It was my birthday on Saturday. 24 years old and definitely feeling it- although I think my anxiety over my age is actually more anxiety over the fact that it drives home the age of my family. My sister bought a house recently, my cousin had a baby, and on Saturday it was a year (exactly) since my own graduation. I think about where I’m at in life, and whether it’s at the right place, and feel anxious that I’m not. I don’t feel particularly adult. I feel a mess. I am lost and overwhelmed and trying to come to terms with my reality, but it’s hard.
On Saturday I went to the pet store to buy some plants and yet more fish tank accessories (it’s never ending) I got to see adorable axolotls, kittens and bunnies whilst there at least. (I nearly took home one of all, of course) I came home and planted and cleaned the new tank, and then prepared and fed peas to my fish, who actually seemed to enjoy them. I then had to clean the house- My parents were coming round for my birthday and I was nervous for their opinions on my flat. I shouldn’t have bothered. My mom started muttering about my flat as soon as she arrived- it feels like no matter what I do, it’s not good enough. My sister curled my hair and reassured me.and then thankfully we could leave/get out the house.
We went to a Mediterranean restaurant for an early supper. The restaurant was quiet at 5.30pm, which was nice. The food was divine- we ended up with starters, mains and dessert. The staff were lovely, and helpful. I asked the waiter about cream in my main meal, and he remembered it enough to come to our table after we’d order dessert and ask if the butter in the dessert was ok. (I felt a bit guilty saying yes. I probably shouldn’t have, but I love pastry too much) afterwards we drove into the city centre to watch let it be, a Beatles tribute. It was amazing. They’d obviously put a lot of effort into it and were likely mimicking specific performances to the smallest details. In between performances they showed clips, of Beatlemania (kpop fans have nothing over that, i thought to myself) and they even had an ad break with some old adverts that would definitely not be considered pc today. It was adorable watching my parents, especially my shy father, get into the show- cheering, dancing and singing along. For a time, not speaking to each other and absorbed in a common interest, we all got on, were even affectionate to each other. Afterwards we were happy and relaxed enough to get ice creams and chat pleasantly whilst eating them on the walk back to the car.
Sunday wasn’t as good. Everyone was a little tired. My mom in particular was in a bad mood. We went for a walk at a local park / botanic gardens and it was ok, at times. My mom was a dog with a bone: she wouldn’t stop nagging me, about the tiniest, most insignificant things. My mom holds my flat to standards she herself doesn’t apply to our family home and I don’t understand it.
I felt a little relieved when they all left. Which is terrible, but I was starting to feel smothered and way too criticised. Since then, work as usual. The days bleed into each other, always doing the same things. Keeping the same routine. I am tired, a little depressed.