I’ve been going through old posts from 2009 and deleting them. I like to do this every now and then, for the purposes of not having cluttered archives going all the way back to whenever. Must say it’s so strange reading through these posts about me talking about thinking about university, going to open days, my grades and exams. I don’t think any amount of open days and research could have prepared me for how things have turned out. I hope that after this year my plans for the future will unfold the way that I want to. I’m scared, I admit. I wonder if in a year I’ll be looking back at these old entries with the same sense of idk- bitterness? I don’t know. I can almost see where I went wrong though- was I too lazy? But at the same time I’m not really sure where it went wrong. It’s not wrong anymore, of course. Things are working out. I guess what I’m feeling right now is that although I don’t mind taking the long road, I do want to end up where I originally planned. Lately I’m worrying about things. Last week I was completely down, both due to hormones and me worrying about things incessantly. I didn’t want to get out of bed or do anything. It was a pretty bad week. I was late to everything and I slept through my alarm and missed my train on wednesday- not even going to one of my lectures. I’ve since sorted myself out, I think. Or at least this week was a lot better than the last. I’m still afraid though. Because honestly? I’m quite comfortable right now, actually quite happy. And that is petrifying. I’m waiting for the moment it all falls apart. (It’s kind of sad; I don’t know what it’s like to live without some kind of fear and worry.)
But back to right now. University is going OK. I think I’m settling into the routine. I have no friends but it’s not like anyone is unfriendly and I’m only in 3 days a week. The commute is killing me in many ways- because it’s long and I have to get up so early some days and it tires me out. Also public transport can be shitty with unexpected delays and cancellations which do nothing for my mood. My schedule is light though and I have a lot of time to catch up on sleep! Next week I have a test on Monday which I hope I’ll do well in, as it’s all fairly basic maths which I should know, and my first piece of coursework due in one Friday.. Other things I’m doing right now are a lot of nothing/the usual wasting time on the internet crap and I have started to learn for my driver’s theory! Tonight coming home from shopping my dad pointed at all the signs and road markings and I was surprised how much I knew without actually learning. I do need to get hold of the right books and do research into test dates for that. I want to at least pass my theory test this year. Also I put an application in to work at a local pub. I don’t think I’ll get it but at least I tried. I want to at least try this year. Even if I end up embarrassing myself or even if things don’t work out, I want to at least try.