every day life – Page 35

“I’m waiting for a strange tremor as my heart trembles”

I’ve managed to marathon the entire three series of TRICK as well as the first special in just about a week. There is nothing like a good quirky murder mystery series to pass time. The series was odd with a lot of tacky humour and too silly to be real characters but wow, the mysteries were clever and I could never figure them out. It was actually really creepy at times. But who am I kidding- Yamada and Ueda made that series as brilliant and entertaining as it is. Their friendship/perhaps romance was what kept me watching when by the third series I was admittedly growing bored. Also: loose threads. There were far too many loose threads in that show. I have a feeling that certain things will not ever be resolved, even if I now go on to watch the movies and the remaining special. But it was enjoyable nonetheless and I will try out the movies and most likely enjoy them too. I think watching TRICK has ruined Galileo for me though, as I can now see why reviews say that Galileo was a not-as-good ripoff of the franchise. I can see how the series are similar, and how TRICK is better. Galileo is still a pretty good series though (I never found it that amazing anyway tbh, although the movie was kind of awesome)

By now, my excessive laziness and complete boredom should be manifesting into an excess of energy that should make me productive but it has yet to happen. I am currently procrastinating from dealing with my messy and unfortunately growing messier by the day room. I like the idea of giving it a thorough clean and purge before I go away but alas, I lack the will to go through with it. I need to a) find a biscuit recipe I lost amongst the mess, b) sort through my university stuff and organize it so I can reference to it next year and c) stuff ahem neatly pack everything away whilst aiming for a level of cleanliness that will also allow me to roll up my carpets before I go away, as my cat will be alone in the house (as in, I should make sure there is nothing my cat can throw up on and potentially ruin). It’s all a lot like hard work and I don’t even know where to start. I am pretty sure that even if I do get myself to start it I will end up growing bored/fed up halfway through, ending up with an even bigger mess than I started with. (Please tell me that I am not the only one who sets out to clean and ends up making more mess? No?) I do still have about 20 days until the big South African holiday. Which…actually isn’t all that much at all. AHH. Apart from the big clean I still need to go shopping for certain things and I need to do lots of washing and then I need to sort through everything and decide what to pack. I hate packing. It’s like- how am I supposed to know exactly what I need for one month? For example it could be really cold one day but then hot another, I might need formal things or I may not, not to mention all the extras- do I take one book or two, having to remember chargers for electronics etc etc. I am always left feeling like I have forgotten something/left something behind. My main problem is likely that I over think the whole thing. As for the actual holiday I am still waiting to become excited and I am not sure its happening any time soon yet as I’m just too nervous about it all. I’ve not seen my family in so long.

Also making me very nervous right now is the fact that it is nearly June which means technically I should be getting my university results back soon. I am really hoping that I get my results before I go on holiday; it would be cruel to get them afterwards. Then again it would be nice just…not to get them ever?! XD I don’t know how I am going to open that letter…I will probably get my father to open it for me. I hope I have not failed :( I don’t know what I would do if I failed :(

Other than all this I may and probably will be travelling to Berlin with my best friend for a few days in late August/early September before uni starts. Usually when I go on holiday I tend to go long distance- long haul flights back home to Cape Town usually and once to Japan. The only place I have ever been to in main Europe, despite it being so close, is Paris. I am looking forward to seeing another part of Europe. I am quite excited about it really, compared to everything else. I will admit that I partly want to go there because my favourite book is set there which I hope isn’t too wierd. Oh well. It should be lots of fun.

Listening To: Onitsuka Chihiro- Arashi ga Oka
mood: relaxed

Fool

There’s this one electrical class I have taken this semester that has really annoyed me. Put it this way: I’d enjoy it more if it was presented better. The lecturer is a nice enough guy. I remember when I went to the opening day that he was one of the lecturers who showed me around and I liked him then. However the guy cannot actually teach to save his life. He hands out notes, puts these tiny illegibly diagrams up and tells us to copy them. He launches into problems randomly, not explaining things at all (hell, I’m too busy trying to figure out wth the diagram says to even begin to try and understand his ramblings. Not to mention he has a difficult to understand accent which makes things even harder). It was hard work trying to keep up in that class. I also think he must have some kind of technophobia because I am still waiting for my coursework marks to be uploaded to my university online portal. I need to know where I am at with this class but there is no way to do so. Mostly I need to know how badly I can afford to mess up on the exam.

You see, I thought my exam was on Thursday.

It was not. It was, in fact, today.

Yes, I am nearly 19 years old and I still cannot manage my life properly. I am disorganised and forgetful and all over the place.

Full and terribly pathetic story as follows:

Come yesterday, or rather this morning at around 2am I suddenly thought to myself that I should check my exam time table. I didn’t know why and I came thisclose to not checking. Lo and behold my exam was today. I just stared at my phone in disbelief, trying to make sense of it all. I couldn’t believe it. At that moment my exam was 7.5 hours away. I had to get up in 4 hours to make my train. I began to panic. I struggled to breathe, my whole body felt weak and jittery and tears welled up in my eyes. I really couldn’t believe I would be so stupid. I struggled to fall asleep, filled with self loathing and sheer panic and anxiety. I was not prepared. For some reason I was imagining that extra day would make all the difference. Mostly I was just thrown out. How could this happen? Why didn’t I check before? I really couldn’t believe I could do this to myself. I woke up at 4.56am this morning and couldn’t really fall back asleep. At ~6am I dragged myself out of bed and got ready and headed to the station to start my journey to Liverpool with the 7:32am train. I spent my train journey(s) reading through my notes, jotting down a few things until I felt too ill to continue (travel sickness and i was originally feeling nauseous from lack of sleep). For once I was grateful for the long commute, even as I knew cramming like that would make no difference. I put my notes aside, leaned back in my seat and watched the scenery change, on the edge of despair. I arrived into Liverpool with time to spare and sat at the train station for a few minutes, still frantically reading through my notes trying to make sense of it all. I was not in a good state of mind. Can you tell how much I was overacting? These were close to my actual feelings. I get worked up about things so easily but then I was still a little in shock and a bit of confusion. I was actually wondering if the exam was today, if I had messed up again and I dreaded walking to the exam hall and finding nobody there.

They were there. It was today.

The exam itself was held in an underground hall under the metropolitan cathedral. Use your imagination a little and you’ve probably got a good idea of how strange and oppressive the exam hall was. Not to mention I used to have music exams in church halls, and anything that reminds me of my music makes me a little nervous. My hands were not steady as I wrote out my details and I couldn’t calm down. The exam turned out to be…not as bad as I expected. But not good. I made stupid errors, I was still panicking, I was exhausted and basically it was hard to think straight.

I admit I feel much better know. I am looking on the bright side. I could have missed my exam but I didn’t. I have never been so glad for a smart phone allowing me to check things late at night, never been more grateful for my intuition and never more thankful that I listened to that little voice telling me to check my schedule. In retrospect I don’t think that extra day would have made much difference in the end. I was never 100% prepared for this exam. I also dislike my mechanics lecturer but I will give him credit where it is due: at least he made the effort to teach and he teaches quite well. He goes through things clearly, step by step from the basics up with no scribbled diagrams. He even held a revision session to go through the past paper with us and he sent us another past paper with the answers (this electrical guy sent us a past paper…but with no answers. WTF). With the mechanics paper I at least had some idea of what I would be facing. Hell, the paper was almost exactly like the past paper (which made me regret not paying more attention to the past paper haha). I actually feel more confident about my mechanics for once. I didn’t know what to expect of this electrical paper regardless of the shock of suddenly finding it was a lot sooner than I thought.

After my exam I went to McDonald’s and chilled the fuck out, cleared my head with some glorious junk food. Then I went to the library and attempted to tackle the last few maths modules and realised I couldn’t do them no matter what. Oh well, I’ve done 16 out of 19. That should be enough.

There’s nothing more I can do now, really. Now its just the long, long wait until the results. I am going to be hopeful about it. As one guy reassured me before the exam- I have done reasonably well in everything else which means I should pass. I have really tried this year and overall although there were a few minor mistakes I think I have done well. I refuse to believe that one botched exam can ruin everything. (That a couple of missed maths modules will ruin everything, too.) It cannot ruin everything. Right?

Listening To: OLIVA- Into the Stars (live version)
mood: exhausted

Joy & Pain

It’s less than one week until my first exam. Just four and a bit days to go. Scared doesn’t even begin to describe my feelings. It’s always on my mind, I’m always counting down the days. A lot rests on these last two exams. I’ve worked so hard this year. Well fine, I admit most of the time I worked hard and some times I decided I’d much rather watch and episode of Galileo or BOSS but I’m only human OK? I did my best, and I did better than I have ever done before. So far my grades are good and what I need, I think. Currently I’m waiting on the results for a few course-works which is terribly frustrating as I need to know. I need to know where I’m at. I need to know what I need to get on these exams and I cannot until I know what my marks are already in my units. In short: ARGHH. Also I seem to have reached that point in revision where it freaks me out how much I just don’t get it and thus I find it very difficult to revise. It takes extreme motivation and willpower, and I’m not really a very motivated person to begin with. The more things matter the less I can bring myself to care and the more I put it off. It’s super bad but I’d rather avoid a problem until it cannot be ignored than tackle it from the beginning. (And if I can avoid it until it just goes away then all the better) I’ve almost gotten through all the tutorials, just need to do past papers and go over that which I’m still shaky on (which is a depressing amount T__T). In short: ARGHHHHH.

I’m really desperately hoping to get into first year engineering next year. Sure it scares me thinking about having to move out of home, having to make new friends, having to actually join societies and go out and do things with my life. But it scares me more not having that. I want that experience whether it will be good or bad. Being stuck at the same place I am now will do nothing for me in the long run. I realise this may not make sense but I’m scared of being too clear, of bringing myself bad luck by spelling out my exact goal and talking about how much I want it. (I wish I didn’t get my hopes up about things but I can’t seem to stop myself…)

I really just want things to be certain but nothing is certain and I’m nervous for/of the future.

(In short: this entire blog post could be summarised as “ARRRGHHHHHH D: D: D:”)

Listening To: DJ DOC- Joy & Pain
mood: worried

Dentist

Today I went to the dentist. Today I had my first filling. When asked if I wanted to go numb or not I panicked (hello, I was very put on the spot) and said “yes?”. I didn’t quite realise that meant a thin little needle stuck into my mouth, and I hate needles. Countless inoculations, one blood test and two piercings have made me able to bare needles but it’s enough to make me nervous and afraid. I lay there staring resolutely at the light, heart pounding, arms crossed, fingers digging into my arm, as the dentist and assistant stared down at me and drilled and I don’t even know what else. It was all rather terrifying. I was breathing hard and I felt a little light headed, the fear of dentists I had long gotten over returning to me (funny story: the first time I went to the dentist I cried and refused to go in). I couldn’t feel anything, just hear sounds and see the light, and the dentist and her assistants heads hovering over me. Afterwards I was like “lol can’t feel my face :D”. It was a decidedly strange feeling. I could move my face but my muscles felt thick, heavy and stiff so talking or smiling was uncomfortable and awkward and no longer a reflex/natural. We went grocery shopping which I really would have wished not to as it was hard to talk and to stop myself from being gross and drooling (even my tongue felt heavy and unfamiliar in my mouth). Somehow I survived and came home, realising I couldn’t eat anything but a small croissant (using my right set of molars only) and some yogurt. Eventually two hours I was like “fuck, can’t feel my face ¬_¬” and three hours later feeling finally returned! Now my teeth just hurt. I am still very hungry.

Listening To: SNSD- MR. TAXI
mood: ok

This is so unusual

I haven’t been posting much lately, have I? I admit sometimes I find it difficult to blog. I’ll have so much to say but somehow I can’t quite put it into words. And I’ll admit there’s not much happening at the moment. I am almost finished with my foundation year. I’m not entirely sure what happened to all that time but there you go. Just got three exams and one assignment to go. Fingers crossed I do well. Not that I’m spending nearly enough time revising, yet. (I want to add a hopeful ‘yet’ to that statement. I will revise, eventually…) At the moment I’m spending the majority of my time lazing around marathoning every Japanese detective drama I can find (I seem to have become addictive to detective/mystery/crime type dramas. It’s becoming a rather serious problem…In one week I’ve gotten through three separate dramas D: (Which are BOSS, Control and Galileo for anyone interested and all three were awesome and totally worth seeing, yes.))

I did go into university on Monday to do work and I also went into Liverpool on Tuesday to meet up with my sister and show her around. We went to the world museum and amused the staff there with our childish antics (no really, I totally caught one of the staff smiling watching as me and my sister play fought over something stupid. I think she said I wasn’t old enough to go see the planetarium show for 7 years and over and so I hit her (lightly!)…and it went from there…) Me and my sister both like going to museums, so we trailed around with genuine excitement and interest- even trying out some of the interactive displays with childish enthusiasm (but I’d like to add uni student intelligence and determinism). It was so much fun! After that I showed her my university (Which was pretty much her: It’s just a building. me: yes, what were you expecting?) and then the library (her: it’s just… another building. me: yes. What were you expecting?) before walking down to the docks (see: Albert dock) where we somehow found ourselves at a pub sitting outside drinking ice cold drinks in the freezing winds. The weather is pretty nice right now in the UK, but still a bit temperamental and there are cold days. Tuesday was one of them. It was warm but there were strong, cold winds (especially near the mersey, for obvious reasons). Anyway. After that cold, rather foolish experience we went shopping for a bit and then parted ways. It was a very fun day. I love spending time with my sister. It’s just so easy to be around her. I was saying that to her actually. How she is one of very few people I actually speak to. Most people I struggle to even form coherent sentences around, even my own mother and father sometimes. I appreciate being able to spend a few hours feeling comfortable in my own skin.

On that note I actually met up with some of my old friends on Thursday and man, it was awful. The polar opposite of how awesome Tuesday was. They were talking about things that happened that happened in high school and high school friends and I’m sorry but am I supposed to care about all that? I didn’t have anything to talk about because I don’t care about high school, I don’t keep up with current TV or movies (I don’t have money or opportunities to go the cinema) and I don’t have much happening in my life (I’m either studying or spending hours procrastinating from studying…). I was just sitting there wishing I could teleport myself out of there. I was thankful when that was over. As horrible as it is I’ve changed, outgrown those people. Outgrown highschool and everything that happened there, all those people there. I just don’t care. I was kind of looking forward to catching up with people now but not anymore. I’d much rather be alone watching my dramas, thank you very much.

Listening To: Namie Amuro ft Yamashita Tomohisa - Unusual
mood: relaxed

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