also got a free bottle of sparkling wine. It was gross and made me sleepy. I do not like alcohol, still. Desert was an uncomfortable affair as the brownie I ordered was so sickly that even my sister couldn’t eat it. And my sister can usually eat anything, any quantity. I felt over stuffed and sleepy afterwards. We went back to my sisters and my parents headed off to their hotel. My sister and I put on our pajamas and lay down on her bed to watch TV for a few hours before switching the lights off. We lay side by side in the dark and talked idly about university and such things, both of us sleepy but unable to fall asleep.

Sunday I woke up to my sister snoring and before I could get back to sleep the alarm went off. Got ready and the parents came to pick us up and together we headed to Bradford to the National Media museum (The above pic was taken from inside the museum). We saw a film at the Imax theatre about the Tuna Run in South Africa which was spectacular, and less nauseating than the deep sea film I last saw at the IMAX in London. Afterwards we looked around the museum. My sister was over excited and hyped up in that childish way that she’ll probably never lose, because she can still act that way even at 22. She looked around at everything, played with all the hands-on things, took thousands of pictures, and dragged her boyfriend around with her the entire time. I spent a lot of time sat on benches waiting for my family to catch up with me who had already seen all she wanted to see, trying to be patient as it was after all my sisters weekend and thus it was only right to go with her schedule. I was actually quite happy quietly sitting there, was happy knowing my sister was enjoying herself. Admitedly was a little bored but I don’t mind doing nothing and I’m fine entertaining myself whether with my thoughts or some music or just playing on my phone. My mother came and sat down next to me multiple times and she’d break the silence with inane chatter, talk for the sake of talking and I hate that. There is nothing wrong with silence, with waiting quietly and patiently. My mother is childlike in her need for constant attention and her seeming inability just to sit still and wait. I admit I hated my moms presence that day. I’d rather sit silently by myself than suffer through some of the ridiculous conversations my mother tries to start just for the sake of talking.

We ate lunch at the museum then went to ASDA to buy my sister groceries, before going back to hers. We gathered our stuff and left soon after getting back to hers and went home.

I don’t know why but it was a bit of a shock going into university today, like that feeling you get after the holidays. Staying somewhere else makes you feel a little out of it. Today turned out to be awesome though. I left ridiculously late this morning and managed to make my train with time to spare, my first lecture ended early so I could go to Primark to buy a couple of things, my second lecture started late and finished early so I could get an early train home. And my tutorial tomorrow is cancelled so technically I don’t have to go into university, although I will go in the afternoon to do maths in the library. This week should be awesome, seeing so I have no deadlines and barely any set classes. :D

Listening To: Namie Amuro ft. After School - MAKE IT HAPPEN
mood: Relaxed

TONIGHT, SUCH A GOOD NIGHT

Semester 2 of university is beginning to wind down. It’s strange to think of how quickly this Semester is going by, how quickly the first year of university is. Labs on Tuesday morning are now finished and one part of my Engineering Solutions module is over (Engineering solutions basically being a “let’s work in groups to design and build a model solar powered car!” class which sounds a lot more fun and easy than it actually is). This means I hopefully won’t ever have to touch SolidWorks again, which is a good thing as that program is ridiculously complicated and difficult and I don’t really like the teachers for it. This also means no more 6am starts on Tuesday or Thursday, which is awesome in many ways. Maybe I will be able to feel less exhausted all the time on those days and thus I might be able to be less moody towards people on those days. Currently just have Monday afternoon lectures from 12:30 until 4pm, then a tutorial on Tuesday 11am, and practicals followed by maths on Thursdays. Between this all I have to spend hours in the library struggling with mathematics. Currently on Mathematics 3, which is the hardest unit there is. Hello, all these things I cannot do and caused me to fail my A levels. I am growing annoyed with maths and the way you have to teach yourself it all using a computer program that doesn’t teach you anything, and gives no leniency on answers you input. It feels very pointless and irritating doing maths right now. I also hate Mechanics and that shows in my generally iffy performance in anything mechanics related. I reassure myself that I am, thankfully, doing Electrical Engineering next year which means no more mechanics. I cannot wait.

I admit in all my classes I have been growing complacent, lazy. I am finally started to feel settled (‘in the routine’) and with that comes the danger of apathy. I’m trying to keep on top of things, even as part of me tells me just to give up. That part of me that belongs to the person I was and will no longer allow myself to be. It’s hard not to slip into old habits. Although I don’t think it is physically possible to stay fully alert during lectures, and I admire those who seem really into it. I typically stare out the window and let the information wash over me and only really pay attention when the teacher goes through examples. I wish lecture seats were more comfortable, but I can see why they aren’t.

I will admit I am also having one of these weeks where I just cannot bring myself to care about anything. Tests? whatever. Coursework? Whatever. I admit I really wanted to spend this weekend being bored doing nothing, although I have to go visit my sister as it was her birthday on Thursday. Meh. We’ll see how this weekend goes.

Listening To: Big Bang - HANDS UP
mood: Worried

Tai Wan Mei

My sister came home over the weekend. She came home on Saturday. Well, me and my dad went and picked her up from the station. She was tired and ratty and not altogether in a good mood. She was in such a bad mood that it was actually kind of amusing. We got home and she had things to do so we didn’t get to spend time together until Sunday. Woke up very early yesterday to catch the last, and early, showing of Tangled at the cinema. A 10.50 in the morning showing. There were a lot of kids there. A lot. We were probably the only 18 year old and 22 year old there. Oh well. I’ve been wanting to see tangled for ages and it didn’t let down! It was cheesy, ridiculous, over the top and utterly brilliant. Loved it. It was very beautiful (the scene with the lanterns *_*) and quite hilarious in parts (Flynn rider in general was kinda amusing as a character). After the cinema we went shopping and I somehow ended up with nearly £30 worth of tops. I reassure myself that they are all part of the basic wardrobe- simple cotton t-shirts and long shirts for layering or just to wear on its own. OK, so I didn’t really need them all and I am feeling extremely guilty at how easy I am being with my money. More and more I realise that it is nothing new though. I keep vowing to stop buying and I never do D: I do however find that I give in far easier around my sister. She has a habit of complaining about “why I’m not buying anything” which makes me feel like a spoil sport. That is why I like shopping alone- there’s no one to tell me to buy things just because.

Anyway. It was fun. I like being round my sister and it was so much easier than all the awkward social interactions at university. Later on Sunday I went with my dad to drop my sister off at Manchester Airport station so she could get the train home. We dropped her off and went to park the car, then found ourselves running all the way from Terminal 1 through the above-ground tunnels to the station to catch her before she left. I hate those tunnels. They seem to go on and on and on forever, never changing, and I have found myself sprinting down them too often. I am so hopelessly unfit. I felt like death as I struggled to keep running and not slow down. My stomach hurt, my legs ached and I was gasping for breath… I felt a little embarrassed that my dad didn’t struggle at all. My sister took one look at me and the state I was in and laughed. Clearly running for the train every day does not count as proper exercise (though that too makes me want to die. have you seen all the steps at lime street? THERE ARE MANY.) But I got to pull funny faces and make heart signs at my sister as we watched each other through the window of the train, waiting for it to depart, then wave her goodbye as the train left the station.

Actually whilst I was out shopping and running around airports I was supposed to be revising for my tests today. They were tiny multiple choice tests worth 10% with all formulas given and a revision lecture on each beforehand but I knew, I knew they would be horrible. Indeed, I found myself quite ARGGH about the whole thing. I will admit to giving up by the time I got to my second test, fuzzing the last 3 questions so I could get the 16.34 train and get home in time for supper. Yeah, I just didn’t care anymore. I hope I did OK, just OK. (and that 16.34 train? ended up being delayed so I missed my second train, had to get a later one and only got home at 6:10pm. That is kamma for you, isn’t it?)

This week I have more boring university and then on the weekend I am seeing my sister again.

Listening To: Alisa Mizuki - TOO SHY SHY BOY!
mood: OK

Liar

Remember that social thing I really didn’t want to go to? Well, I got out of it. How? I lied. The guy asked me if I was still going and the words came easily. “Sorry, something came up.” Of course he had to ask why. Again, the lie slipped off my tongue just like I’d rehearsed in my head many times “I’m seeing my sister.” I had hoped I wouldn’t have to provide an excuse, that “I’m busy” would do. Alas, I had to provide some reason. Immediately I felt relieved, knowing I didn’t have to go, but also guilty and panicked. I don’t like lying. Sometimes, you have to lie. Sometimes- like this time- I wonder if it would have been best if I’d been honest. But then I may have hurt his feelings or pissed him off. I don’t want to do that. Thankfully come Monday, and even now no one has further questioned anything. Good. Though I felt quite guilty and still do. I wonder too what would have happened if I went, although I know it made no difference that I was not there. I don’t have any friends in my class. I am still struggling with this whole being surrounded by strangers thing, even well into Semester 2 of university where I generally get on with the people in my class (though, still don’t really know the names of some of the people I talk to daily. Also awkward situation today- a guy sat down next to me in the library and said hello and I managed to mutter a hello back, but I have no idea who he was even if I think he is in my class? Thankfully he didn’t make further conversation. I’m not sure I could handle talking to someone when I don’t know who they are. D:) I feel nervous every day, trying to keep up when they talk to me and trying to think of the right thing to say, the best thing to say. Its not like they are horrible, I am just awkward. I don’t mind, although it makes me miss my sister and my best friend aka the people I can relax around. Also- the guys in my class talk about football. A lot. All the time. Constantly. Is this a guy thing or just because I go to university in Liverpool?

In other news I am still doing that no-poo thing. I can’t believe its only been two weeks since I stopped this shampoo thing. Sometimes I think about how great it would be to use shampoo, and other times I am all excited about this all over again. My hair is a mess, to put it bluntly. When I brush it there is this weird whitish scum that coats the brush. I think that it grease, though I don’t want to think about it too hard. It is that gross. Tomorrow I wash it, and it should be fine for a couple of days before it begins to to get greasier…and greasier…until it becomes as gross as it is now. Though it never really becomes clean even when I wash it, not like shampoo made it. My hair feels thick and heavy all the time. My fringe especially is a problem, though I thankfully have the time on Monday to give my fringe a quick rinse even if I don’t have the time to properly wash my hair in the mornings (note: I wash my hair Wednesday and Saturday mornings usually). The boar bristle brush helps, but nothing too amazing. I find as long as I keep my fringe clean and tie my hair back I can just about get away with it. In just a week I use shampoo, then I go another month with WO. I am still using my Nuance Airy Hair mask on the ends of my hair every time I wash it (I love that stuff too much). I am still experimenting with essential oils. I tried chamomile tea+lavender oil+ylang ylang on Saturday and liked it. I think this week I am just sticking to WO followed by conditioning my ends.

Lastly- Super Junior M’s new song? Completely awesome. And the fact they have a song composed by Jay Chou on their mini album also helps to make me quite excited for its release.

Listening To: Super Junior M - Perfection
mood: tired

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