every day life – Page 11

“I haven’t even the strength to be happy, she wants to say. I can hardly even manage to be unhappy. Standing on my own two feet is my biggest project.”

I looked out the window last night and the whole world had turned white. I couldn’t help but feel excited: snow isn’t that common in the UK, at least the part I come from. I pulled my thick winter coat on over my pyjamas – a t-shirt and shorts – and pushed my feet into the nearest shoes. I must have looked a sight as I opened my door and ventured outside. I wanted some pictures though, before the snow got trampled and driven over and turned into grey sludge and ice. So there I was, inappropriately dressed, venturing out with my camera to take as many pictures as possible. I was amazed – there really is nothing like fresh snow. I was a little nervous, too, as I had a driving lesson today. Thankfully my driving lesson was OK as the roads were cleared although I was hopelessly distracted by the views as we ventured into the borders between city and countryside – the fields were white and the trees laden with snow. I wanted so badly to capture it, to send the pictures to my family, text body “SNOW!!”, childish and over excited.

So after my driving lesson I pulled on my walking boots, grabbed my camera and notably, absurdly, did not wear my scarf or gloves but settled for just a coat, a very warm coat, but nonetheless. I left the flat and started to walk, with the intention that as soon as I saw some fields I would take some pictures and go back. But it was so beautiful, and the air so crisp, and I felt so relaxed and was enjoying myself so much that I just kept going. Music playing softly on my Mp3 player, camera to hand, I just kept on walking along the main road, heading towards the country. I passed endless white fields, one with some curious horses, who sensed me even though I was a full field away from them, and stared at me and stared at me. I passed a field of sheep and a full murder of crows. (At least, I think they were crows.) Most fields were white and empty. I eventually stumbled upon a Nature Reserve I had no idea existed and therein lay a perfect winter wonderland – a forest, all the trees laden with snow and finally, a frozen over lake. It was a little thrilling, entering this place I did not know, not knowing what lay within, then walking and walking, just following the other people and their dogs with no idea where I was really going or where I was.

I turned off my music so I could listen to the birds sing.

Finally, I got a bit lost, then found my way and managed to get home OK. I had spent a few hours out, and my face and hands were numb from the cold, but it was worth it.

I also got to play some more with my new camera. That was actually one of the reasons I was so keen to get out there – I badly wanted to see what my camera could do.

The camera is my first big purchase with my salary. I was terrified buying it – so unused to spending so much at one go that I was convinced my bank card would fail. When it all went through I was quite relieved and very excited. The first time I used it was at the welsh zoo, and it took beautiful pictures, and the 18x zoom was something I had never had before and found totally amazing. Today I am even more surprised by my pictures. Look, I know a camera can only do so much to cover bad photography skills, but I think this one is particularly forgiving. My photos are so HD and sharply focused, the zoom so handy and so steady, and it coped so well with the snow. Last night it also managed to take photos in the pitch black – which is also something new to me. I am really quite pleased with it, and so glad that I made my big purchase this, instead of the fashion item I wanted to buy. At first I was disappointed at how sensible I was being, I wanted to make just one big, reckless purchase. But its better this way – it was a reckless purchase, as it may not have been the right time with all my current outgoings, and I am going to get a lot of use out of this camera. More use than any fashion item. And I am already enjoying using it so much.

Post Title: The Black Path - Åsa Larsson

A day at the Welsh Mountain Zoo

Snow Leopard Female Sumatran Tiger Fallow Deer Przewalski's Wild Horse Snow Leopards Snow Leopard fur Snow Kitty Snow Kitty about to climb a tree Snow kitty climbing a tree Snow Kitty in a tree Red Panda Red Panda Cubs Margay Meercat Birds View of the nearby village and sea

The boxing day before last my sister, my father and I went to the welsh mountain zoo – primarily to see the snow leopards. A few months prior to that my sister had been to see the two new snow leopard cubs, and she wanted to see how they were getting on. My sister loves animals, and of them, cats are her favourite. She didn’t want to leave the zoo that time, because she was enjoying watching the snow leopard cubs so much! During that visit we saw that the zoo was raising money to refurbish the snow leopard enclosure, and I made a mental note of that.

Fast forward: last year, Christmas. I thought to adopt one of the leopards for my sister, as a donation and fabulous present. I was poking around the website though and discovered the animal encounters. For a small fee, you can meet the zoo keeper and get a little closer to an animal of your choice and feed them. For the snow leopards there would be a safety barrier of course- this wasn’t like the tiger centre my sister and I went to in Changmai, where the tigers were as tame and playful as domestic kitties (and the one we went to they were not drugged. We absolutely do not support that!) We were able to meet them and touch them and they loved…well tolerated, cats are cats are offish, it. These snow kitties were a little wilder. I still thought my sister would love it.

Fast forward further: this year, the 2nd of January. The encounter ticket allowed a third person to come but not take part. So my dad came alone to act as taxi driver and photographer. We were worried about the weather, but it was still and calm as we drove and we didn’t know it then, but it was going to remain that way- with an icy edge to the air that the snow leopards would love. We got to the zoo around 1pm and went to see the tigers first, then the paddocks with a a very out of place ostrich pair and some beautiful Przewalski’s wild horses and deer. The horses were very shy and the deer were very curious – the one deer had lost sight in its one eye though, the poor thing, so it was struggling to be curious: it was trying to look at me but you could tell it couldn’t focus. We then ended up getting a little lost and not seeing too much and having to rush to get to the office to meet the zoo keeper. Thankfully the zoo keeper was a little late, so there were no problems. He led us to the snow leopard enclosure and took us to a small part round the back, where there was just one fence separating us from the cats. He set down a bucket of meat, my sister and I put on gloves, and then we took turns feeding the kitties using very long, very strong metal prongs whilst chatting to the zoo keeper. Our dad was let round the back, but had to stand back and was not allowed to feed them. This made photographing easy for him.

The kitties were adorable. It was just the parents and the boy cub left- who wasn’t much of a cub any more! He was pretty huge. We found out from the zoo keeper that the leopards reject their children at about two years old, so they try to send them away before that. The sister/girl had been sent down south, and the brother/boy was 18 months old, and ready to go, but was being sent to Japan which would take a bit more time and paperwork! Of the three only the boy ate, he ate it all! The parents could have chased him off but they couldn’t be bothered.

Soon enough the food dwindled and disappeared. My sister and I de-gloved and sanitised our hands then we were allowed to stand for a moment to observe and talk more with the keeper. He has been with the snow leopards from the start, so he knew everything. It was really interesting. The snow kitties themselves were fairly active- washing and lazying and playing around. My sister took pics but I trusted in my dad, I just wanted to enjoy the moment …be more present…not see it from behind the lens?

Eventually it had to end, we parted with the cats and their keeper and then went to look around the zoo some more- I was pretty keen to see the red pandas! Unfortunatly one was curled up in its tree and completly passed out, but the other climbed down just as we got there, and led us straight to the two red panda cubs they have. They were tucked up in the private area of their enclosure, but we could just about see them from afar. At two months old, they seemed full grown! Then we meandered around some more, and eventually ended up at the Margay enclosure where we had our second lucky encounter of the day – the Margay was out! It was darting around so fast we only just saw it, and could hardly photograph it, but its a very shy, nocturnal creature so it was pretty exciting to get even a glimpse! I think I saw a similar cat at a night zoo in Asia, but it was something else to have it come out in the day.

Honestly, it was an amazing day out. There weren’t any crowds and all the animals were about, even the kitties and we even caught site of the brown bears… The zoo is lovely and small and always quiet in the winter, which makes for a very pleasant day out. I’m so happy with how thrilled my sister was with it all too. This Christmas was the first that I was working so I went all out with my presents, and I feel so happy to finally be able to give back to my family not only the wonderful things they have blessed me with, but the wonderful experiences.

Kitty may have eaten too much…

Starry Starry Night

I’m sitting in my favourite armchair with my cat asleep on my lap, just as I envisioned. A perfect moment, if not for the stiffness in my body from sitting in one place for so long.

I’ve been home for a week now and I’m really getting into this hanging around the house doing nothing business, which is probably not a good thing. Soon it will be new years and back to the usual work sleep routine.

Christmas was nice this year. I came home on Christmas eve and so did my sister, and so for a few days the whole family was under the same roof. There was much bickering but also laughter, my sister and I ganging up to annoy our parents like we used to.

I expected to be dragged out of bed for Christmas day, but I was still in the work routine, and my cat was hungry, so I ended up waking/being woken early and sitting around waiting for everyone else. My cat kept me company, at least. Finally everyone woke up and the usual Christmas routine started- all of us sat around the tree, my sister handing out the presents, and only once they have been carefully divided and pile size compared does the opening begin. I got some lovely presents. As is now usual, most were very practical- a throw to cover my white armchair, kitchen items, a few bits of clothing and plenty of little bits to decorate my home in.

After that I helped my dad with lunch, we ate a ridiculous amount and then came the rather dull part of christmas- the part where you run out of celebrations, but its still Christmas!!, so you feel a bit dejected and bored and unsure what to do.

I guess I did feel uncomfortable at home those first few days, too. Still finding my footing, reacquainting myself with my old room and all my old things. Living at home has its advantages- free, unlimited food, my cat, my father’s tablet, the bread maker, no chores! But there is also having to deal with people all around you at all times, and the noise of them can be comforting, but then there’s the arguing and my mothers criticsm, her constant complaining and my father’s passive aggressive remarks and that sucks.

I have hardly left the house. Which may be why I’m feeling stifled. My parents have been sweet- they both went crazy buying my favourite foods for instance. I also enjoy doing nothing, but it worries me how much. I did venture out for a days shopping and the movies with my sister, where I nearly spent £100 on an item and still want to, and my dad and I went to the pet shop to get cat food and look at the little animals there.

Yep, its all very boring and lazy right now. I want to get back to my apartment and my own space. But I also want to stay in the safety and comfort of the nest. I do not want to leave my cat. I am nervous about work.

I really can’t believe how fast this year is coming to its end.

“There is a fire deep inside us, and nobody else can see when it burns out.”

The longer you step back from blogging, the harder it is to step back in. You want to write a casual entry, but it feels like you have to fill in the spaces between, and it becomes awkward. So here I am discussing this awkwardness to ease back in. There will be gaps, perhaps.

Let’s just pretend they aren’t there.

I have now finished work for 2015. I have until January the 4th to collect my thoughts before starting again. Starting work has not been easy. By November I was back at the doctor’s office to get stronger medication and a referral to counselling. I’ve had a lot of problems sleeping and getting out of bed in the morning: it was humiliating being told off by my boss for tardiness. This isn’t who I am. But it, sadly, is who I let myself become. I tried to start running. I envisioned those characters in books and movies running away from their sadness and their anger and frustration, and unfortunately the reality is not so swift and graceful or relieving. I stopped running. I did some more Yoga, but not really enough. I took the stronger medicine. I ate badly and relied on plenty of sugar to get me through the days. Well, that is what I have been doing. That is what I am still doing. Work is very difficult, very challenging. I love it, it’s everything, everything I have ever wanted but it’s also very new, very different, and did I mention hard? There is a steep adjustment curve coming fresh from university. I am trying, trying much harder, taking every day at a time and persevering. I want so badly for this to work. To become the person I envision in my mind, and not let this anxiety cripple me.

My new city is still very different, and a little overwhelming. I have settled nicely into my new flat – I have my new marimo, I have been slowly increasing furniture, putting more pictures up, trying to keep up with the chores (there’s a rabbit hole you cannot fall down when you aren’t feeling mentally well: whatever happens, keep cleaning, keep showering, keep putting your best clothes on. Do not let your surroundings mirror your feelings, or they will consume you.) I have been into town a few times, and each time felt better and more proud of myself as the crowds make me feel just a little less shaky and nauseous. Somehow, I got my Christmas shopping done. I also invited my mother and my sister round to my flat for my mother’s birthday. My sister and I took our mother to see Girls, the musical based on the calendar girls. It was very British and very funny. My mother loved it. Before that, we took her out to a fancy supper. The place was loud and crowded and I hated it, but my mother thrived on the energy of all those people and being out. I was so happy to make her happy – this was my idea, and it had worked, I thought. The next day was not so great – my sister was grouchy, and my mother and I reacted to it, and it was pouring with rain, so a trip to the city centre to shop was not pleasant. We had to rush, too, which didn’t help. Then we went home. I felt sad and disappointed as to how things had turned out. We had a fancy lunch on Sunday, the whole family and my sister’s boyfriend, and I am embarrassed by how snappish and moody I was. I guess that childishly I wanted to get back at my sister. Her boyfriend was there – let me make her feel that same uncomfortableness I did on Saturday. Let her taste that bitter disappointment. That was my outing, and you ruined it. I can be a terrible person sometimes, especially when my anxiety isn’t stable. I can be so withdrawn and cruel when I am hurting. Its so easy to become self-absorbed when hurt. Pathetic, really. After lunch, my Dad took me home and the work/sleep cycle started again.

I will be going home for Christmas. Home again. I keep going home. Returning to the safety of the nest. I envision myself in a comfortable armchair, cat snuggled up on my lap, a warm and heavy weight slowly causing my legs to go numb, her claws slightly pressed into my thigh. A book, my kindle, browsing on my father’s tablet. The sound of the birds outside. The sound of my father and mother, inside, somewhere in the house. I want to be home.

And yes, it’s Christmas. I don’t feel particularly fazed, as ever. I never like this time of year. Its dark, the year is closing before I am ready for it to, and I want to go home to South Africa, and to what once was. Every year, the same heavy feeling of homesickness, but now, for the first time, it is rather the memory of it. I no longer have anything to long for, and the absence of those ties is perhaps worse than having them. I want to go back, fetch the rope and stretch it back out. Tie the knots a little tighter this time.

Next year I will be 24. I will have spent 18 years of my life in the UK. Some other dates, all around this time. My grandmother will be dead for three years. My cat, it is her 10th birthday on Christmas, which she nearly didn’t make – she had cancer, and maybe still has it. We are all ageing, moving slowly towards the inevitable end. I feel older. But also too young. I work every day feeling like I slipped into an alternate universe, or into another point of time, and am having to adjust despite my alienation and lack of understanding of this new, foreign culture. Next year, I will be working for the whole year. This is my life now. Its thrilling, but terrifying. Where will I be next year? Will I finally adjust? Will the counselling work out, third time a charm? Will I ever stop feeling embarrassed for every little thing I do or say?

The future and all the potentials it holds are enormous, it’s overwhelming, it’s amazing. Here’s to next year, here’s to this year. I survived it, in the end. Never thought I would, to be honest.

Post Title: a softer world

Drive

I had my first driving lesson in my new city tonight. (The time on this entry has gone wierd, I am actually posting this on Saturday the 7th…)

Yes, I finally got myself back behind the wheel. I grew a bit sick of myself in regards to how I was putting it off and I was also growing aware that my theory test would expire next year*- and would not be so easy to retake when working. I also knew that financially I am in a place now, after two months of having a salary, to afford it. I am also aware that part of my job is to travel to site or training, which I can’t do easily now. Basically – I needed to man up and get on with it. I knew that. So one evening last week I just sat down, did some googling, found a school that looked good and that was affordable and sent an email off to them. No hesitancy- I was going to get on with it. The next day they replied and by mid-week this week I had a lesson arranged. I was so glad they could fit me in so quickly, before my determination had withered.

I was super nervous for tonight anyway though- what if I’d forgotten everything? But its weird how not strange it all felt. I was a bit shaky on the pedals and a bit hesitant on my gear changes from lack of practice, and I did make some mistakes judging hazards. But otherwise I could still drive mostly independent from the instructor. It felt so weirdly familiar. I keep using the word weird, but that is the best word I can think of. I was not expecting to remember so much.

I was still shocked when at the end of the lesson she said I was test ready. I don’t feel test ready (and once she sees my manoeuvres and my roundabouts and struggles with 5th gear probably she won’t either…) I also don’t feel confident in this city. So she said that it would be probably best to spend a few months building up confidence, practising where they would take me on the test to do so. Which sounds like a good plan.

I swear, if everything had gone badly tonight and she had turned to me and said “you’ve driven before?” I would have just given up. This is a nice confidence booster. I just hope next week goes as well! (And that I can still parallel park.)

(*The UK drivers test is made up of a theory test and a practical test. Once the theory test is taken and passed the pass certificate is valid for two years.)

Tags

Categories

Archives

Blogroll