I’m so sick of embarrassing myself with the things I say and do. I just, I can be such an idiot. I function best with a backspace, you know? And I feel like there is a whole list of social rules that I do not know, and constantly trample on. All the little underlying meanings to what people say and do are totally lost on me. And don’t get me started on how much I hate small talk. Small talk has to be the most baffling thing on the planet. How does a single “How are you?” lead to a conversation? :/ And then, even things like asking for help in labs is so anxiety inducing and I usually end up feeling embarrassed and miserable afterwards.
I am constantly left feeling like an idiot, regretting saying and doing the things that I do. Wishing I’d said or done differently, thinking of all the things I should have said or done when its too late. And I know I make a big deal out of small things, but I can’t shake the feeling that all these small things are adding up in peoples mind to form a really bad impression. I bet people think I’m a little weird. I don’t want them to think that, obviously. I really do hate interacting with people. It makes me want to curl up in bed and never leave.
Also, it gets old very quickly being one of around 10 girls on my course. I stand out so much already that I feel like I should be pretty and clever and social so that I stand out in the best way. :/ I wish more girls did engineering. Why don’t more girls want to do engineering?