I cannot be the only one slightly startled at the sudden arrival of March? I know I say this often, but where on earth is time going? Someone once told me that university goes by in a flash, and it does seem to be turning out that way.
On Wednesday my father was in the area so he came to visit me. He arrived 3 hours earlier than he said – at which point I was on the bus coming home. It made me a little flustered to have no time to get myself or my house ready and to know he was there waiting whilst I was on the bus, which could take as much or little time as it wanted to get anywhere. (Typically, there was traffic and the bus stopped at every stop which only increased my anxiety.) Anyway, I got home and then we hung out for a bit – I made him some coffee and we chatted and it was a little awkward for a little while but then we made plans to go to IKEA before getting food and once we had a plan most of the awkwardness faded. I do not know why I feel so awkward around my father?
I guess lately I have been wondering – am I too close, too dependent on my family? Am I burden on them, because I am so shy and withdrawn, and therefore rely on them? I am acutely aware that I probably am too dependent on my family. At this age, I should be shifting my support network to a boyfriend or friends right? But I still find the first people I turn to are my sister and my father. I do not want to bother them and I don’t want to be a burden and yet, I need them to be there for me. Its probably selfish, isn’t it. I feel like such a burden to everyone – family, friends. I wish I could cut all ties and be independent – but I am not in a place financially or emotionally for it. Emotionally, I do not think I could ever be totally alone. I do not want to be totally alone. At the same time being around people can make me so anxious and can make me feel so bad about myself. I always, always feel like I’m bothering people and that they would rather be elsewhere.
Nonetheless it was pretty fun at IKEA – I admit, I love going around IKEA. I love dreaming of my future home – wall to wall bookcases, a big, beautiful kitchen with a fancy oven, walls filled with pictures, paintings and mementos of my travels. On one hand I dream of travel – leaving everything behind and going here for a couple years, there for a few years, another place, always new. On another I dream of a home – a place I can settle into and make my own. (I think ideally I’d like something in between – to travel occasionally, but to always have a place to come back to.) After IKEA we went to Nandos and embarrassed ourselves by not knowing how the system works – apparently you order at the desk, and get your own cutlery. Shows how often we go there! But the food was nice anyway. We went to the supermarket next, then back home. Before he left, my dad quickly made up some storage for me and helped hang up some pictures.
I wasn’t sure how much I wanted to settle into this house – I’m only here for a short while, but at the same time I do want it to feel comfortable. So I put up some noticeboards (well, my dad did), which I stuck up some pictures and some revision notes. I hung up a couple of calligraphy prints up on one wall. I then put some more pictures into frames and put them on my windowsill. Pictures of my sister and I on my 15th birthday, when she took me to see Dir en Grey, my father and I at the summit of a hill, I am pale and thin, but managing to smile nonetheless, pictures of Japan, a picture of Cape town, my family in front of Victoria falls, my sister and I laughing in the middle of the jungle in Thailand, totally relaxed because we do not know we were being photographed (I love that picture – I am usually awkward in pictures, but as I was not aware of the camera, I am actually smiling) It’s nice to have these things to look at – to have these beautiful memories there, in reach, something to hold onto.
I’m not feeling OK still but I can feel myself starting to feel hope that everything is going to be OK again – which is a good enough feeling. I was so scared, so anxious and so terrified of what that means. But I’m really getting stuck into my CBT now and everything has been put into perspective, and I’m working through it, and it takes the edge off it. I had another appointment with the psychologist this week and I have a plan of action now. Its really difficult – I have to try and create a routine, so to eat regularly. Bt I’m trying, I’m going to try.
Now, if only uni would go better. I have no idea, still, what is going on with two of my modules – and just 20 days until coursework is due for one of them. My group and I also have to start putting together our thesis, and I’m not sure how that’s going to turn out. I’ve also started my last module which is a business focused module which involves a 9am-5pm workshop involving group work and presentations and writing business reports afterwards and I don’t even know. I had the first on Thursday and it was not fun and I have two more sessions for it coming up and I am dreading it.
I’m really not enjoying university at all right now. I’m tired and I’m bored and at the same time, so anxious. I’ve just got to keep trying to move forward though.