→ This post is really good – The Truth About Being Healthy [hint: it doesn’t look like Pinterest] To quote – “The biggest lie you’ve ever been told about building a healthier life is that it’s easy.”
→ I have been thinking about fitness lately. I was watching a drama and the heroine was at a gym class that looked really fun. I caught myself thinking I want to do that. I even found myself researching gyms in the area. I do not have a good history with sport though. I was always the last to be picked in P.E(Physical Education) throughout school and don’t even get me started on how much I hated being forced to have P.E every week for so many reasons beside, I started horse riding and was double the age than everyone there, and had half the skill, I tried badminton and archery, but everyone else at those clubs wanted to play seriously, and I just wanted to have fun. So I gave up. I admit I also tend to jump into it but become uncomfortable and then stop. I am always aware of the fact that I’m a certain age and I don’t have much experience of exercise – which makes it awkward starting new things, and with sticking with it when I can’t catch up quickly. But lately – I’ve been thinking of starting up something.
→ It all started with my commute to university. I have a long commute to university. I thought at the beginning of this semester that it would be a really good way of incorporating exercise into my daily routine – walking to uni, and walking back. One the one hand, I’m not sure its working out. I walk for an hour – at a pretty brisk pace. By the time I get to uni I’m hot, sweat soaked and uncomfortable. I take a change of shirt into university, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m still sweating. I feel slightly self conscious because of it. I know I look flushed and tired. I also feel very limited by what I can wear – as I have to layer carefully so I can layer down and up as neccesary (as I get hot, then eventually become cold), and I have to be able to change in a cramped bathroom stall, and quickly, before university, and I have to wear flat shoes.
I also find it really tiring sometimes – walking there, walking back. Sometimes I’m so anxious that I cannot concentrate on audio books, and it becomes a long walk stewing in my own anxiety.
→ On the other hand, I also think its really good for my anxiety, and this is why I have been thinking about starting something. During my exams I would sit through the exam panicked, feeling tearful, seriously thinking about harming myself, but afterwards a long, fast paced walk set to furious rock music really helped me calm down to a certain extent. I think its good to have that time to work all my anxious thoughts, and burn them off.
→ I do not want to lose weight. OK, I do. But I’m trying to reign that in. If I do take action in regard to my fitness, it will be for my mental and physical well-being and I will not get excessive about it. I admit this is also holding me back – I’m scared that I’ll pretend to solve my eating disorder, by flipping to another extreme – controlling my diet excessively and exercising obsessively. Its hard to know where the balance lies. And its because I feel like I do not know where to draw the line that I also hesitate. I tell myself I’m interested in fitness for the reasons above – but there is that voice telling me I need to be thinner. That I’m not doing enough to restrict my eating so I need to start exercising more. Yeah. I need to deal with that first, I think. Then I wonder – am I using this as an excuse? Because I’ve not quite come to terms with my eating disorder – I still feel a lot like I’m making a big deal out of nothing, and I’m not sure where I stand with my relation to food and to my body image. So either way, I probably should be careful at this point, but I do wonder at what point it would then be a good point to start. Its only a mild eating disorder after all, but I’m scared of making it worse – of making myself worse, almost as if I feel the need to make it worse to justify it. It adds a slightly messy, uncomfortable complication to this thought of I want to do that.
→ I do really like that I feel like I am becoming fitter. After years of anaemia, I became used to always feeling tired and out of breath, dizzy even after exercise (by which I mean, even 10 minutes of walking or walking up the stairs). After my iron levels returned to normal I was pretty saddened to find that I did not magically become OK, as I mentioned in a previous post. But its getting better! There are two routes to my university lectures – one is slightly longer, but flat. The other is shorter but filled with hills. I usually chose the flat route as it was easier for me – the hills on the other one tired me out too much. When I was anaemic, it would make me dizzy and tired. Today I walked the hilly way and I felt slightly more tired – but I didn’t feel feint or out of breath – I wasn’t gasping for breath, or panting at all. It was pretty good. [Well, I’ll be honest. It was amazing. It was like that time I found myself running and I felt OK.] It makes me feel hopeful that I am building up a certain level of fitness. Which is good as I am still aiming to climb a mountain this summer, and I don’t want to feel so exhausted as I did when I climbed Mt. Tarumae and Mt. Helvellyn last summer.
Then again, I’m not getting any elevation training right now, which is a problem.
→ I really do want to go walking again – properly. I am thinking about signing up to another of the university rambling society walks – but it feels kind of awkward, after not going for so long. There is also the weather to think about – beautifully sunny and warm one day, then suddenly raining, then suddenly windy, its all over the place. and then there is also money – its £9 per walk for the society and I just cannot afford that. I am going to dinner with my father on Wednesday and I am going to casually suggest we meet up to walk in the peak district together – I can get a train for about £3 which is marginally better. There is still the weather though. I love walking. I want to do more of it, but its not the most convenient of sports – its location based, time consuming and highly weather dependent, unless you get really hardcore about it and are willing to walk in any weather imaginable- which I am really, really not.
→ So I think for now, after all that, I’ll stick what I’m doing. I’ll keep walking every day despite the annoying aspects of it, try and focus on climbing a mountain in the summer, and once I get a bit further into my counselling I’ll see about taking further steps. And it won’t be through joining a club or a gymn – I’ll like, buy myself some fitness DVDs or something that I can do privately whilst I ease into it. Yes, I think thats the plan. I think thats a good plan. Its hard to know.
→ I cannot believe I just wrote over a thousand words about fitness. I must really be growing up. XD