Today I was in the library with my group. We have this presentation to work on so our class has been split into smaller groups. I am in a group with the single other girl in my class, and 3 other boys. So we were sitting in the library and suddenly this guy goes to me “so 90.” and I don’t get it at first but soon I realise they were talking about a piece of coursework we’d had to do recently. I had gotten a 91/100. Pretty good and yes I did feel proud, and relieved because I had been expecting to fuck it up. My tutor had even praised me about it. I felt good about it. Until today.
Turns out the boys know my mark. This is where I get flustered and embarrassed. They tease me calling me “genius.” and teasing me that I should do their work for them. We joke around- I say yes I’ll do their work on their presentation if they pay me (jokingly) and they agree (jokingly). They all seem a bit shocked at my mark and I don’t get it, not really, but OK, fine I’ll go along with their teasing because the aren’t being sinister. Inside though it was everything I didn’t want to hear. Fine, be impressed but please don’t treat me like I’m some kind of genius. I’m no better than you guys. I’ve spent years watching my friends get A’s, listening them to complain about getting a B in a test whilst sitting there with my U. Feeling proud of myself when I go from a U to a E to then see them gushing about how they got an A and feeling like a failure. They were clever. They could procrastinate and still get bloody A’s. I’ll never be that person. I am not clever. I failed my A levels and to get into university (at first.) I failed my music exams, one music exam I failed twice. Do not call me a genius because it hurts, even if you’re just teasing me. It reminds me of everything I am not and never will be and everything I want to be. I struggle, I don’t get things at first, I make stupid mistakes, I need to read the guidelines/question over and over before I know what I need to do. I don’t know how to study effectively, even after years of schooling nor do I know how to revise effectively for exams. I make mistakes, I repeat mistakes and maybe I will then succeed, maybe then I won’t. I’m terrible at exams, at remembering information and repeating it. I am not clever. Hell I’m not even that much of a hard worker.
I am going to start to really struggle next semester when things get tougher, hell I’m struggling right now with the technical reports we’ve got to do. And I am trying not to think about how difficult first year engineering will eventually be.
I’m never going to be intelligent and I’m still dealing with that. So don’t even tease me about this one fluke of a good coursework. Believe me when the exam results come out, and the marks for the lab reports come out you’ll see exactly how pathetically average I am.