Remember the rant about not going anywhere alone by myself? Yes, so I ended up saying screw that and went into KL by myself last Friday. I was technically supposed to go with my friend, but she wanted to go in the afternoon, and she was heading off somewhere else afterwards so I would have just had to take the train back by myself anyway. So I decided to just go by myself. I had my lecture then I went back, freshened up before heading to get the bus. I was terribly nervous about the whole thing. I even had to ask someone if I was getting on the right bus because even if I knew it was, I had to have it confirmed. I couldn’t have anything go wrong. the thought of ending up somewhere unfamiliar was a very real fear.

The bus journey was as long and boring and slightly nerve wracking as always ( The university buses are fairly old and the bus drivers aren’t the best drivers, which is putting it mildly. its a bit of a loud, shaky, creaking ride.) I got off at the station then bought my ticket to mid valley, which was insanely cheap like a lot of things here. (I will suffer going back to the UK where everything is so very expensive) I then went and stood on the wrong side of the platform for a bit before I realised and went to climb up a set of stairs where the stairs were very subtlety, but very definitely, of different heights, to the other platform. I waited there, standing alone clutching my handbag and trying not to notice curious glances from those around me. I don’t know if I was the only foreigner there, but I was the only obvious one.

The train came eventually and you know, I’ve heard really bad things about Malaysian transport that I imagined the trains would be like the worst northern rail trains, the really old ones they use for the early trains before 7am, co incidentally when you spend the most on the ticket. Instead the trains were clean and air conditioned and get this- woman only carriages! I had heard about the woman only carriage but is one thing to hear of it and to be on it. it was lovely. I’ll hazard a guess that the only bad thing about Malaysian transport is that it is flaky when it comes to time- it  never comes on the time it says or even near it. (Like a lot of things here, really.) But otherwise it was fine. At first I had the moment of “am I on the right train?!” panic but a lit up map dissuaded those fears and I felt myself relax a little, felt myself lose my anxiety about the whole thing not being safe and altogether a very bad idea. I sat down and read on my phone/kindle and no one bothered me and in no time I was in mid valley.

I got off the train and took the classic approach to finding your way in a foreign place- follow the crowds. That way i ended up in mid valley just fine. There are plenty of obvious foreigners in KL and the place was large and modern so I realized that, perhaps It was not a bad thing to go by myself at all.

I ended up spending around 5 hour trekking around mid valley, every corner of every floor I am fairly sure. I can’t say I enjoyed myself that much. At first it was fine, but after the first couple of hours…shopping is fun when its being done more for an excuse to go out, maybe hang out with some mates, just have a browse. when its for a purpose it is an evil, time consuming monster. Because its obvious that once you start looking for something you won’t find it. Especially in this country where everything is small, extra small and shoes don’t come in sizes bigger than 5, perhaps a small 6 and forget wide fit. I felt fairly gross and misshapen by the end of it all. I made the mistake of thinking a British brand would have my shoes size and the shop assistant actually laughed at me “we don’t get that size here!” Lovely. It is also hard to find certain other things here. You know what, I am going to be tmi now because this is one of the things that no one ever writes about when they go abroad and its one of the things you’d wish someone would tell you beforehand. that is? having your period here sucks. I could not find the painkillers I usually take, the towels suck and the bins in the ladies bathroom? are OUTSIDE the stalls so you have to carry your waste out in front of everyone. of course not in kl, but here on campus it is like that. it was an embarrassing, painful thing this month.

yes. that was tmi and a little embarrassing to write but hey- if any woman reading this is coming to Malaysia or moving here, be prepared!

Eventually I got the train back, this time it was crowded and there was a police officer on the carriage to check we were all female, and ended up standing at the station for a while waiting for the bus which was nerve wracking as I had stupidly let myself come back in the dark. I could have missed the bus- it stopped at a weird spot- but because of that I finally mastered the art of crossing the road in Malaysia- just walk across, head up high, do not look. the amazing thing is that walking out like that the cars really do slow and stop and let you go. For a foreigner its terrifying- so ingrained are we to stop, look and listen- but here in Malaysia you don’t  wait otherwise you’ll be waiting forever. You find an opening and just go, darting around the traffic and hoping for the best. So yes, I made the bus and ended up back at halls, tired out but with most of what I set out to buy. I even found a pair of shoes eventually, right at the last minute in fact, and they don’t fit well but at least I do not have to physically cram them onto my feet like one of Cinderella’s ugly step sisters.

I then had a very lazy weekend of eating lots of chocolate and getting very little work done, and a long week of too many boring lectures and labs. Due to aforementioned hormones I have been in a bit of a mood all week,  and it doesn’t help that I am really struggling with uni, still.  I just do not understand it at all and when I sit down to work through the problems it takes me hours to do just a handful of questions and I still cannot get to grips with it. And don’t get me started on labs. My log book is a mess, a terrible, unorganized mess. My lab partner is sweet but doesn’t speak English very well and I have a feeling he wishes I were more intelligent so that I would take over and make it perfect which is just not going to happen. at all. I’ve not been sleeping well this week either- can’t fall asleep,  disturbing dreams,  eventually struggling to wake up. I’m tired and irritable, I can’t concentrate or settle down, and its really not been a good week. I just cannot believe that I’m struggling this much already, and I’m already worrying about exams. This year my marks really count as I have to get 55% or more to be able to get onto the honours course. It weighs on my mind.

I was hoping that another trip out would clear my mind and help me to settle down to my work, and planned to go into central KL today to check out KLCC and the aquarium, but I slept through my lecture and then ran out of time to logistically have a good day in KL. I should have spent the day doing my work instead but alas, once more I procrastinated beautifully. Perhaps it was a good thing I didn’t go in todayy., and it rained most of the afternoon. The rainy season must be coming up soon as the weather is getting wetter and wetter. The thunder is so extreme sometime I can see the water in my bottle shaking. My lights just went off briefly before flickering back on.

Tomorrow I shall risk the weather and go out, and then hopefully I will be able to settle down to do my work, and that magic moment will happen where it just clicks and I get it. I can hope.

• Listening To: 12012 - Swallow
• mood: restless

I wrote a long ranting blog post yesterday and I sincerely hope that you are wondering what I am talking about – as I set it to private and I really hope it stays that way. its one of those embarrassing posts that reads like i am still 15. I am enjoying Malaysia more than that post would indicate although obviously its not perfect because this is real life and nothing is perfect. Right now I am not enjoying the fact that I cannot go alone anywhere. I can walk around campus by myself but i cannot just nip into the nearby towns or kl by myself. Even grocery shopping has to be a group outing, how ridiculous is that? It is driving me crazy. I nearly said screw this and got on the train to KL today, but my friend stepped up and stopped me. I am somewhat grateful for her intervention. It would not have been my wisest decision to take the train alone. Still, i am hating this feeling of being trapped. being an obviously foreign (aka white) young women sucks in this situation. I need to go out and buy some stationery and new shoes and in the UK I could just do that- here it has to be planned beforehand and arranged so that other people can go with you- ugh.

Apart from that, there is the obvious- the HEAT. I did a rough estimate of how much i had spent on air conditioning so far and the result shocked me enough that i have banned myself from turning it on until the bill runs over to the next month, so i am sitting here quietly dying. (Just for record, It’s 28 degrees C and 74% humidity in my room as I type this…)  Last year i spent time in the library to escape the noise of halls, this year i may find myself there for the free air conditioning! :P As much as I would like to say i am getting used to the heat by this point, i am really  just getting used to being hot and feeling thoroughly gross because of it. (And likely looking it, I am a sweaty mess. also although my mascara and liner is fairly flood proof but my foundation melts away almost as soon as I put it on which is annoying…)  i have started to tan however, in a very patchy and selective manner, but still, its happening. :D

It does rain here quite frequently- proper storms, fat rain drops falling heavily, the fresh smell in the air, lightning that lights up the whole sky and thunder that dosn’t just rumble in the distance, but crashes loudly like its right beside you. it was rather exciting the first time it happened- I went out for a walk so i could watch it. The storms also have the benefit of cooling everything down for a moment. although after the storm it becomes even more humid.

I am sort of getting used to the food although I sill crave  home cooked food- fresh baking, potatoes that are not greasy fries but in the form they should always be- roasted until golden and soaked in gravy, or boiled until crumbling and made into creamy mash, or cut thickly, seasoned, and baked for hours to form cottage fries. I long for sausages and sausage meat balls and salami and pancetta. I also have a feeling after this year I am never going to want to eat another grain of rice or noodles ever again. some of the dishes I have tried have not been great and I really cannot appreciate how dodgy some of the meat is here- but I have found some dishes I like, even if i do pick out the bits I don’t. My friend remarked to me the other day that she had never realised how picky I was, which was awkward and embarrassing as I thought that I usually do a great job of hiding it. I actually thought that over the past few years I had actually done a great job expanding my tastes- – I really did think that- clearly I was wrong/delusional.

right now, I am mostly fretting about university. Last week was very relaxed, some lectures were cancelled as lecturers were away, labs hadn’t started, most of the lectures were introductory so it was ok to be late to them or to zone out during them (I overslept on Thursday and was an hour late to my lecture. I know, already. I am good job) Next week though I start my practical project work, which I do with one other person. Help. I also start programming again which i am dreading.D: I am already well into maths lectures, the only lectures which started properly reaching last week, and I am already lost. In short, I am struggling to adjust to being back at university. I should have studied properly today, but I got an hour in and I got bored.  All the days before that I did nothing too. I still go to bed far too late, and even if it is true that I am struggling to fall asleep, i should still be making more of an effort to get back into university mode, instead of stubbornly clinging to holiday mode.

Also, its still awkward socially. I am in an irritable, anti social mood due to the aforementioned trapped feeling – so I think, in a way, without even realizing it, I have been attempting to sabotage the tentative friendships I made with the international students. I need to get over myself already, but usually when i reach this stage I’d be taking a fast paced walk to tesco to buy chocolate to accompany a weepy movie (at uni), or I’d be on a train into liverpool for a day out shopping (at home). just something to get me out of my room and away from my house (at home) or on campus (at uni). things I cannot do here. I need to figure out new ways because I have a feeling that by this point  I am even annoying my friend who I came with. I don’t think its a good sign that I am annoying my best friend.

I have also spoken more to the guy i met on Monday and its just as awkward as it ever is. another guy randomly told me his name right at the end of lecture, so that went nowhere, and another guy started conversation with me and then the next day I was sitting right next to him and I just- totally ignored him like the awful person I am. in the end, its all my fault that I am not doing so well at the socialising stuff. but what else is new? i don’t like people and I try to be an adult and to force myself but it just- it just doesn’t work. like I can’t hide the fact I am a picky eater, I cannot hide my discomfort around people. I wish I could be more mysterious, instead of being so obviously anxious around people, so obviously flustered and embarassed (mostly by some of the things I blurt out in a desperate attempt to say something, anything).  its as it ever is- i need people so i can go out and explore, so that i can have help with my work etc but I don’t need their company and conversation tires me out. I feel like such a bitch right now.  more than anything, i wonder if I am really suited to studying abroad- the other people are far more social and outgoing than I am :/

• Listening To: After School - Playgirlz [album]
• mood: ok