Only a few hours left of this year. Less than two. Time passes so quickly. I remember being 15 years old and thinking about the way I wouldn’t be alive after I turned 18. 6 years later and I’m still alive, I’m still here, clinging on. I finished school, now I’m about to finish university. It feels strange and more than a little scary – I’ve never seriously thought about what comes next, cannot imagine a life without exams and coursework and lectures. I still don’t have a job anyway- but I have plenty of rejections, and a couple of failed interviews to show for my efforts. I’m at home and my dad is taking care of me and my sister is here, a little because of me but mostly because her boyfriend isn’t at their home and she wants company. My sister and my father and I went to the zoo on boxing day and we saw snow leopards. It was fun. Christmas itself was boring.
I’m currently bored at home, with too much to do and too little motivation, and feeling trapped. I’ve been at home too long. My mother and my sister keep fighting. My father and my mother keep fighting. I don’t know why I thought coming home for two weeks is a good idea. Why I thought it would help me to feel better by being here. The atmosphere in the house is tense, very still but not in a calm manner – in a fragile manner, anticipatory, waiting to be interrupted, always watching over your shoulder, always ready to turn the music up louder and pretend that it isn’t happening again. Still.
Summary: Christmas was not bad, boring. University is not bad, boring, difficult, I’m still sick of it. Revision is only just happening, and I may hand my coursework in late for the first time this January. I haven’t been to work for a while and I cannot decide if I miss it. I still feel tired and sad, and so so anxious.
2015.
I doubt anything will be different.