Well, it’s been a while since I posted. Since my last post I did go home for Christmas, I had an OK Christmas followed by a tiring boxing day dealing with the horrors of the sales, in which I did not get everything I needed, although since I have managed to put together a decent interview outfit. Wearing formal clothes makes me feel desperately uncomfortable, I look in the mirror and think gosh, I’m getting old. I guess that means I am dressing appropriately. I have spent the last few weeks mostly revising. I am trying to take breaks – by watching dramas. I’m currently watching Miss Korea, which is amazing, and Man from the Stars, which is the sort of drama where you can see the drama writer pulling the strings to make it popular, but Gianna Jun is lovely. I am also halfway through Pursuit of Happiness, which started of amazing but sadly began to drag in later episodes. I even took a whole evening off and went to the cinema, to see Long Walk to Freedom, which was very emotional and made me cry. Its incredible to think that Apartheid ended when I was 2 years old, that my parents and grandparents lived through that.
(Ever since my Grandmother died I have been so homesick. I long to reconnect with my culture – I long to go back, to see my living Grandparents… one last time, I think, which is painful. I want to experience Cape Town as a person living there, again, too. It doesn’t help that South Africa/Cape Town has been everywhere – with recent events, and its recent status of design capital.)
Time is passing quickly. I am struggling to feel in control. I feel like everything is just passing me by.
I had my first exam today. Woke up at 7:00am and left the house at 8:00am, feeling pretty optimistic about getting there on time, and strangely relaxed. Then the 8:10 bus did not come, neither did the 8:20 and finally, a bus arrived at 8:35. Well, I was definitely going to be late, and so I was panicking. Its the little things that set my anxiety off – this was one of them. I got off the bus at the entrance to the university that is the opposite to the central campus – the bus does not go into the campus, and the point where I usually get off near central campus is a very heavy traffic area, so it seemed a good idea to escape the hell of unreliable public transport and cut through campus on foot. I ran most of the way and shocked myself by the fact that I could. I was breathing hard, but I did not feel dizzy and my chest didn’t hurt. Living without anaemia is great. Nonetheless I was not in a great way when I finally got to my exam – just after 9am. One of the invigilators was outside and she was very nice about me being late, the exam had only just started, and she helped me find my seat. I was breathing hard and my hands were frozen cold and my anxiety was high – and so the exam got off to a very shaky start. I settled down surprisingly quickly though. My counsellor introduced me to a relaxation breathing technique and I find it useful for getting my anxiety levels down – it cannot remove the anxiety completely nor does it help me sleep, but it usually does OK in keeping me from panicking. I couldn’t implement it fully in the exam – no time – but I had sure to pay attention to my breathing, to keep breathing deeply, slowly, to try and focus, read the questions carefully.
Honestly, the exam wasn’t great – I left feeling like I made a lot of stupid little mistakes, like I missed some sneaky trick I should know for several of the questions. I did not answer all the questions properly – though I did half answer or put random guesses for the ones I did not know. I tried though, and so I cannot help but hope. The thing is – this was one of the exams I was feeling most confident about, and its unsettling that it did not go as well as I hoped. If this is how my good exam went, then what about the rest? This is exactly the sort of way I shouldn’t be thinking, I know. My counsellor picked up on it to – the way I use the bad things in the past, no matter how distant, how I use my mistakes to justify my bad thoughts. I’m working on it. Its hard to be optimistic, when you feel like once you do, will be the point you lose everything you’ve worked so hard for.
Counselling is going quite well actually. Its really good to talk to someone, and to work through this. I don’t think my anxiety will ever go away fully, but I am hopeful that I’ll learn to live with it better. My eating is still all over the place, and I am still waiting for my first appointment with the psychologist for that. After my exam today I was desperate for chocolate but I took a deep breath – and well, I still bought junk food, just not dairy containing junk. Its really pathetic. Giving up dairy has been a fantastic choice for me in one way – I eat a wider variety of foods. In another, its also highlighted my issues with food. Every month I tally up my receipts and its always food that pushes over budget – sneaky trips to convenience stores or supermarkets to buy binging foods, but always buying staples like fruit or something else healthy, because I feel ashamed of my true intentions. The thing is, without chocolate, I need to eat more to get the same ‘satisfaction’, and I rarely do. I really hate this. I’m really scared for that appointment though- these are my habits, and thinking about changing them is so scary. As it gets closer and closer, I just get more afraid.
I also had another doctors appointment and that was a little awkward. I admit, now that I’ve gone through the scary part of admitting to it all, and had it all brought into perspective with various health professionals, I now feel a certain…not regret. But I do wonder if I’m wasting their time. It feels a bit awkward. Like I’m not anxious enough, my eating not disordered enough, to warrant this attention. I especially wonder why my doctor keeps wanting to see me – he suggested I come back to him after exams and that is the thing – is it a suggestion or is he telling me this? What would happen if I don’t? And how long am I going to be going back to see him? He’s busy and I feel bad taking up his tome to essentially just chat about how I am. I guess he’ll stop asking me when he feels like there’s no problem? So there is a problem, right? Its hard to know what’s going on. I feel very uncertain about this all. Am I doing the right thing? I think about it often, too much.
Things aren’t OK right now. I’m not going to lie. This is why I have eased off on blogging – there is only so much you can whine on the internet. And there is only so much I want to put up here – I am quite open on this blog, but I do have certain things I don’t feel comfortable sharing. And these days, my off line diary entries are filled with these things. I have renewed my domain for another three whole years though! So even if I end up blogging once a month, I’ll still be around.
I’ve got another exam tomorrow, and the day after that. Then three more next week. Then there is my job interview. Then finally, I’m taking a three day holiday to Edinburgh. My doctor suggested I give myself something to look forward to after exams – and I decided to take to the extreme. For three days I am going to not study or think about university and I am going to take a holiday. It feels indulgent, but then I think – people take time off work don’t they? So its OK I “take time off” from university right? I’m just so tired, so fed up. I just want a tiny break. I feel guilty, but I am also looking forward to it immensely. Its my little light at the end of the tunnel.
I best get back to revising now.