This week not much has happened. It was the last week of the Autumn term and there were hardly any lectures, and I spent most of it in the library battling to make progress with revision. It still does not go very well, I’m struggling to concentrate and to get things done. I still feel overwhelmed by it all.
On Wednesday I had a little break when I went out to dinner with my Japanese classmates and sensei to a Japanese restaurant. It was a little awkward, for starters I over planned the journey and arrived 50 minutes early and had to sit at a bus stop for 40 minutes in the freezing cold, and then when I got there I did not know anyone, but eventually I settled into it and surprised myself by joining in to various conversations around me. It helped that everyone was very friendly, and interesting. We talked a lot about travel and Japan and that was nice. I loved being able to talk about my love for these things and not feel ashamed about it – because you are surrounded by people who have similar experiences, who have their own unique experiences, who love Japan just as much. I liked that I could be open about being South African, and no one cared. I actually really, really like how at this stage of life I can be open about being South African – though it makes me sad to think I have already given up my accent because before no one would accept me when I talked that way. Anyway, It was nice. I felt nervous and self conscious but I coped and even enjoyed myself a little. And although there were slight moments of awkwardness, I do not think I said anything too embarrassing. As for the food, I had vegetable soba noodles with karaage chicken, and it was delicious. Thankfully I could still use chopsticks after a few months of not using them, and my Japanese teacher used me as an example of how to eat soba to another girl who had the same thing (I smiled and did not mention I had looked it up on youtube before coming there.) I then followed it by a naughty matcha latte, which I regretted later as it irritated the hell out of my eczema. I guess I’ve been dairy free for a while now and I wanted to try milk again, just to see what would happen. Although I love the bitter taste of matcha, I no longer feel that appeal for milk, nor do I like how it makes me feel. It was good to discover that. Anyway, Japanese classes ended last Tuesday – with our sensei showing us Waterboys. It was the third time I’ve see that movie, but it never gets less funny. It was another little break. I do worry about Japanese, I struggle to find time to fit it in, but I like that it gives me a break from engineering, that it gives me something a bit different to do with my week. Consequently I signed up for level 2 part 2 next semester. Hopefully next Semester I will have more time!
It is quite hard to believe how quickly Christmas is approaching. I finally got around to booking train tickets to go home the other day. It feels strange to say it that way, that I am going home. Everyone asks me “when are you going home?” too. But it does not feel like I am returning home. Being in my childhood bedroom feels comfortable and familiar, but I no longer associate my parental home as home. It feels quite grown up to say it like this, that I am just visiting my family – arriving in the afternoon on the 24th and leaving early on the 27th. It feels right to do it like that though – I really do not feel like spending any more time with my family. I need my own space, my own routine. I have always felt fairly certain that the UK isn’t home, but it is only after Malaysia that I realise the extent I have long been detached from the idea of settling down here – seeing my family occasionally and communicating with them through email or over the phone feels right, this house I currently live in feels nice, but temporary. I am itching to get away from it all – and with just over a year and a half of my degree left to go I find myself anticipating my future career and the opportunities it may land me. I feel filled with hope of being able to go abroad – even just for a few weeks a year is fine. The thought of staying in the same place forever makes me feel uneasy.
Job applications are slowly coming along. I’ve sent off four applications now, and need to send off another one before I feel I would have done enough for this year. The process of writing cover letters and competency questions is stressful, but I also cannot help but feel excited. I find myself spending time idly reading through the information on company websites, or flicking through pamphlets gathered from the careers fair, trying to picture working, and mostly failing, but feeling excited nonetheless. Its worrying, to find myself falling so completely head over heels for companies that may never hire me, but its hard to stop myself. I often doubt whether choosing engineering was the right choice, whether I am suited for this subject, but this process of applying to jobs has really made me realise just how much I do nevertheless love this subject, and just how much I want to have a career as an engineer. It’s scary, I really do not know when I became qualified enough to take on a minor engineering role in major company roles. Although I am jumping ahead of myself here – although technically I may be at that level, it remains to be seen if any companies actually want to hire me. I am filled with anticipation though, constantly checking my emails, glancing at the phone out the corner of my eye. I find searching and applying for jobs, and the thought of working as an engineer, so surreal, but I want it so badly. I hope it all works out.
Next week I need to try and settle into a good study routine. Time is running out and I need to start getting somewhere with it. I also have a counselling appointment on Monday, and I need to see the doctor at some point too. I’m still really messed up and I cannot say things are improving there, but I am continuing to make small steps towards recovery… I guess. Either way, as nervous as I am about Monday, I am looking forward to getting some of my thoughts out of my head. I am so anxious, so worried, so stressed. I think it will help to talk about it. I want to have my old focus back, I want to stop being so afraid, to stop feeling so useless. I think I am too hard on myself sometimes, and that maybe I could be an interesting and capable person if I had more confidence, but thinking that and accepting it are two different things.