I went to the doctor today for a work medical. I was terribly nervous about it before hand. I knew what it would be about. I had filled out a medical form a few weeks ago where I had put details of my anxiety and the fact I was on antidepressants. I knew that this had come up as a red flag for HR. I was so terrified about saying the wrong thing and being found unfit for work or needing special precautions. I don’t want any of that. I never, ever want to give in to my mental illness or let it define me. To do that would be like giving up, like giving in. Then my father and I got terribly lost trying to find the health center and my father shouted at me for messing up the directions, and then I was sitting in a large, empty waiting room waiting for my medical to begin. All of it combined to make me feel panicked and like something very terrible was about to unfold. I quite frankly, wanted to run for the hills. (So to speak.)
The doctor was nice enough. He went to the same university as me, so he made small talk about it between routine questions. And yet, I left the appointment feeling upset and annoyed. In the end, I was told that he would tell my employer I was fit for work, but vulnerable to highly stressful situations, which I think sounds reasonable. But I also got the old you need to be in CBT talk combined with a dose of medicine won’t fix your problems. One thing I appreciated, of many, about my old doctor was the way he never pushed anything on me. When I said I did not want anymore CBT, that I had enough of it, my doctor understood. He let me take control of my treatment, and he never made me feel ashamed of my choices. This doctor did not.
It also annoys me, the way that CBT is touted as the answer to everything, as the great cure. It’s dangerous, I think, to give that impression to patients. Yes, for some people maybe it does work, but I don’t think it’s a one size fits all treatment such as it’s touted to be. And even if it helps, it may not cure. It didn’t for me. CBT was fine when I went through it but in the long run I don’t believe in going through CBT again and again and again. What is the point? I get it now. You go to the CBT, you come away with some things to think about, maybe a book to refer to in the future, and then it’s up to you. Even with the CBT it’s up to you. And quite frankly, all those questions and work booklets never did anything compared to having someone anonymous to listen to me. And I can quite easily ramble to my mother or write a diary entry instead of dragging myself to the doctors. It’s all the same for me, you know? I never quite got the point of CBT, or what exactly I was supposed to be learning or how I was supposed to be changing. It always made me feel vaguely confused. I always worried about putting the wrong answers to the questions and it all felt like one very difficult test without a clear marking guide.
Besides, you need to move forwards. I have moved forwards. I’m not at that stage now. This doctor was talking to me like I don’t know anything, like I have not been dealing with this for years and am still confused about it all. I’ve been having problems with my mental health for years and I can cope with it. Just about. I take my medicine, I try to eat well and look after myself. I do yoga and breathing exercises to help me relax (and to sleep). I try to be creative: to blog, to read, to do needlework. I push myself to do things that scare me: from the smallest things, like making phonecalls, to learning to drive, to completing a difficult degree and starting a graduate position. I don’t need to make any mood diaries or to evaluate my feelings: I understand, by now, my triggers, and what to do when triggered. When things get bad, I rely on beta blockers, I make sure to take a day or two off for wallowing, and then I throw myself back in the deep end. Ultimately, the only thing you can do is to keep going. To acknowledge the bad thoughts, but not let them define your actions. To always have hope for something better, that despite the bad foreboding feeling, something unexpectedly wonderful could also happen. No matter what, never give up hope. I felt myself slipping this last year of university, felt my hope beginning to twist and grow small. So I took medicine. I took strong medicine, I got through, and now I am on a low dose just to keep myself stable.
According to this doctor, taking medicine for anxiety is not right.
But you know, maybe I will up my medicine if things get really bad again, and I don’t need this doctor to tell me this isn’t a solution. I tried for years to cope without medicine, too ashamed to admit I needed it, and it was stupid. Being on medicine has its side effects, and it’s not the “happy pill” its touted to be, but it gives me the right edge to help me get through my days a little easier. I will not be made to feel ashamed of that. (Except I have, haven’t I?)
To me, more CBT would be running backwards, back to the start of my journey to forming myself into someone competent and capable. I no longer believe in recovery, but I believe that I can be strong, that I can live a brilliant, fulfilling life despite the darkness lurking in my mind. I believe in myself and my own strength. I can do this myself, with the support of my family, my doctor, and my little pills. I don’t need CBT.
Fine. Right now, I do not need therapy. Mostly I hate having it pushed on to me. Let me make my own choices about what is right for me. Don’t patronise me and make me feel like a child who knows nothing about what is best for herself. I am not so far gone that I do not understand myself or my needs.
(I feel so sad to leave my doctor behind in my old city.)