I’m feeling really tired of myself right now. I’m tired of blurting out stupid things, I’m tired of not knowing when to shut up, I’m tired of being awkward, I’m tired of being shy. I wish I was one of those people who knew what to say and when, who knew how to carry a conversation, who knew what things are best left unsaid. I am so far from that person: I’m an awkward little fucker and I hate myself for it. It’s not cool or funny to be socially awkward, it is stressful and depressing, living each day with so many regrets, so much damn if only I said that instead of what I did or If only I didn’t say that. I can’t help but get worked up over it because that’s the sort of person I am- I worry and I regret and I am unreasonably harsh on myself. I beat myself up over small things and turn mountains into mole hills. Most of the time I deal with it, I force myself to rationalise my thoughts, move on and let go, but sometimes I get tired and it all catches up to me and I just want to curl up and sleep and hope that when I wake up it will all magically be better.
On Tuesday I had a presentation to give with a few other people in front of our group and I got so nervous and I messed up, I know I did and most likely let my group down. Later that day I met up with one of my friends from highschool to go to the cinema and it was supposed to be brilliant but it all went wrong. First I was late and then it was even more awkward between me and my friend than I remembered and it wasn’t her fault the evening sucked, it was all me. I just didn’t know what to say or how to act. Yesterday, I had my last day of university. The night before I was sad and I hated myself and I thought to myself that I’d like it very much just to sleep and not bother to go in on Wednesday for my morning lecture. I didn’t want to see anyone. I set my alarms anyway and told myself to stop being stupid, that I can’t miss lectures just because I feel a little down. Come Wednesday I woke up at midday with the vague sense of waking earlier- I slept through my alarms and missed the last day of semester 1. Not so secretly I was relieved. Yesterday and today I spent indoors wasting time, glad to be able to avoid people and responsibility. I can look forward to this peace of being by myself for a good few weeks more until Semester 2 starts next year and it all starts again- having to deal with the world and all those people it contains. It stresses me out and I hate myself for it.