I’m once again sitting at the airport waiting to board a flight. that’s kind of awesome isn’t it? This flying thing is becoming second nature to me and more importantly, I’m becoming more comfortable flying alone. No matter how much time I’ve spent at airports and on planes in my life, most of it was trailing after my father. Now, I can do these things myself.
I’ve been up since 6am and I’m exhausted. It was a rush to get everything packed and my room organized and it didn’t help that the taxi came early, adding extra pressure. Yes, I should have done it all before hand but those three days between my flight and my exam flew by me. It was only yesterday that it sunk in that I was going to Thailand and I started to get stressed out running around trying to get everything for today and eventually, eventually I bought a bottle of sprite and got cup full of ice, then went to sit on a bench close by my halls…overlooking not very much. But the view did not matter. the fresh air did, being out of my tiny room did, taking time out to slowly drink my sprite and chew on the ice did, letting my mind wander as it wanted did. I thought of many things, most of them nothing very important but as my mind worked its way to the core of the… the heaviness…the tiredness I’ve been feeling lately I realized I was very glad to be going to Thailand today. If I didn’t, I fear, no, I know I would end up spending my time in my room, slowly retreating back to a dark place I never wanted to visit again. I’m very sad right now.. Exams left me tired, disappointed in myself and just, regretful and yeah, maybe a little angry. and, I realized too, that I am perhaps grieving. I don’t know if I am, I don’t know what grief is and I still don’t feel like I’m doing it properly, if there is such a thing. But maybe this slow, festering pain and this heavy weight settling deep inside me is grief. At the bottom of it, I’m 15 again and the weight of my grief and my disappointment is crushing me right now. I cannot wait to just get away, to take a time to see how wonderful things are despite all the horrible things that have happened these past few weeks. To come to terms with the fact that life goes on and whatever gets left behind.. I have to let go of. I have to get my mind back into a better place before the next term. I cannot wait to see my sister again. I cannot wait to go elephant riding and temple sight seeing and jungle trekking and shopping and so many things beside. This is going to be awesome. I’m a little anxious, as usual, but I’m excited. I have so much to look forward to.
(N/B – For those that notice the time stamp, I wrote this at the airport at the gate where there was obviously no way for me to post it. Posting is now that I have internet and time to read through and spell check!)