I can’t believe I have to go back to university this Sunday. Dreading it doesn’t even cover it. I am not prepared to dealing with people again. I don’t feel like sitting through long lectures. I haven’t done any of my coursework, and revision isn’t really going well either. I don’t know if I’m going to pass my exams, and I want to, I really want to, but no matter what I do it never feels enough. I feel confused. I feel so stupid.
I’m really scared. Things have been going OK and it feels surreal, feels like I’m waiting for it to fall apart. Because I can’t succeed. I don’t feel like I’m good enough. I try and convince myself that I am, but then I become scared I’ll jinx it. Always this fear. I don’t really know how to be happy, without fearing the loss of it. I continue to tell myself “Everything will be OK”, but it feels more and more like a lie with every passing day. I’m tired of it. It’s not really OK. I am trying but I don’t know if its enough, and I’m scared of the consequences if I can’t pull through.
Really, I’ll be so happy when this semester is over and done with.