I wrote a long ranting blog post yesterday and I sincerely hope that you are wondering what I am talking about – as I set it to private and I really hope it stays that way. its one of those embarrassing posts that reads like i am still 15. I am enjoying Malaysia more than that post would indicate although obviously its not perfect because this is real life and nothing is perfect. Right now I am not enjoying the fact that I cannot go alone anywhere. I can walk around campus by myself but i cannot just nip into the nearby towns or kl by myself. Even grocery shopping has to be a group outing, how ridiculous is that? It is driving me crazy. I nearly said screw this and got on the train to KL today, but my friend stepped up and stopped me. I am somewhat grateful for her intervention. It would not have been my wisest decision to take the train alone. Still, i am hating this feeling of being trapped. being an obviously foreign (aka white) young women sucks in this situation. I need to go out and buy some stationery and new shoes and in the UK I could just do that- here it has to be planned beforehand and arranged so that other people can go with you- ugh.
Apart from that, there is the obvious- the HEAT. I did a rough estimate of how much i had spent on air conditioning so far and the result shocked me enough that i have banned myself from turning it on until the bill runs over to the next month, so i am sitting here quietly dying. (Just for record, It’s 28 degrees C and 74% humidity in my room as I type this…) Last year i spent time in the library to escape the noise of halls, this year i may find myself there for the free air conditioning! :P As much as I would like to say i am getting used to the heat by this point, i am really just getting used to being hot and feeling thoroughly gross because of it. (And likely looking it, I am a sweaty mess. also although my mascara and liner is fairly flood proof but my foundation melts away almost as soon as I put it on which is annoying…) i have started to tan however, in a very patchy and selective manner, but still, its happening. :D
It does rain here quite frequently- proper storms, fat rain drops falling heavily, the fresh smell in the air, lightning that lights up the whole sky and thunder that dosn’t just rumble in the distance, but crashes loudly like its right beside you. it was rather exciting the first time it happened- I went out for a walk so i could watch it. The storms also have the benefit of cooling everything down for a moment. although after the storm it becomes even more humid.
I am sort of getting used to the food although I sill crave home cooked food- fresh baking, potatoes that are not greasy fries but in the form they should always be- roasted until golden and soaked in gravy, or boiled until crumbling and made into creamy mash, or cut thickly, seasoned, and baked for hours to form cottage fries. I long for sausages and sausage meat balls and salami and pancetta. I also have a feeling after this year I am never going to want to eat another grain of rice or noodles ever again. some of the dishes I have tried have not been great and I really cannot appreciate how dodgy some of the meat is here- but I have found some dishes I like, even if i do pick out the bits I don’t. My friend remarked to me the other day that she had never realised how picky I was, which was awkward and embarrassing as I thought that I usually do a great job of hiding it. I actually thought that over the past few years I had actually done a great job expanding my tastes- – I really did think that- clearly I was wrong/delusional.
right now, I am mostly fretting about university. Last week was very relaxed, some lectures were cancelled as lecturers were away, labs hadn’t started, most of the lectures were introductory so it was ok to be late to them or to zone out during them (I overslept on Thursday and was an hour late to my lecture. I know, already. I am good job) Next week though I start my practical project work, which I do with one other person. Help. I also start programming again which i am dreading.D: I am already well into maths lectures, the only lectures which started properly reaching last week, and I am already lost. In short, I am struggling to adjust to being back at university. I should have studied properly today, but I got an hour in and I got bored. All the days before that I did nothing too. I still go to bed far too late, and even if it is true that I am struggling to fall asleep, i should still be making more of an effort to get back into university mode, instead of stubbornly clinging to holiday mode.
Also, its still awkward socially. I am in an irritable, anti social mood due to the aforementioned trapped feeling – so I think, in a way, without even realizing it, I have been attempting to sabotage the tentative friendships I made with the international students. I need to get over myself already, but usually when i reach this stage I’d be taking a fast paced walk to tesco to buy chocolate to accompany a weepy movie (at uni), or I’d be on a train into liverpool for a day out shopping (at home). just something to get me out of my room and away from my house (at home) or on campus (at uni). things I cannot do here. I need to figure out new ways because I have a feeling that by this point I am even annoying my friend who I came with. I don’t think its a good sign that I am annoying my best friend.
I have also spoken more to the guy i met on Monday and its just as awkward as it ever is. another guy randomly told me his name right at the end of lecture, so that went nowhere, and another guy started conversation with me and then the next day I was sitting right next to him and I just- totally ignored him like the awful person I am. in the end, its all my fault that I am not doing so well at the socialising stuff. but what else is new? i don’t like people and I try to be an adult and to force myself but it just- it just doesn’t work. like I can’t hide the fact I am a picky eater, I cannot hide my discomfort around people. I wish I could be more mysterious, instead of being so obviously anxious around people, so obviously flustered and embarassed (mostly by some of the things I blurt out in a desperate attempt to say something, anything). its as it ever is- i need people so i can go out and explore, so that i can have help with my work etc but I don’t need their company and conversation tires me out. I feel like such a bitch right now. more than anything, i wonder if I am really suited to studying abroad- the other people are far more social and outgoing than I am :/