every day life – Page 25

“Sometimes I ask myself, how much farther will I have to go?”

On Saturday I went to check out the Batu Caves. I was interested as I’ve never been to a Hindu site of worship before, and it was free. The journey was long and dull from KL Sentral. Once there I followed the crowds to the main stairwell and the big golden statue, and started up the steps. Typical of stairways in Malaysia the stairs were dirty, narrow, uneven and frankly terrifying. I clung to the chipped, peeling balustrade and clutched at my maxi skirt and stopped at every landing. It was worth it once I got to the top though- the views were brilliant and the caves themselves were huge and fairly impressive. There were two temples, to get the second you have to brave even more narrow, uneven steps that are also wet which is great ‘fun’, and numerous statues tucked away into the cave walls. I was fascinated by the statues and by the formation of the caves themselves. However the visit was over very quickly, and I was very hot the whole time,and I did not enjoy those stairs which makes me wonder how worth it it was to go. Oh but on the way back to the station I bought some sort of traditional sweets they were selling on the roadside and they were delicious. The best was bright pink and tasted like crumbly, cake like coconut ice (and how typical of my sweet toothed self, to be on a mission to try Malaysian snack foods and sweets but remaining ignorant about Malaysian food…) On Sunday I headed out into KL again- to mid valley to pick up last minute packing supplies and get my hair cut. After I got my hair cut I went to the platform and crouched down, typically the train time was changing to an even later time every time I looked, and gazed at my surroundings and it hit me this is the last time. I didn’t feel sad, but I did start to feel anxious and it started to sink in that soon, everything would be shifting, changing, again and am I ready? What comes next, anyway? How will things have changed once I get back to the UK? What comes next? Although I recognise the importance of change, I still cannot help but feel nervous when faced with it.

Since then I’ve been busy trying to sort out the mess that is my room, not leaving campus and these last few days in Malaysia have passed as such, uneventfully like that. I wonder if I’ve made the most of my time here, compare myself to other people, then I think that “experience” is not something that can be quantised. I’m terribly excited to be going to Japan soon. Of course, before I get there I have to finish off my packing. It’s an endless, frustrating task. I’ve been nearly finished since Monday and although in retrospect I was laughably optimistic I was never lying, I really thought I was coming close, but then I’d discover another pile of papers to sort, another bunch of clothes to pack. Currently my suitcase is 5kg overweight and this is awkward, I can barely carry the thing, and maybe a bit embarrassing (again, I wonder about other people. I wonder what my dad is going to make of it.) But I figure its only RM60 to get that kind of excess to Japan and I’d much rather pay than sort out any more bloody paperwork (aka yes, I’m keeping my notes. I do not have the willpower to sort out/discard anymore.) I’ve done enough. I really am nearly finished with it all now (for real!), and then I have to check out of halls and wait for the taxi to come to take me to the airport one last time. I’m nervous, excited, worried, thrilled about Japan. I’m not sad about leaving Malaysia to get there, but I will say it is strange.

I did go into KL on Sunday as planned . It’s really cool how unlike in the UK where everything dies down on a Sunday, here in Malaysia there is no significance to Sunday and its as bustling as any other day. I arrived in KL in the late afternoon, bought myself an ice blended from juice works because I’m hopelessly addicted, then managed to escape the mall much more easily than I thought- I just had to head to the aquarium, then turn off before I ended up there. I emerged into bright light and stifling humidity, a stark change from the cool, air conditioned mall but thankfully I had my ice blended to keep me cool. I began walking with the little idea of where I was going, and again, in a stroke of luck found myself exactly where I wanted to be- standing by the lake that lies in front KLCC Suria, the Petronas towers looming overhead. I had a wander around the lake and took a bunch of pictures. I did venture a little ways into the park but although very green, very clean and altogether nice it was still just a park and my ice blended had melted and I was getting hot so I headed back into the mall, up and around and up the escalators towards the top floor and the massive kinokuniya bookstore there.

I had hoped to buy a Japanese hiking map there and even worked up the courage to inquire after it, but this only resulted in a very awkward encounter with the man who worked there who seemed slightly confused by my request, and in the end they did not have it anyway, or anything similar. I spent some more time after that, lingering, soaking in the atmosphere of a large bookstore- and oh, I love the Japanese section in kinokuniya. I looked at the language learning section which made it hit home just how terrible I am at Japanese even after all this time. Then I moved to ogle the pretty and unique selection of magazines and catalogues- I really wanted to get this miffy catalogue which came with stickers and a tote as I’m a huge miffy fan and there are no miffy goods in the UK but alas, it was too expensive. I eventually found myself in the English Japanese learning section and spent an unfortunate time umming and ahhing over various phrase books and pocket dictionaries before settling on a couple that I can take along to Japan in the vain hope it will make some difference to not starving. (On that note- it is so annoying how so many travel guides and phrase books do not include kanji and kana, effectively making them useless within Japan. Like, I like knowing that is the bus stop to go to or food to try- but its hardly like I’m going to be able to search out the romaji,I need to play match the kanji!) After that I headed all the way back down and around and down to the ground floor- I will always remember leaning over the side and looking down whilst on the escalator going from the 4th floor to the 3rd, seeing all the elevators going up and down below me and all the people packed on them. These huge, expansive malls crammed with people and stores (so many designer, and high end at that. Man, the brand names here. It must be wonderful shopping here if you have money to spend) are nothing like you get in the UK. Although I’m an online shopper at heart, I do still find them very impressive. (The air conditioning helps, of course.)

My last stop was uniqlo which surprised me by how expensive it was. I did manage to buy one t shirt, although it was not as cotton rich as I hoped it was a lovely color and the cheapest one I could find. I need a nice, loose mens t shirt for hiking in japan, you see. I only have one currently. So anyway, I left then, popping into mid valley on the way back to pick up a couple of things from daiso (the mid valley one is even more cramped and confusing than the sungei wang one. I did not know that was possible ) (and yes I know- kinokuniya, uniqlo, daiso…there was a definite theme to my shopping) Then came back to find power restored as it should which thank everything.

Since then I’ve spent a whole lot of time sleeping and lazing around and avoiding organizing my shit so I can pack it. I did make some attempts to sort through the mounds of paper I have lying around, but it got overwhelming and I stopped. I’m trying not to beat myself up over this. I do still have a few days left, after all.

“And I don’t want to be the kind that says the wrong way.”

→ I’m currently sat writing this in public. It’s more than a little nerve-wracking but then my laptop needs charging and the plugs aren’t working in halls. Yes, lights and air con are thankfully OK but not a single plug in my room works. I discovered this yesterday the hard way- when I stepped into the shower and found it was cold. Having already conditioned my hair I had no choice but to endure a long shower as I attempted to wash my hair in the icy water. As anyone who does not use shampoo knows – you need hot water to make it work. Washing your hair in cold water? Just leaves the hair looking lanky and gross. Last night I ended up sat in the same public place when my laptop died and it was not too bad- I ate grilled chicken and naan bread smothered in garlic sauce as I read, and then I bumped into a friend and we sat chatting for a bit. But I was still hoping that the plugs would be working today. They are not. Of course there are no emails about planned maintenance, and as it’s the weekend there is no one I can go report this to. I know its not just my room as the girl down the hall- who I do not know, making this quite awkward- knocked on my door in order to ask if my plugs were working, and so I assume hers weren’t too. Essentially, the whole situation is ridiculous but there is quite literally nothing can be done. Typical of life in student halls, to be honest.

→ Exams finished this week on Thursday. Neither my mathematics nor my electronic engineering exams went well. For mathematics I managed to stay very calm and level headed, but that did not change the fact that the paper was asking us to differentiate tan and integrate sec and I have not done this since high school. That was the first question. The second question was alright- actually, more than that. There was a part of that question that I’d attempted in the past years and been unable to do, but something clicked during the exam and I totally got it. I completed the whole question and I understood it. It was amazing. Then the last question. At first glance, I thought it was OK. I went into it confidently and got the first part done, then I reached the second part and realized it was not as similar to the past year as I had expected and that I had no idea what to do. I did not get anxious or panic, but that did not stop my mind from going blank. I decided to attempt another question- the way the exam is set up is that there are 4 questions and you get marks for the best 3. Usually I just pick 3 to answer, but this time I attempted them all. In the end out of all four I only managed to do one completely, the first was just method and the last two were half done. It was not good. After that I had to cram for electronic engineering but I admit, I did feel reasonably confident about it. I was worried but not too worried about it. I should have been. This exam was weird. There were questions stuff we had not even been taught. I could manage to answer all the questions, bar a few at the back. But I did not leave that exam feeling as confident as I wanted to.

To say I am worried about this all is an understatement, but I’m trying not to let it hang over me. After my last exam on Thursday I bought a huge bar of chocolate and then just sat down to wallow in misery so that I could get over it. And I am OK now. I will be OK. I just want to enjoy my time now, here in Malaysia and in Japan. I’m trying to eat better, catch up on sleep and relax. What is done is done and I tried so hopefully… hopefully…

→ I’m really lucky that my exams are so soon , actually. Most people I talk to only finish on the 27th of May. But now I have a whole week to get myself organized for moving and Japan, to relax and oh yes, to go out into KL as much as possible! On Friday I went out to Midvalley for a little while and it was glorious to get out of my room and to not be stuck in the library. I had a delicious ice blended from boost and then mostly window shopped, before grabbing a handful of groceries. Then Saturday was Saturday. I spent most if it asleep or reading. Today I’m probably heading out to KLLC. I did think about going out for big touristy day today but in truth I’m tired and cannot be bothered, and will wait until next week before I attempt it. I admit I am probably also putting it off as I find KL difficult to navigate and very pedestrian unfriendly, and there is no way I am getting into a taxi by myself. So as much as I want to go to certain places, I’m unsure of how to get there. And yes, I do feel self conscious on my own in KL. Not all the time but…sometimes. People can stare. Well, today I’ll make baby steps towards my goal and I shall go for a walk around KLCC park, take some pictures of the towers, get some shopping done and come back. Hopefully it shall be relaxing and manageable as a day. Exams really have left me feeling drained.

“Constant fear of falling erases even your will to fly”

I’ve got Nine Muses new mini album on repeat right now. I’m not sure how I feel about the PV for “Wild”, but the mini album is wonderful. “Spotlight” and “action” are brilliant, mature pop tracks and OK, “wild” is not too bad either. It’s great to have something new to listen to- K pop is constantly disappointing me lately, and I’m very out of touch with the Japanese music scene. Although, there is always the old favourites to turn to. Actually, I was listening to Ayu’s album “secret” when I saw it had been released in 2006 and I realized I had been listening to Japanese music for about eight years now. That’s a little crazy, to think of myself, 13 years old and discovering the likes of Hamasaki Ayumi and Gackt for the first time, falling in love with Japan and the Japanese language. Eight years later and I’ve still not managed to learn more Japanese than “Arigatou” but I’m about to visit Japan for the 2nd time. Of course, before that I’ve got exams to get through first.

Currently, I’m spending a large chunk of my time in the library studying with my friend and it’s amazing how much more tolerable long hours struck in the library, tired and hungry and frustrated with endless revision, is when not alone. My friend has been helpful and we’ve had a lot of random conversations to break up the time. I realized this is the very first time I’m really talking to a guy, beyond the polite non-conversation, and its interesting. I’m still worried about saying too much, becoming too comfortable but mostly I’m relaxed and its easy and enjoyable to not be alone. He’s also been wonderfully tolerant of my moaning. I realized this week that I can be incredibly whiny. I don’t mean to but something my friend said, maybe his tone made me realize just how much I had been complaining and I felt a little embarrassed. I don’t want to be one of those people that only has negative things to say. I have friend who is like this- but in the opposite way. She’s very upbeat and positive, very ME ME ME about it all to- listen to how wonderful my life is, and listen to me telling you that everything is wonderful in your life too…sometimes you just want to shake her and tell her that sometimes things are not OK, and that’s its OK to admit to that. But then there’s me and I realized that lately I’ll been all ME ME ME, listen to how much my life sucks and its like, shut up already self. My friend has been so wonderfully patient with my whining but I highly doubt he wants to listen to it all the time. I’ve definitely got to try and be more positive.

Even though, things are hard right now. I’m still very stressed out and anxious. I had my first exam yesterday which was my weakest subject- telecommunications. I had been stupidly hopeful that because I had worked, I had revised I would manage to scrap a pass. Alas, it really did not go well at all. I opened the paper and my mind just went blank. I knew the first two questions, they were exact copies of the past papers and tutorials I had done multiple times but I just could not remember. I just could not think. Then it got to the last two questions and all I wanted to do was cry. They were strange questions, difficult questions. The more I went over the questions, the more my mind went blank. The more I tried to think, the more I could not. The more panicked and anxious I became. By the end of the exam I was near tears. I knew it. I did . And yet, I could not do it. Worse, I was talking to my friend today and I really did make some very stupid mistakes that I should not have. I should have done better. I am terrified. In order to progress to the MEng I have to pass all my exams. Its the first requirement. But for this subject I fucked up the lab report, and now the exam too.

Thursday night, I was so sad and disappointed that I could not concentrate and although I went out to the library to study I ended up getting nowhere. My brain still would not get into gear. Today, too, I struggled to concentrate on revision. I’m so close to finishing this year, but I’ve already lost motivation. I think that I’ve become so scared of failure that it has paralysed me and that is so ridiculous. Snap out of it, I tell myself. But I’m like that overly positive friend telling me to cheer up- empty words that don’t do very much at all but frustrate the one who has to hear it. I don’t know how. I don’t know how to fix this, I think. I don’t know how to “snap out of it” I don’t even really know what I’m feeling or why. It’s all a bit crazy.

Today, I woke up fairly late, then tried to bring some order to my room in preparation to getting it cleaned. With exams and everything I turned my back on cleaning and it just started to pile up, so seeing so I can get my room cleaned for free, I decided I would. I was not prepared for it. They were supposed to come at 1.00pm. At 1.30pm I was frantically pacing, wondering where they were. Then there was the knock on the door. I stepped out. They stepped in. I heard…noises. Out of the corner of my eye I saw them moving things. I tried to look busy by fucking around on my phone but curiosity and nervousness made it difficult to concentrate on anything. My room really was in a terrible state and I know they deal with students and they’ve probably seen it all, but I still could not help imagine them judging me. In the end they gave my room the ruthless, thorough cleaning it needed. They did move some things, and accidentally threw away a pair of my socks, but I think that’s a fair price for how glowy and clean my room is now. It’s nice to have a clean, shiny environment. And OK, its pretty great to have that without having lifted a finger myself. One less thing for me to stress about, you know?

After my room was cleaned it was back to the library, sitting by my friend and trying to get stuff done. Today was slightly better than last night, admittedly. Most of the crushing disappointment has lifted, and my friend’s reassurances that everything will be OK actually did help, because sometimes you do need to hear things like that. And there’s a clear difference between me and the person I used to be- the person I was would say “If I’m going to fail, why bother?” but now even if I feel like I’m going to fail, I’m not going down without a fight. I cannot let my fear of failure stop me from even trying. My next exam is on Tuesday- which will be mathematics. Then my last is on Thursday- electronic engineering. As much I long for them to done with already, I need to stay positive and work hard. No matter how exhausted and sick of everything I feel, I gotta keep fighting my way towards my dream. Towards the future. I will not give up on (my) life again. I must not.

I do wish though that there wasn’t the constant threat of ” too late.”

Listening To:: NINE MUSES - wild
Post Title: D'espairsRay - Brilliant

“More I feel, my heart gets worn out…”

Today has been surprisingly relaxing. Or at least, I find myself in a relatively good mood today. I think this is a lesson how less stressful and emotional a day will unfold when one a) wakes up on time b) eats properly and c) doesn’t procrastinate and gets things done.

I woke up courtesy of my dad phoning me at 7am. No, I actually wanted him to! One of the good things about the time difference between us is that when it is my morning/waking up time it is my fathers night/going to bed time, which means I am not actually inconveniencing him by asking him to give me a quick call in the morning to wake me up. The first few moments of the conversation are always awkward, as I struggle to wake up, but then we chat, just idle conversation about this and that. My dad told me about his weekend – how he has gotten a headache again and is thinking of starting up the paleo diet (for what time again is this now? I think to myself), how he bought himself a new smart phone (apparently my mother has one too, now, and actually enjoys and is able to use it. The image of my mother being tech savvy is baffling and I earn new respect for the smart phone), how his training is going for Japan. I tell him about the headache I have, about my presentation, how I think he’s ridiculous for training for Japan. You see we are planning to do some walking in Japan. The biggest walk will be hiking Mt Tokachi in the daisetsuzan national park. An actual mountain with an actual altitude. The trail is anything from eight, to ten, as many as we want hours. It’s going to be tough. As such, my father has decided to start dieting and go for regular weekend hikes. All right. But here’s where it gets funny- its all in order to get up to ‘my level’. Which makes me laugh because ‘my level’? Yes, I am significantly younger. I also spend all my time in the library or sat in front of the computer, with my only exercise being walking to an from the library and to and from the canteen/7 11. It is not a long, difficult walk. And oh yeah, I’m anemic. It’s like Father, even at your age you are probably fitter than me. This is a grand example of how much my Father loves to Plan and Prepare. Then again, I do wonder if I should be trying to squeeze some training in myself. I found Bukhansan in Korea hard and that was a peak, not a mountain. Alas, I have no one to go with, as well little clue where to go. Then there is the whole having exams thing, which means I have to be stuck in the library and in my room, studying. Sedentary.

I wish I could be training together with my dad. It sounds like fun.

Well, conversation wrapped up without me managing to convince my dad to stop worrying (he is who I get my indecision and tendency to worry from, though I manage to be worse) and off my dad went to bed, and I stumbled to my computer to turn it on so I could get on with my work. I had a lab report due today. Finishing it was one of the reasons I had to wake up early today, and why I got my Dad to ensure that I did. The thing is- I only started this report on Saturday. I found out on Friday that it is worth 20%. I have no idea why it is worth so much, but it was was and I stupidly forgot about it, put it off, willingly forget, I don’t even know what, in the mess of all the other deadlines. I somehow managed to finish it, but it is honestly one of the most rushed, sloppy pieces of work I’ve ever turned in. I just figured I’d get more marks turning in a rubbish piece of work in on time rather than handing it in late or not at all. So I did. I polished it off this morning, printed it and turned it over for marking. Then I came back to my room to run through my presentation as much as I could, before I had to go and get it over and done with.

I was so nervous I was almost shaking, and in my second run through at lunch time my nervous stammer had began to force its way into my speech. In the end, for all my nerves, for all my fear, the actual result was not so bad. It was anti-climatic, in a way. I mean it was not good. Neither was it bad. It was just…boring and unremarkable. I had someone really interesting before me talking about google glass in a very competent, interesting way and everyone loved it. Mine? I could tell everyone was really bored and slightly baffled by my topic choice. Once again, everyone chose technical things and I…did not. There were two lecturers marking it and one of them kept yawning and shifting throughout. The other actually asked me at the end during the Q&A why I had chosen this topic and I hesitated before I said “because I am interested in energy generation and its effects?” which was not a very impassioned way of describing my very real interest in it. And is not even coherent. In fact, the more I reread through my answer the more I realise the extent that it does not make sense. (Naturally, I thought of the perfect answer five minutes later as I was thinking over it) Then the other lecturer, the one who was bored, asked me for the exact price of electricity in Africa? Whilst inside I was all O_O out loud I ventured a, “I don’t know the exact figures but definitely expensive?” How dumb did I seem. Also there were technical problems halfway through my presentation- the computer just froze on me suddenly, randomly. I was terrified it was going to crash but thankfully it woke up again. I don’t think anyone noticed, really. They were all too bored by that point. On the plus side, and there is only one plus, is that compared to last time where I rushed, I did manage to speak slower this time, if not slowly. And I made sure to pause often just to give myself a chance to relax for a second, don’t panic, just slowly get through it. I did not stammer either, as I had feared. But basically – I still hate this subject. And I am fearful of what my grade will be.

Afterwards I met up briefly with my friend to pass on some work, and then he insisted on taking pictures with me which was so fucking awkward. I hate having my picture taking T_T I’m not sure if I even smiled. I do know I was tense, and probably looked that way even if I managed to muster a smile. (Honestly, I’m like Chandler in friends. Stick me in front of a camera and immediately my expression deforms…)

I came back and indulged in some down time, not fretting over deadlines, just had a good supper, watched dramas…changed the layout round here. Yes, I decided I would change the layout again. I’m sorry, I just could not handle the other one. Promise I’m not going to be that website owner who changes theme every week. This one is it, OK? (…I hope.)

I should be going to the library round about now, but I may continue my evening of relaxation. :/

Listening To: MC Sniper feat Outsider, Horan - Heart Disease

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