every day life – Page 26

“I see, I find, I make sure. I stare, I’m fascinated, I’m satisfied, but I look up, I see, I compare. I despise, I stray, I’m abandoned.”

I kinda disappeared again, didn’t I? Well, that’s cos everything is crazy right now. Deadlines have piled up and exams are just around the corner and I am stressed. Very, very stressed. I had a spectacular breakdown the other week – involving lots of chocolate, crying and something else regrettable that I don’t even want to admit. Thankfully I’ve since managed to pull myself back together and am managing to keep myself together but only just. I’m worried sick about my exams. My grades last semester were not good which puts so much pressure on me now to do well. I cannot fall asleep (and subsequently wake up) and I am binge eating like crazy. The hunger won’t go away and I don’t want to deal with the reasons behind it. Lest I end up in another chocolate-crying situation, you know?

Let’s see. As mentioned, university has pretty much taken over my life. Lectures are mostly ended now and just the final few course works to go before exams. In list format:

✖ Maths: Today I had a maths coursework test and it did not go well. The paper wasn’t bad, it was just me. I’ve been working at my maths but I don’t feel like I am making progress. I sit in the library for hours and only get a handful of questions done and I only partly understand what I am doing and I certainly have not memorised everything yet. It’s worrying.

✖ Telecommunications: I am also struggling with telecommunications, even more so than maths. I am actually 100% lost in this subject. Worse, it’s my first exam on the 9th (?) of May which is dangerously close when I do not understand it all. I am trying to study but its very difficult as this university does not provide a lot of resources for independent study. Worse, I have a set of decent notes from university back in the UK, but the UK and Malaysia courses are slightly different, which leaves me still hopelessly unprepared even after going through the UK stuff. I don’t know what to do, and this hopeless, helpless feeling makes me feel so exhausted and sad. My only hope is that I got my friend to agree to help me so there is that. Just over one week to go. I hope for a miracle.

✖ Electronic Engineering: This is going all right, thankfully. I think I’d be going crazy (more so) if there wasn’t one subject I enjoy and can just about manage, and did I mention enjoy? It makes such a difference to studying when you’re actually interested in the subject. My dad is also able to go through the parts of that I don’t understand, being an electrical engineer himself who knows that subject very well which makes a huge difference. Between the great UK notes (thankfully these two courses/exams are aligned between countries unlike telecomms) and my dad I am managing to study and make progress. Course works however are a bit iffy. I handed in one of my course works for that last Friday and I don’t think it was my best work. I think I left it quite late. I also have a deadline for that tomorrow and I don’t think I’ve done very well there either. I hope I can succeed on the exam at least. Although I do mostly understand it, there is a lot to remember and questions can be hard to interpret- and I am not very good at exams anyway. I have a tendency to panic and then misinterpret questions and forget my basics. Which is worrying always but especially for this exam where questions are lengthy and the information carries through.

✖ Professional skills for engineers. aka THAT module. I had a major deadline for that last week which was a group project- and it was awful. I was stuck in a group with some really horrible, immature people. I was told to work on the flyer portion of the project. So I spent my entire Saturday doing that and then some, only to be told that I was not supposed to be working on the flyer (even though I had emailed my group twice to confirm this was what I was supposed to be doing and got confirmation that it was!) and should do some research for the poster portion instead. They gave me one day to complete my new task, and its not like I have anything else to be doing now is there? I was not pleased to be in this group and I was not pleased with the subject we were doing but I was prepared to put in the work. But they were determined to keep me out. From picking the subject to doing the work they kept me in the dark for everything and worse, they let me waste my time doing work I should not have done by simply ‘forgetting’ to tell me. Yeah right. They could not give a damn. They did not want me in their group and they could not even be adult enough to put those feelings aside. ¬____¬

There is now just one deadline left for that subject- another individual presentation, this time to a larger group and two lecturers, and 15 minutes in length. Mine is currently just 5 minutes in length. Yeah. It goes not well. I’m doing about renewable energy in Sub-Saharan Africa (excluding South Africa) and its fascinating and there’s lots of resources, which means I’m having to read paper after paper to get the information I need and I find it difficult to concentrate on that kind of heavy research when I’m stressed. I am also not looking forward to presenting on Monday, obviously, as the last one went terrifically wrong and that was only a small group. In short: I hate this module.

✖ Electrical Engineering Design Project aka the module I never talk about. I don’t think I put enough work into this project. The last lab session was this Wednesday which involved demonstrating the circuits and handing in the logbooks. I am not confident about my logbook, as I did not pay enough attention during labs and hardly had much clue of what was going on it was difficult to write about. My own fault, really. I really should have put more effort in here, as this project is probably the best preparation for the large group project next year. On the other hand- my group for this project were wonderful. Supportive, helpful, always making sure to include me (and communicate with me so I know where I am at). It really makes so much difference to a project who you work with.

Talking of next year… I get to choose my modules! Which sounded exciting until I actually had to choose them. It’s actually quite nerve wracking. I’m going to start specializing which means I have to choose modules based on what I want to do. I want to go into energy generation/renewables I know, but I am not entirely sure modules are good for this, and the person I emailed has not replied. Either way my current list is: a maths module (ordinary differential equations or partial differential equations), electronic design, solid state devices, electrical machines, power networks and power electronic design. Alongside three compulsory modules control systems design, field waves and antennas and the group project. The group project sounds terrifying- its worth around 30 credits and its pretty much independent. I don’t feel prepared for that. Also: I cannot take a language module next year which sucks. I really hate having to pay an extra £200 to take a language at university. But I have no choice as I’m doing engineering, which is one of the most inflexible and time consuming degree there is. In retrospect, I guess its my fault for choosing engineering. XD

Thats the state of things at university. Apart from that, Planning for Japan is the only other thing filling my time. It is going very well, almost too well. I’m scared that its going to be “the best laid plans” situation, and that things are going to go horrendously wrong. In my remaining time I spend copious amounts of mindlessly surfing the internet and spending too much (day) time asleep. Student life. So exciting, as usual. I’m very aware that I have very little time in Malaysia and I should be trying to get into KL to do some touristy things, but I am so busy and stressed and exhausted. After exams I should be able to do some sight seeing, hopefully. For now until exams are done, studying and being stressed over it are all that will make up my life :(

Lastly some site notices: I changed the layout! I’m not 100% happy with it though but I was sick of the other one so… Also there will be no book post for April. I’ve not been reading as I need my money for food and Japan, and I don’t have time/the ability to concentrate anyway. I will either post a combined april/may book post or just skip april and possibly may, depending on what happens. Sorry!

mood: stressed
Post Title: Hamasaki Ayumi - Connected

“Will the moon understand my loneliness? Wonder if the stars understand my scars.”

Yesterday actually turned out to be a lovely day. I had one lecture in the afternoon, so I slept in and took my time to get ready. Once I got to lecture my friend told me he’d pick me up later, which was very helpful, then went off before I could ask him to be just a little bit more specific. I managed to get his attention after the lecture and he told me he’ll pick me up in 15 minutes. Ok, so I was no expecting such a small time frame. I rushed back to halls and threw everything into my handbag and only just noticed he’d texted me that he was already there. 5 minutes early. Typical. I rushed out and met him outside halls and then we drove to the mall. We chatted the whole way and it wasn’t awkward, you know. It was actually quite nice. i mean, I did say some things that made me go fuck self, really but not as bad I can get. Nothing mortifying. At the mall we went and ate supper- subway sandwiches, and he bought us these Chinese sesame snacks which were very tasty. The one had a peanut filling, and the other had something called lotus(?) in them. I have no idea what that is. Poor guy could not explain in English either XD We finished just on time for the movie. By this time I was nervous…because he kept telling me we were going to see a horror movie, after I told him I’d watch anything but horror. Oh I knew he was joking, but I wasn’t quite sure. Thankfully, It turned out to be a action movie. He seemed greatly amused at my relief. ¬__¬ It was a terrible movie, but in a fun way. We giggled and whispered to each other throughout which only made it more entertaining. Its also really weird and interesting that in this country they blank out the audio every time a character swears, which makes for an intriguing movie experience!

Once the movie was over, my friend drove me back to halls, and we still talked and I was actually still managing to not make a fool of myself.

I think though… I think I’m more socially awkward when you first meet me. If you get through the initial “did she really just say what I thought she said?” and bouts of uncomfortable silence as you wait for me to respond, and don’t make a HUGE DEAL of the fact that I am shy, then its actually ok. It’s just, most people don’t get past the shyness, or make a huge deal out of and make me feel even more uncomfortable than I already probably am. (seriously, if someone is shy don’t draw attention to it, please? it’s like saying well, this is awkward and effectively making it more so) There are so few people who will stick around. Who will make an effort to get past and to accept the silences, the offishness and the awkwardness, and see the other parts of my personality. I’d like to think that I am more than just shy and awkward, that underneath that there is something worth getting to know. :( But there are few who will take my personality just as it is, and accept it. I cannot believe this person seems to have.

Anyway, I had a lovely time. You know , this was the first time I went outside of uni with someone I met at uni? And it wasn’t nerve wracking. I came back and I wasn’t exhausted, just really relaxed and happy, because I had been exactly myself. That sounds weird, but I have such trouble trusting people that I am constantly putting up walls, getting anxious, and I rarely relax and be myself. I always look forward to seeing my sister or my best friend, as they have always been the only ones that I can let my guard down around, and that is such a fucking relief you know. it feels so wonderful jut to be myself for even a few hours and not to have to worry about it. in this case, not have to worry too much. I’m not entirely trusting this person yet. Really, it makes me terrified to think I am beginning to trust them, because I don’t want to. I want to put my walls back up and stay hidden behind them, always. I have been hurt before, and I don’t want to be hurt again. And it also makes me so, so sad that I’d have to make someone I would sorta call a friend here. Although I sometimes think to myself I’m ready to leave Malaysia, sometimes I do think I don’t want to leave. I’m conflicted, basically. There are definitely some things I will miss about here. I have begun to feel slightly settled here.

That’s the thing about studying abroad for a year. It is that you go for a year, which gives you the safety of a return ticket, but you are going for a year, which gives you plenty of time to settle, then having to leave just as you think to yourself, yeah, I’m doing OK here. And I do miss things about the UK. When I get frustrated or down its reassuring to think about going back. But at the same time I don’t like the UK. I’ve never felt like I fit there. It’s never felt right. It’s not my home and I’ve never thought of it such. I don’t know. Maybe when I go back the time away will have uncovered some fondness for the country?

Its just, more than that,I am dreading going to university for third year back in the UK. I did not make any friends in first year, and by third year everyone will be in pretty solid friendship groups. Where am I going to fit in? I did not fit in the first time, after all. I’m too shy, I don’t drink and I don’t go clubbing and in the UK if you don’t do those things, making friends becomes infinitely harder. Almost too hard to bother. I have a huge group project next year and I worry. Who will I be with? Will I get on with them? It’s wierd. I have been in a different university every single year for the past three years, and now I am returning to the same one as first year. Just.. it makes me nervous.

And I do feel sad that I’m probably never going to see, or speak to, these friends I’ve begin to make here ever again. :( I want to onto onto these friendships somehow, even though I’m not sure if they are actually friendships, if I’m not making a big deal out of nothing (as I tend to do, admiteddly). I don’t know. Just, I had so much fun yesterday. And studying in the libary. Sitting whispering to each other in lectures. All these small things I’ve never had in my foundation or first year of uni. All these tiny little social interactions that I did not think I needed or would enjoy, but I do. I do.

It’s always on my mind now. Just two months to go. I cannot believe how quickly the time is going. I’m starting to get really scared. About my last bunch of exams, about going to Japan, and finally, going back to the UK. It’s just happening so quickly.

Post Title: Outsider- Acquaintance
mood: hungry

“There’s an innocence I possess. But you, you keep snatching it away, even from the smallest openings”

The past week has been a particularly stressful one, despite having a lot of free time deadlines are beginning to pile up, and exam time tables have even been released which means I’ve had to start getting serious about revision. That is, I am going to have to. Last week I was preoccupied with a particularly awful maths coursework due on Thursday.

I’d been good and started it when it was issued, weeks ago, but every time I sat down to it I became lost and confused. I literally could not do it. This meant that by Wednesday I still had not completed a single question. Thus, I found myself sat in the library with my friend for the majority of Wednesday afternoon, struggling through it together. We did as much as we could, then went home. I took a break then sat down to work on it some more, found the stupid error that was messing up everything, and then redid most of it all over again. At 1am I was lying awake and reading, when my friend texted me. I offered to help him. So he came by my halls and we sat and discussed it for a little bit. That was awkward. I was bare faced, with wet newly washed hair and in my pajamas. Thankfully in the time it took for him to drive here I had managed to get dressed at least, but I still wonder at the fact that he drove all the way here for my work. Well, in the end I completed my maths coursework about an hour before the deadline and by skipping all my lectures on Thursday. A job well done, clearly. Honestly, by the end I was near crying with frustration. I wanted to do better this semester, but I am still struggling. It’s not like I am not trying to be good and getting things done- its just cannot do it. I spend hours struggling with just a handful of questions, or reading through notes that might as well as be in Russian for all I understand them. That is why I am so, so grateful for this friend. It is so good to have support from someone. But it’s so frustrating that I had to find someone like that here, when I have so little time here. :/

After the stress of Thursday, I was badly in need of a break. In a lucky coincidence my lecture was cancelled on Friday so off I went to KL to shop. I’d given myself a generous budget for the day and was quite excited. Naturally, the day would go terrifically wrong.

I woke up late and ended up getting the bus at lunchtime, arriving into KL around 1pm. I got onto the sky train to Bukit Bintang and it started to rain. Like always, before I go to KL I look at my umbrella and think to myself I should take that followed by nah, I probably won’t need it, and every single time it rains and I get wet. I exited the sky train and walked through the shops, lingering as much as I could before I decided to hell with it and waltzed past those hovering under the eaves and into the streets. I was soaked immediately. When it rains in KL it chucks it down. “End of the World Rain” I heard someone call it once, and I agree. I rushed down to the crossing to get to Pavilion only to be greeted by thick traffic and a taunting red light. As I was standing there, getting soaked to the bone, a woman came up to me and asked “do you want shelter?” Well, I was not about to say no. I smiled and thanked her, grateful and we stood in silence for a while, until the light changed. I was not sure what to do next and in the end I felt awkward so I turned and quickly thanked her then ran off. I felt a little rude and very sorry that I had not tried better to be friendly, as always. To the random kind stranger, I am sorry for being socially awkward

I arrived into the super fancy pavilion absolutely soaked and looking very bedraggled. I dusted the rain off and pretended not to be though and went off to have lunch at the restaurant Morganfields. I got there late, around 3pm and the restaurant was near empty – just me, a group of business people and a couple. I actually liked that, as the opposite would be that it was crowded or noisy or full. I sat down at a little table, initially feeling quite self conscious but once the food was ordered, I settled down to read my book and when the food came, eat slowly and savour the taste of pork as I read. Which was rather relaxing. The food was fairly delicious too, although probably overpriced for what it was. I had a bunch of sausages with mustard, ham chops with mash potato (that nicely had bits of bacon in) and roast vegetables. For drinks, I had a ice blended drink of watermelon and lime juice. The drink was amazing. The sausage platter was nice, I think I enjoyed it more from a dearth of pork than for what it was. The main meal was also nice but the meat was a little fatty and the portion was ridiculously large. I mean, I could have done with just two pork chops. I did my best to get through it, then finally had to concede defeat even though there were leftovers. I asked for the bill and for the remainders to be packed up, then sat back and waited.

The waiter came back and told me my card did not work. A little worried, only a little, I frowned and asked him if he would try again. He did, still no good. Properly nervous by then, I got out my wallet and thankfully, thank everything, I had enough to cover the meal. But why would my credit card not work? I hunted down an atm and managed to draw out money all right. Puzzled, I went on with my shopping. I went to another shop and went to the till to pay but again, my card was rejected. But again, I thankfully had enough. I was actually worried now. I wanted to go to Sephora and to H&M next but did I draw money for it? Did I try and make it work? Was my card faulty? I ended up cutting my shopping at Bukit Bintang short, going to get the train back to KL Sentral. Of course I was in such a panicked, confused daze that I had got on the wrong train and DID NOT EVEN REALIZE. I was about six stops away from central KL by the time I woke up and noticed that, hang on, should I not be at KL Sentral by now? Doh. I felt like a total idiot. I got on the right train, and then had to go all the way back on myself, making my journey about 30 mins, 40 minutes longer than it should have been.

At KL Sentral I bought my ticket to midvalley and went onwards to there. I wanted to do my grocery shopping, but on the advice of my dad, I decided to make a smaller purchase first, to test if my card still was being wierd and to avoid being sat with a load of groceries I could not pay for. I went to cotton on to buy some shorts and nervously handed over my card. it did not work. The woman tried four times and it still did not work. Thankfully there was an atm right nearby. I put my card in, and it would not even allow me to draw money. Now I was panicking, actually panicking. I desperately needed groceries. I could go back for my makeup and clothes later (I hoped) but I actually really needed groceries. And my credit card is my only access to my money. I phoned my dad up and, I am ashamed of this, shouted at him. Used to this though, he calmed me down and agreed to arrange a call to the credit card company for me. That was how I ended up crouched on the floor in the middle of the mall on the phone to my credit card company. The woman on the phone, infuriatingly, told me to go back to the shop and humiliate myself to get the exact error again. I did shout at her a little because of that, and again, I am ashamed of that, its not her fault. Then her next piece of advice was to try and draw money from another atm and I nearly threw my phone against the nearest wall. But what else cuold I do but listen? There wasn’t anything she could do, my dad could do, I could do other than that. So I went to the atm and put my card in and… it worked. It worked! I went back to the shop, embarrassed at having taken so long, but the girl did not remark and just rang up my purchase for me.

By then it was getting late and i was tired and fed up. I just wanted to go home and read. That would have been a lovely, stress free day off, but no, I had to decide to make a day out of it. I went to the supermarket and did my grocery shopping in record time. I was just…done with the day. Totally done. I got on the train and was so glad to be going back. It was an utter disaster of a day.

The rest of the weekend was OK though. I spent it very lazily, ignoring the things I need to do and in that way got my much needed time off. Unfortunately I felt so lazy that today I could hardly concentrate during lectures and labs. Oh and then, in labs a friend of mine asked me to go to the cinema tomorrow tonight. and I…said yes. Did not even pause to think about making excuses like I usually do, and just happily agreed. what the hell. So now I am in a state of anxiety about that. There’s always something to worry about, isn’t there? At least, for me there is always is.

Listening To: After School - Dilly Dally

“He wanted to bar his doors also, to seal any windows he might own, to be a tower strong and certain, untouchable, alone.”

Yesterday I had my presentation. I slept through all my alarms and only just woke up in time to have one last run through before rushing to my maths tutorial. I ended up walking into maths late, which was terrifically embarrassing when I was all dressed up. OK not dressed up but I’m such a slob on a daily basis that I’m fairly sure I shocked the guys with my more polished appearance. She’s wearing a skirt? And makeup? Indeed. I actually do not know why I bothered going to my maths tutorial, as it wasn’t like I could concentrate. I was super worked up with nerves. The hour crept by slowly, and then I had no choice but to head to my presentation. The venue was my tutors office and the audience the other members of my tutor group. 6 people, excluding myself.

The first guy went up to present and he was really good. His presentation was well put together, attractive and technical. He was confident and talked about his subject with ease. Another guy went, with another technical, confidently presented presentation. Then I volunteered myself. I knew that if I left it any longer I’d be too nervous so I decided to go for it. It turned out to be quite awful. Standing up there presenting to a room full of strangers was so different to presenting to just a room. I rushed through it and I am fairly certain I missed out a couple of important points, though I was hardly aware of what I was saying, if I was fidgeting, if I was even breathing. I felt self conscious about everything from the way I was dressed, to my presentation itself. My topic was a little different and I did not know what they were making of it. Others had chosen to look at technologies and I had chosen? Energy generation in South Africa- how demand side management and energy efficiency are important to South Africa’s future. Yes, I knew it was a little out there but I did not realise what an utterly random topic I had chosen until I was standing there, trying to present it. Once it was over I had two questions which I managed to answer, but not well. Then I got feedback from my tutor. She said it was very interesting but rushed. I said sorry, automatically but she brushed it off, saying again that it was interesting and she actually appreciated that it wasn’t technical! She said she had heard lots of people do renewable and energy generation, but few who looked outside the technical side of things. I was so glad she saw it like that because that is how I see it! The amazing thing about engineering, for me, is that you can make an impact on the world around you with it- both positive and negative. And it is important as an engineer to think about that impact. I found it very interesting exploring the real world impacts of generation, and lack of generation, for this presentation.

I sat through the rest of the presentations, though if you ask me what any of the topics were I would not be able to say. Afterwards I went back to my room and tried to relax, then later I went out to attend a guest lecture the uni was hosting. I rushed there thinking I was late, and it was going to be this huge prestigious event and it would be very embarrassing to walk in late and maybe there wouldn’t even be seats… Turns out it was in this very random, very small little room in a random location. When I got there it had not started and was not even close to starting and the room was half empty. I sat down at the back and got out my phone to look busy. An acquaintance of mine was there but he was sitting with his friends so I did not wish to bother him. To my surprise, he came over and sat next to me. We started chatting and I rambled on about my presentation and how awful it was, still quite worked up with nerves and awkwardness. I would not be surprised if he got not one word out of 10.

The lecturer eventually showed up and the lecture started and…it was not what I was expecting. My friend leaned over to whisper to me and instead of telling him to shut up, I ended up talking to him for almost the entire presentation. Yes, I know. it was terribly rude. But hell, I was presented out. I’d sat through 5 presentations, and hosted my own. I was still a bundle of nerves and restless energy. My friend seemed quite hyper too, I think it was because he was hungry. Either way his energy made my own restlessness worse, and I found myself going from being irritated at him for talking through the lecture, to relaxing into it, and even prompting conversation. it wasn’t even a great conversation- with both of us frequently going “Huh? What was that?” and likely having two entirely separate conversations at several points..But it was kinda fun, just talking about this and that. It has been a long time since I’ve had a friend I can whisper to in class. To be honest, I wonder if I am getting too relaxed around this guy though. I’m fairly sure I end up saying too much to him and he remembers and I think he tells his friends. I don’t quite trust him, just like anyone, really. Friendship terrifies me, I try so hard to distance myself from people, yet I’m only human, and when someone makes the effort to come to me, to not get annoyed by my iffiness, that makes me happy and I cannot help but relax, begin to trust. :( Well, the lecture ended which meant I could escape the social awkwardness, back to my room, and my books and dramas. Later, I kinda felt like crying. It drains me being around people, and I don’t like that.

Anyway, now for today. Today I woke up and checked my emails to find my dad had dropped a bombshell on me- he wants to come to Japan with me. At first I was shocked, and then I started to cry. I have no idea what prompted such an extreme reaction. I guess I really wanted to do this alone. I like travelling alone, and all the freedom it gives. And I guess I was looking for what my last Japan trip gave me- time to be myself without anyone around to judge, time away from everything and anyone, time to heal. I came back from Japan a different person last time and its probably foolish to expect that again, but I suppose there was a part that wondered if once again I would leave Japan feeling that same sort of contentedness that had gotten me through my foundation year and started to get my through my first year…before how difficult my degree was caught up with me and I once again started to waver. That’s such a deeply personal reasoning for my dad not to come though that I could not admit it to him. And at the end of the day? I’d feel cruel saying no to my dad. It pisses me off no end that he tells me this now, after I’ve spent hours researching and putting together a solo trip catering to myself and without a car. If I had known it was both of us I would wish for an extra day in Tokyo and Sapporo both, but now we have these time limits and I am going to have to give up certain things I wish to do. And yet, I know I am being selfish thinking those sort of thoughts. Reading his email there is something vulnerable about it and that always scares me. I’m used to be dad being strong. I wonder what is going on home now, with my mother grieving over my grandmother. I realize now, many hours later, was that it was the tone of my fathers email that made me cry. By the tone of his email is seems clear to me that my dad needs this holiday.

But I also think my dad wants a holiday, he wants to see somewhere as different as Japan. He wants to travel and see things, just as his daughters have. It must suck to be the one stuck at home, whilst your children are off seeing the world. And I cannot fault him that. Japan is a beautiful, exciting place. I love it so much and to be able to share that with my family, to be able to let them see why I love it so much would be amazing. Of course, it would also be great being just me and my dad. You know how it is when you have siblings- its hard to catch your parents alone. I like spending time with my father. There is also te benefit that he can hire a car which would be helpful in northern Japan. So I said yes, of course he can come. I have no idea what is happening to my plans now.

Post Title: Tower of the Kings Daughter - Chaz Brenchley
Listening To: Changin' my Life - New Future

“I try so hard not to become weak”

I am a bit stressed right now, and grouchy because of it. It’s a bit ridiculous to be stressed as I have a lot of free time, but this is the sort of stress that’s more like anxiety, that comes from worrying over many things. One of my main worries right now is of course university. In particular, my first presentation for my professional skills module. I have been counting down the days and there aren’t many left now. It’s should be on Wednesday. So soon!

I finally had an attempt at a proper rehearsal earlier, to my teddy bears and the however many so walls of my room. Not quite an audience but they are all I have. I also finally sat down and edited out numerous errors in my slides, and completed my cue cards. Completing my cue cards involved…well. I wanted to time my presentation but I could not find a stop watch on my phone so I decided instead to use the voice recording function. I saved a few of my test presentations and went over them earlier to see how I managed earlier run throughs, and it was enough to put me off presenting for life. There is something about hearing your own voice that is so very awkward and embarrassing. I had to force myself to keep listening, and to concentrate on what I was saying, rather than how. I really hate hearing myself speak. Hearing those 10 minutes of attempting my presentation I was also reminded of just how much I hate my accent. I tried so hard to keep my South African accent, and I was ‘rewarded’ by ending up with something that is very odd. Most of the time I sound posh English, the sort of accent that people may (stereotypically) think of when they say “British” . However, listening to my voice, there were times I could hear my accent slip and hint at something else, but its so lost in the British that it just sounds strange and distracting. I also found myself using my phone voice in one of my test presentations, the over pronounced, forced polite, overly sweet sort of voice. I sounded about 15 there, and strangely, more South African. So it seems my original accent comes out a) when I am angry and b) when on the phone. How…odd. I wish I had a more defined accent. A nicer accent. I wish I still had my South African accent.

Anyway. Despite my attempts at preparation this presentation refuses to come together. I picked a topic, researched it, put together a presentation, could not find a way to present it effectively, rewrote it and arrived at the point I am now, where I am filled with doubts as it still does not seem quite right. The presentation starts of reasonably strongly but slightly derails off to the end, if I let it. Its a struggle to reach a conclusion, to wrap things up in a way that feels right. As a whole, I don’t think this presentation is particularly inspiring, or even interesting to other people, but I do like the topic so hopefully I can manage, for just a few hours in my life, to show some of the emotions I am feeling and maybe then my tutor won’t find it dull, or pointless. I really do feel uncertain about the whole affair. I have absolutely no confidence about it, not at all.

Other university things: I have maths coursework due next week that I cannot do, which is a bit not good. Numerous other projects and revision things are going equally not well. Ugh. And I still feel so terribly lazy. I cannot believe that exams are only a couple of months away. No, under a couple of months. That’s fucked up, that is. I have only just gotten over the stress and pain of the last lot- and now I have three more?! I know, I should be more positive. I still have two months. I need to do my best, because once this is over, if I do well, I will have finally reached my goal. the last one: the get onto the MEng one. I just need to persevere for two more months, then I am off to Japan, I am going back to the UK and yes, that sucks in some ways, but I will be able to sleep in my own bed and cuddle my cat and eat as much pork as I like (I think every meal for the first week will just about do it!).

It’s a little sad, and I’m not ready to admit it out loud to anyone, but I think in some ways I really am ready to go back. It’s not Malaysia in particular, its more I have had enough of university, and living in halls and yes, there are things I miss. This is a bit cold-hearted isn’t it? That’s why I won’t admit it out loud.

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