I kinda disappeared again, didn’t I? Well, that’s cos everything is crazy right now. Deadlines have piled up and exams are just around the corner and I am stressed. Very, very stressed. I had a spectacular breakdown the other week – involving lots of chocolate, crying and something else regrettable that I don’t even want to admit. Thankfully I’ve since managed to pull myself back together and am managing to keep myself together but only just. I’m worried sick about my exams. My grades last semester were not good which puts so much pressure on me now to do well. I cannot fall asleep (and subsequently wake up) and I am binge eating like crazy. The hunger won’t go away and I don’t want to deal with the reasons behind it. Lest I end up in another chocolate-crying situation, you know?
Let’s see. As mentioned, university has pretty much taken over my life. Lectures are mostly ended now and just the final few course works to go before exams. In list format:
✖ Maths: Today I had a maths coursework test and it did not go well. The paper wasn’t bad, it was just me. I’ve been working at my maths but I don’t feel like I am making progress. I sit in the library for hours and only get a handful of questions done and I only partly understand what I am doing and I certainly have not memorised everything yet. It’s worrying.
✖ Telecommunications: I am also struggling with telecommunications, even more so than maths. I am actually 100% lost in this subject. Worse, it’s my first exam on the 9th (?) of May which is dangerously close when I do not understand it all. I am trying to study but its very difficult as this university does not provide a lot of resources for independent study. Worse, I have a set of decent notes from university back in the UK, but the UK and Malaysia courses are slightly different, which leaves me still hopelessly unprepared even after going through the UK stuff. I don’t know what to do, and this hopeless, helpless feeling makes me feel so exhausted and sad. My only hope is that I got my friend to agree to help me so there is that. Just over one week to go. I hope for a miracle.
✖ Electronic Engineering: This is going all right, thankfully. I think I’d be going crazy (more so) if there wasn’t one subject I enjoy and can just about manage, and did I mention enjoy? It makes such a difference to studying when you’re actually interested in the subject. My dad is also able to go through the parts of that I don’t understand, being an electrical engineer himself who knows that subject very well which makes a huge difference. Between the great UK notes (thankfully these two courses/exams are aligned between countries unlike telecomms) and my dad I am managing to study and make progress. Course works however are a bit iffy. I handed in one of my course works for that last Friday and I don’t think it was my best work. I think I left it quite late. I also have a deadline for that tomorrow and I don’t think I’ve done very well there either. I hope I can succeed on the exam at least. Although I do mostly understand it, there is a lot to remember and questions can be hard to interpret- and I am not very good at exams anyway. I have a tendency to panic and then misinterpret questions and forget my basics. Which is worrying always but especially for this exam where questions are lengthy and the information carries through.
✖ Professional skills for engineers. aka THAT module. I had a major deadline for that last week which was a group project- and it was awful. I was stuck in a group with some really horrible, immature people. I was told to work on the flyer portion of the project. So I spent my entire Saturday doing that and then some, only to be told that I was not supposed to be working on the flyer (even though I had emailed my group twice to confirm this was what I was supposed to be doing and got confirmation that it was!) and should do some research for the poster portion instead. They gave me one day to complete my new task, and its not like I have anything else to be doing now is there? I was not pleased to be in this group and I was not pleased with the subject we were doing but I was prepared to put in the work. But they were determined to keep me out. From picking the subject to doing the work they kept me in the dark for everything and worse, they let me waste my time doing work I should not have done by simply ‘forgetting’ to tell me. Yeah right. They could not give a damn. They did not want me in their group and they could not even be adult enough to put those feelings aside. ¬____¬
There is now just one deadline left for that subject- another individual presentation, this time to a larger group and two lecturers, and 15 minutes in length. Mine is currently just 5 minutes in length. Yeah. It goes not well. I’m doing about renewable energy in Sub-Saharan Africa (excluding South Africa) and its fascinating and there’s lots of resources, which means I’m having to read paper after paper to get the information I need and I find it difficult to concentrate on that kind of heavy research when I’m stressed. I am also not looking forward to presenting on Monday, obviously, as the last one went terrifically wrong and that was only a small group. In short: I hate this module.
✖ Electrical Engineering Design Project aka the module I never talk about. I don’t think I put enough work into this project. The last lab session was this Wednesday which involved demonstrating the circuits and handing in the logbooks. I am not confident about my logbook, as I did not pay enough attention during labs and hardly had much clue of what was going on it was difficult to write about. My own fault, really. I really should have put more effort in here, as this project is probably the best preparation for the large group project next year. On the other hand- my group for this project were wonderful. Supportive, helpful, always making sure to include me (and communicate with me so I know where I am at). It really makes so much difference to a project who you work with.
Talking of next year… I get to choose my modules! Which sounded exciting until I actually had to choose them. It’s actually quite nerve wracking. I’m going to start specializing which means I have to choose modules based on what I want to do. I want to go into energy generation/renewables I know, but I am not entirely sure modules are good for this, and the person I emailed has not replied. Either way my current list is: a maths module (ordinary differential equations or partial differential equations), electronic design, solid state devices, electrical machines, power networks and power electronic design. Alongside three compulsory modules control systems design, field waves and antennas and the group project. The group project sounds terrifying- its worth around 30 credits and its pretty much independent. I don’t feel prepared for that. Also: I cannot take a language module next year which sucks. I really hate having to pay an extra £200 to take a language at university. But I have no choice as I’m doing engineering, which is one of the most inflexible and time consuming degree there is. In retrospect, I guess its my fault for choosing engineering. XD
Thats the state of things at university. Apart from that, Planning for Japan is the only other thing filling my time. It is going very well, almost too well. I’m scared that its going to be “the best laid plans” situation, and that things are going to go horrendously wrong. In my remaining time I spend copious amounts of mindlessly surfing the internet and spending too much (day) time asleep. Student life. So exciting, as usual. I’m very aware that I have very little time in Malaysia and I should be trying to get into KL to do some touristy things, but I am so busy and stressed and exhausted. After exams I should be able to do some sight seeing, hopefully. For now until exams are done, studying and being stressed over it are all that will make up my life :(
Lastly some site notices: I changed the layout! I’m not 100% happy with it though but I was sick of the other one so… Also there will be no book post for April. I’ve not been reading as I need my money for food and Japan, and I don’t have time/the ability to concentrate anyway. I will either post a combined april/may book post or just skip april and possibly may, depending on what happens. Sorry!